The Joys and Sorrows of Young Charles Finster: Season 1
by Operas'n'Cartoons1883
Summary: This is the life story of Charles Finster, father of Chuckie Finster, before the setting of Rugrats. Season 1: Childhood Joys. When Charles was a boy, he was like normal kids: he got potty-trained, he said his first words, he went to school, and he met all kinds of friends. Among these friends are many familiar faces, only a lot younger than you might expect…
1. Charles vs the Potty

_Charles' first memory dates back to when he was just two years old. When Charles and his parents, Marvin and Shirley Finster, spend a weekend over at Lou Pickles' house, he tells Stu that his mom and dad are trying to potty-train him. Overhearing this, Drew begins to pick on Charles and tries to get him to wet himself by turning the water on and off. Will Charles have the last laugh and conquer his fear of the potty?_

_By the way, I like to imagine that Kid!Charles sounds like Gus from "Recess," since Kid!Drew has the same voice actress as Spinelli from "Recess" and Kid!Stu sounds exactly like Tommy Pickles._

_Based on the Rugrats episode "Chuckie vs. the Potty"_

Charles Norbert Finster, known to his friends as "Chas" Finster, was born on April 26, 1957. His father, Marvin Finster, was a rugged, out-of-doors individual who would leap from his bed at sunrise to greet the day. His mother, Shirley Finster, was a nurturing woman who liked to cook for her husband and son…

Chas' first memory dates back to when he was two years old, about Chuckie's age as of 1991. Of course, this was in 1959, when Chas' parents, Marvin and Shirley Finster, were trying to potty-train him. But in time, Marvin was so frustrated over Chas resisting potty-training that he feared it might never happen.

"It can't be done, Shirley! It just can't be done!" Marvin cried out.

"Oh, now, Marvin, you always say that," said Shirley as she placed a reassuring hand on her husband's shoulder. "Don't get discouraged. Every kid gets potty-trained sooner or later."

"Not Charles! Not our son! At this rate, he's gonna be takin' diapers to high school with him in his backpack!"

"Now listen, Marvin. There's this repairman in town who's potty-training his own son, and he tells us it's really quite simple. His name is Louis Pickles. Maybe we'll spend the weekend with him, so he'll help us teach Charles to use his… P-O-T-T-Y."

"I can spell, Shirley."

* * *

And so, it wasn't long before Marvin and Shirley strapped Chas to his car seat and drove him to Lou Pickles' repair shop. Once they were there, Marvin put Chas into the playpen with Lou's two sons, Andrew and Stuart, and said, "There you go, slugger."

"Remember to use your potty, my little muffin man," said Shirley.

And as Marvin and Shirley discussed their dilemma with Lou, Chas sat in the playpen by Stu and Drew.

At two years old, Drew was the toddler with light brown hair, buckteeth, a tan shirt, a black vest, brown pants, brown shoes, and green glasses with black rims.

Drew's younger brother Stu had just turned one year old. He wore nothing but a red shirt and a diaper, but this otherwise unremarkable-looking baby had purple hair—a very unusual hair color indeed!

Drew and Stu stared at Chas for a long time until finally Stu said to the red-haired, bucktoothed toddler, "Hi, I'm Stuie. What's your name?"

Chas shyly replied, "My name is Charles Finster."

Stu thought about this name awhile, and he said, "You know, Charles. How would you like me to call you… Charlie?"

"No."

"Chuck?"

"Uh-uh."

"Chuckie?"

"Certainly not!"

"How about… Chas?"

Chas smiled and said, "Yeah. Yeah! I like it! Chas, it is!" Then, he noticed Drew counting his toy money and asked, "And who's that boy playing with the toy cash register?"

"That's Drew," Stu replied. "He's my older brother, always pokin' at me when I least expect it."

"I am not, Stuie!" cried Drew.

"Are too!" cried Stu in turn.

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are…"

Suddenly, Stu and Drew stopped the argument when they noticed the potty next to Chas. Of course, Stu, being a baby, didn't know what this was, so he crept towards it and said to himself, "What is this thing?"

Stu then placed the lid of the potty and said, "Maybe it's a hat."

"Then what's the rest for, Stuie?" asked Drew snootily.

"It's a potty!" cried Chas. "Stu, you won't believe what my mommy and daddy are trying to make me do!"

"What, Chas?" asked Stu.

"They're trying to make me… They're trying to make me…" Chas stuttered. "Oh, I can't say it!"

And so, Drew rudely shouted, "Lemme guess, they're tryin' to make you use the potty instead of your diaper!"

Chas nodded ruefully.

"Big deal," said Drew. "My pop's trainin' me to do the same thing."

But Stu approached Chas and said, "But, Chas, they can't do that to you."

To which Chas replied, "Well, they're doing it! They call it 'getting potty-trained.'"

"What are you gonna do?"

"I don't know. I've tried everything!"

"Maybe you could put a lot of napkins in your pants and use them like a diaper."

"Tried it. My dad noticed that we were too short on napkins so he made me stop."

"Maybe you could poop in your room and hide it in your toybox."

"Tried it. My mom was disappointed in me when she noticed that my toybox stank of poop."

"Maybe you could just stop pooping altogether."

"Tried it. It was no use! No matter what I do it looks like I'm gonna have to be… potty-trained."

At Chas' use of the word "potty-trained," Drew said, "Ha! Don't make me laugh, Finster! It's bad enough Stuie cries for mommy every time he gets a little wet! Now, you get to go without 'em forever, and what do ya do? Chicken out! What's the matter? Scared to be without your diaper?"

Chas was sick of Drew's taunting and he shouted, "No! That's not it! I'm not scared! I-I just don't wanna be potty-trained! That's all! It's just not right!"

"Not right, huh?" Drew replied. "Don't ya know anything, Finster? Everybody who's anybody is potty-trained!"

"Well, not me! I'm never gonna do it! They can't make me! I'm gonna wear my diapers forever, and nobody is gonna stop me—not my mom, not my dad, not even President Wisenheimer—because I…"

"Chas?" asked Stu, concerned.

"I…" said Chas.

"What's the matter, Chas? What's wrong?"

"I… I… I gotta go!" groaned Chas, and he let out an anguished cry that could be heard by Marvin, Shirley, and Lou.

"Oh, dear! This is it!" cried Shirley. "Marvin, hurry!"

And so, Marvin and Shirley all rushed for the crying toddler. As Shirley grabbed Chas, Marvin cried out, "Now, Lou! Get the potty! Get the potty!"

"Where?" asked Lou.

"There!" shouted Marvin and Shirley together, gesturing to the playpen.

And so, Lou grabbed the potty as Marvin and Shirley rushed their son to the bathroom. "Now what?" asked Lou.

"Put it down gently," Shirley replied.

And so, Lou went into the bathroom and placed the potty next to Chas. Then, Marvin pulled down Chas' pants before Shirley placed the little boy on the potty.

"Now what, Marv?" asked Lou.

"I reckon we'll sit here and wait until he does his business," Marvin replied.

"We'll also give him plenty of praise so that he gets the right idea," said Shirley.

"All right, then I'll put on some waiting music," said Lou as he brought in a record player and began to play the "Humming Chorus" from Puccini's _Madame Butterfly_.

And so, Chas sat on his potty and sat and sat and sat and sat for at least two hours. Lou took a nap, while Marvin and Shirley played cards. But to Chas' disappointment, nothing came out.

Soon, Stu and Drew came to visit. "Hey, Chas, are you okay?" asked Stu.

"Is it so much to ask, Stuie?" groaned Chas. "Is it so much to ask? I just want things to stay the way they've always been!"

"Ah, come on!" said Drew. "Why are you acting like such a baby? They're gonna make ya do it anyway, just as my pop is makin' me do it. So, go along with it."

But Chas sighed, "Yeah, when it happens to you, Stu, maybe that's what _you_ should do."

"Happens to _me_?!" cried Stu. Then, he shrugged it off and said, "Nah."

"Well," said Chas. "I guess I don't have to go after all." And so, he got up. Then, he promptly started peeing, but not exactly into the potty. "Uh-oh," said Chas.

* * *

Afterwards, Marvin and Shirley sent Chas out so Lou would clean up the mess. As Lou scrubbed the floor with a sponge, Marvin and Shirley brought in a bucket full of clean water.

"Thanks, guys," said Lou.

"Any time, Lou," Marvin replied. He then turned to Shirley and said, "You know, Shirley, I just can't believe it. I mean, our Charles was standing right next to the potty."

"Oh, Marv, I'm sure it was just an accident," Shirley replied.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. And besides, lots of older kids are known to wet the bed."

"Really, like who?"

"Well, like me, for instance," Marvin replied begrudgingly.

"You?!" gasped Shirley in shock. "You mean you were a bedwetter?"

"Yeah," sighed Marvin as he blushed with embarrassment. "At least it only lasted until I was in third grade."

* * *

Meanwhile, in the playpen, Stu and Chas were sitting around thinking.

"Gee, Chas," said Stu. "This potty-training stuff must be tough."

"I know, I know," Chas replied.

"How do you even know when you have to go?"

"I don't know. That's really the hard part. I mean, sometimes I think I have to go, but I don't. At other times, I don't think I have to go, but I do. I really, really do!" And Chas sighed, "Now, I'm so confused!"

But Drew overheard and said to himself, "Perhaps we should do for that Finster kid what my pop is doing for me!"

And so, Drew turned on the faucet of the kitchen sink, prompting Chas to get up with a start. "Oh, no!" cried Chas as he rushed from the playpen towards the bathroom, whereupon Drew turned off the faucet. Chas stopped feeling like he needed to go.

Then Drew turned the faucet on again, and off again. Chas had the same reactions.

"What's wrong, Chas?" cried Stu.

Chas replied, "I don't know! I thought I had to go, and then I didn't!" Again, Drew turned the faucet on and off as Chas cried, "Now I do! Now I don't! Do! Don't! Do! Don't!"

Finally, when Drew turned on the faucet one more time, Chas screamed and threw a tantrum on the floor, whereupon Drew laughed and said, "Oh, Finster, you're funny! Don't ya know that going to the potty is what ya have to do when you get old! If ya don't know how to do it, ya can't go to school, or drive a car, or join the army, or anything!"

Chas glared at Drew and cried out, "I don't care! As Bob as my witness, I'm never gonna use that potty again!"

* * *

Needless to say, this was easier said than done. For as he and Stu were taking their afternoon nap, Chas started to have a dream…

"No! No, I don't want to go! You can't make me! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!"

Chas was dreaming that he was in France in the 1700's. The bedroom had turned into a prison cell.

In came the guard, who looked a lot like Stu. He said, "Okay, Chas, it's time to go!"

"But, but, I'm too young to go!" stammered Chas.

"Not anymore!" cried Stu the guard as he grabbed Chas by the shirt collar.

As the guard dragged Chas to the scaffold, Chas looked around and was frightened to see some leering prisoners wearing nothing but diapers.

As Chas continued on his long and frightful journey, he came across a kindly Italian Catholic priest, who looked quite a bit like Lou Pickles (let's just call him Father Luigi). The priest said, "Is-a there anything I can-a get-a for you, my son? Any last-a requests-a for you now?"

Chas got down on his knees and cried, "But it's not right, Father! Not right, I tell you! Don't let 'em make me do it!"

Father Luigi sighed, "Oh, there-a, there-a, don't-a be a bambino, my son. What's-a the little-a people-a think-a?"

Chas looked down and saw miniature versions of his own parents, Marvin and Shirley, at the feet of the guard. Then, he sighed, "I'll try. I'll try."

And soon, Father Luigi joined Chas and the guard to the public square, where Chas was met with an angry and scary mob of grown men and women jeering at him!

"Off with his diaper!" cried one man.

"Make him go!" screamed a woman.

And Chas saw that on the scaffold was a giant toilet seat, with a hooded executioner holding a plunger by its side. The poor little kid was so scared he tried to run away! But the guard grabbed him as Chas screamed for his life: "No! No! No! Don't relieve me of my diaper!"

But Father Luigi just looked on as the guard pushed Chas onto the toilet seat.

"Wait!" panted Chas. "Listen, listen! I'm only two! I can't even read yet!"

But he heard a familiar laugh from the executioner: "Everybody's gotta go someday!"

And the executioner removed his hood to reveal that it was Drew! Drew pulled the handle, deaf to Chas' protests! And poor Chas was flushed down the toilet to the cheers of the crowd!

At this point, Chas awoke with a start and found himself back in the playpen, with Stu napping by his side.

"Wow! I really gotta go!" he said to himself.

And without hesitation, he leapt out of the playpen, ran into the bathroom, and sat on his potty chair. And all of his wee-wee went right inside it!

And once Marvin and Shirley heard the sound and got to the bathroom, they all saw that their son Chas was very happy and proud. In fact, they heard Chas' first word as he got up from his potty: "YES!"

Marvin and Shirley were also very happy and proud of their little son. "Shirley, he did it! He did it!" cried Marvin.

"Yes!" said Shirley. "He got to the bathroom all on his own, sat on the potty, and he did it."

And as soon as he was done, Chas jumped from his potty seat and said again and again, "Yes! Yes! YES!"

Marvin beamed with pride as he said, "Hey, Shirley! Listen! Charles said his first word too! He's talking!"

"YES!" cried Chas.

"I'll say," said Shirley before turning to Charles. "Bravo, Charles!"

And Marvin said to his son, "Way to go, Charles, ya little slugger!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Drew, not knowing that Chas had already awoken from his nap to use the potty, turned on the faucet, hoping to hear Chas run for the bathroom screaming. But suddenly, Drew himself felt something. "Oh, no!" he cried. "Now, I gotta go!" And he tried to run for the bathroom, but he was too late. Drew wet himself, and he cried out his own first word: "POP!"

This prompted Lou to find Drew bawling by the bathroom door. Lou cried out, "Oh, Drew! Did you wet your pants again?"

"Pop!" cried Drew.

And Lou replied, "You're going to need a little extra potty-training, sprout."

And Lou carried Drew to his room while the little boy was bawling some more.

As for Stu, he saw the whole thing. The purple-haired infant then approached the red-haired two-year-old and said to him, "Well, like they say, 'Everybody who's anybody is potty-trained.'"

"Yep," said Chas with pride. "And I'm a anybody now!"

"You sure are!"

This was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. From then on, Chas would know both Stu and Drew Pickles.

What a joy for young Charles Finster!


	2. Aunt Muriel

_Let's skip ahead to find four-year-old Charles in nursery school. When Marvin invites his big sister, Charles' aunt Muriel, over for Thanksgiving, Charles is left wondering what an aunt is. He asks Stu and Drew, but they give conflicting opinions, based on Miriam, their first cousin once-removed: Drew and his mother Trixie think that an "aunt" is the sweetest lady in the world, while Stu and his father Lou think that an "aunt" is the bane of a decent person's existence. This leaves Charles apprehensive about his own Aunt Muriel, but there's only one way to find out what she's really like…_

_Inspired by the "Rugrats" episode "Aunt Miriam"_

In 1961, Chas was in nursery school, or preschool, depending on the age of the children in the institution. For while preschools accept children between ages three and five, nursery schools will accept children below the age of three. And among Chas' playmates in this nursery school was none other than Drew Pickles.

By November 1961, Chas and Drew were four years old and in the "preschool" section of their nursery school. Now fully potty-trained, these two preschoolers had had all their baby teeth grow in. So had Drew's little brother Stu, who by this point was still in the "daycare" section of their nursery school. But Lou and Trixie were having a bit of a struggle getting Stu properly potty-trained.

Only a month earlier, Stu had celebrated his third birthday, and Trixie, his mother, had given him a special gift: a beautiful, bright red blanket, which he wasted no time to show Chas and Drew at the nursery school.

Out on the playground, Stu would wave the blanket around as Chas and Drew watched. And he was still doing it in November.

Chas commented, "Wow, Drew! Stu must really love that blanket so much if he must still show it to us."

Drew replied, "Of course, he does. He always brings it with him wherever we go!"

"Everywhere?"

"Yep. On Halloween, he wanted to use the blanket to go as Red Riding Hood, but we had to remind him that Red Riding Hood is a girl."

"Oh…"

And as Chas and Drew went back to playing in the sandbox, Stu approached them and said, "Hey, Drew. Hi, Chas. Wanna play with me?"

"Okay," said Drew. "As long as it doesn't involve your blanket again."

"As a matter of fact, it does!" cried Stu as he wrapped the blanket around himself, Drew, and Chas. "We're gonna play 'Three Little Pigs in a Blanket'!"

Drew groaned, while Chas said to himself, "Well, I'm sure this year's Thanksgiving should be better than this."

* * *

After school, at the Finster residence, Chas was playing with his toy top when he overheard his father, Marvin, talking on the telephone: "Hello?… Oh, hi, Muriel!… 'Baby' brother? Muriel, you know I'm 26 years old!… So, you're coming over for Thanksgiving, eh? Well, won't Charles be surprised to see his Aunt Muriel on the big day!"

"Aunt Muriel?" Chas asked himself.

"Okay. Bye, Muriel," said Marvin as he hung up the phone.

After Marvin sat on his chair next to Shirley, Chas asked his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, what's an aunt?"

Shirley replied, "Well, you'll find out when she gets here this Thanksgiving."

But even with his mother's reassurance, little Chas was curious about what an "aunt" really is…

* * *

The next day, back at the nursery school, Chas was talking with Drew while sculpting objects with Clay-Doh.

"So, you see, Drew," said Chas, "my dad has invited my Aunt Muriel over for Thanksgiving dinner this Thursday. Do you know what an aunt is?"

Drew replied, "All right, Finster. Let me tell you about my own aunt. Well, technically, she's not really my aunt; she's my first cousin once removed… Anyway, I first met Aunt Miriam on my fourth birthday. My mom had invited her over to celebrate with us. Although my pop didn't seem to like her, and I don't really know why, I had lots of fun with Aunt Miriam. And, after I blew out the candles, do you know what she said of me?

"She said to my pop, 'Oh, Lou, isn't your son a bright little boy? I mean, this child is a wonder! He's so smart and polite and well-behaved! I do believe he reminds me of someone. Oh, I know! He's a male version of me!'

"My mom ever phoned Aunt Miriam over for Thanksgiving. So, you see, Finster, an aunt is a woman who will praise you to high heaven, who will spoil you no matter what. In fact, she's second only to your mom as the sweetest lady in the world."

Chas smiled and said to himself, "Wow…"

* * *

Later, at the playground, Chas told Stu all about what Drew had told him about Miriam: "And she cuddles you and praises you and makes you very happy! I think my Aunt Muriel will be just like your Aunt Miriam."

"My Aunt Miriam?!" cried Stu. "Oh, no! Chas, don't you say that!"

Chas was confused. "Why not, Stu?"

Stu replied, "Because my daddy told me that my Aunt Miriam is a monster. I remember just yesterday when my mommy phoned Aunt Miriam to come over to our house for Thanksgiving dinner. When my daddy found this out, he told my mommy, 'I can't believe you invited Miriam over for Thanksgiving, Trixie! It's bad enough you invited her to Drew's fourth birthday party!'

"My mommy said, 'Oh, now, Lou. She is such a sweet woman.'

"'Sweet, my foot! That woman's been the bane of my existence for 46 years!'

"Then, my daddy called me, 'Stuart! Your mother and Drew can enjoy Thanksgiving with your Aunt Mim, but we're going to spend ours in the Motel Styx out by the interstate!'

"'But, daddy,' I said, 'that place is a dump.'

"Daddy replied, 'Well, they have television, and they don't have Mim!'

"That's when Mommy approached Daddy and said, 'Well, I never heard of anything so ridiculous! Lou, you're staying, and that's all there is to it!'

"But my daddy cried out, 'You can't do this to me, Trixie! I'm a grown man!'

"I was shocked. I never seen my daddy act like that before…

"That night, while Drew and I snuck out of our beds to sneak some cookies from the cookie jar as a midnight snack, we passed by our mommy and daddy's room when I noticed that my daddy was tossing and turning in his sleep.

"Drew said to me, 'He's probably just dreaming about the war. Now, let's go and get some cookies.'

"But as Drew ran off to get some cookies, I gazed at Lou as he cried out, 'G-give me back my ball, Mim! It's mine! Mine, I tell you!'"

Stu didn't know that his father Lou was dreaming about the time his cousin Miriam took his favorite ball and threw it over the fence into the next yard…

It was the summer of 1917 when Lou, then a twenty-month-old baby, was playing with his favorite ball with his best friends Bill and Jill. Suddenly, however, the ball was caught by Lou's three-or-four-year-old cousin, Miriam.

"Nice toy!" sneered Miriam.

"Give me back my ball, Mim!" cried Lou.

"Ask me nice."

"Give me my ball!"

"Say pretty please with sugar on top."

"Give me my ball!"

"Say 'Miriam is the nicest, prettiest person in the whole wide world.'"

"It's mine! Mine, I tell ya!"

"Well, if you can't be nicer than that, I guess you'll never see your dumb, old ball again!"

And with that, Miriam tossed the ball and punched it up into the air, and it flew over the fence and into the next yard as Miriam walked smugly away.

Baby Lou stared in shock.

Jill said to him, "Don't worry, Lou."

"It's just a dumb ball anyway," said Bill.

But baby Lou began to cry at the loss of his favorite toy…

Back in reality, Lou, now a grown man of forty-six, was heard to weep as Trixie woke up to try to comfort him. Poor Stu couldn't help but feel sorry for his father as he said to himself, "Oh, where's Chas when I need him?"

As Stu told Chas on the playground, "It was the first time I had ever seen my daddy cry! Have you ever seen _your_ daddy cry, Chas?"

"Never," Chas replied. "In fact, I've never seen a grown man cry in person in all four years of my life!"

"Then, you should consider yourself lucky," said Stu. "Actually, don't, because an aunt is a terrifying monster who will give you nightmares even when you're all growed up!"

Chas gulped. Now, he feared that an "aunt" was a nightmarish monster…

* * *

On the night before Thanksgiving, Chas was being tucked into bed by his mother Shirley, who said to him, "Good night, Charles. Pleasant dreams."

Then, she kissed his cheek and closed the door as she left the bedroom. And after the four-year-old had nodded off to sleep, he had a dream…

Chas was in his bedroom when he heard some screaming. He got out of bed, put on his glasses, and opened his curtains to find that a giant ant had entered the city and was about to smash his house! It was certainly smashing other people's cars.

He saw a general ask a professor about the situation: "But how could it have happened, Professor? How could a regular house ant grow to such an incredible size?"

The professor replied, "That's no regular house ant, General. That ant is from outer space, and if we don't do something, it could destroy the entire city!"

Then, Chas heard the door open. It was his parents, who were apparently unaware of the danger the giant ant was posing.

"Ah, looks like your Aunt Muriel has arrived!" said Marvin to Chas. "Why don't you go greet her, slugger?"

Chas walked up nervously to the ant and said, "H-h-hello, Aunt Muriel…"

But the ant soon reared its leg up and lowered it to smash into Chas' bedroom!

When Chas woke up from his dream, he screamed so loud that Shirley could hear him, and she ran into the bedroom asking, "Charles, what's wrong? Did you have a bad dream?"

Chas panted and said, "Yes, mommy. I'm just scared of Aunt Muriel."

Shirley replied, "You know, Charles, you don't have to be scared of your dreams. They're just pictures in your head, honey. Nothing in a dream can ever hurt you because it isn't real."

"But what about Aunt Muriel? I don't even know her, and I'm already scared of her!"

"You don't have to be scared of your Aunt Muriel either, for you don't really know what a person is like until you really meet her."

Chas sighed, "Okay, mommy."

"Nighty-night, Charles," said Shirley as she gave Chas a kiss.

"Good night, mommy," Chas replied as his mother left the bedroom. And before long, Chas himself drifted off to sleep…

* * *

Thanksgiving came, and as Shirley was making Thanksgiving dinner, and Marvin was watching football on TV, Chas just sat there, in anxious anticipation of what his Aunt Muriel might be like.

He said to himself, "Drew says that an aunt is the sweetest person in the world next to a mother, but Stu says that an aunt is the bane of a decent person's existence. Will my own Aunt Muriel be what Drew says she is, or what Stu says she is?" Then, he sighed, "I guess there's only one way to find out: wait for Aunt Muriel…"

Once the football game was over and Chas could smell the turkey, he heard the doorbell ring.

"That must be your Aunt Muriel, slugger," said Marvin to Chas as he approached the door.

"Oh," groaned Chas as he winced in anticipation over what Aunt Muriel might look like and be like. "Please be a good aunt, please be a good aunt, please be a good aunt…"

And as soon as Marvin opened the door, who should enter the house but a slim and attractive young woman, only two years older than her younger brother. She had long red hair, a sleeveless but colorful dress, and a pair of cat's-eye glasses. Oddly, though, when she spoke, she had a strong, raspy voice, "Marvin! And where's that little nephew of mine?"

"Charles," said Marvin. "Your Aunt Muriel is here."

Charles got up from the floor. He looked at Muriel and saw how nice his aunt looked. But would she actually be as nice as she looked? The only way for four-year-old Charles to find out was to approach her, hesitatingly, slowly but surely.

Muriel asked Marvin and Shirley, "Why does he look so scared?"

Shirley replied, "Charles is always shy about people he doesn't know."

Muriel then said to her nephew, "Come to Auntie Muriel, Charles."

Realizing that Muriel knew his name, Charles began to walk faster towards her. Finally, he embraced her and said endearingly, "Aunt Muriel!"

This made Muriel so happy she pinched her nephew's cheek as she exclaimed, "Oh, my little baby nephew! Auntie Muriel loves you!"

After Muriel had let Chas go, the little boy still felt the pinch, but he smiled and said, "Hey, Aunt Muriel isn't so bad!"

* * *

And during Thanksgiving dinner, Muriel commented, "Oh, what a beautiful turkey! Reminds me of when I first learned about the first Thanksgiving of 1621!"

"Wait, 1621? Were you alive back then?" asked Chas innocently.

At first, Muriel was taken aback. Then, after a brief moment, she replied, "I wasn't even born then, but I learned it from my teacher when I was about your age. Of course, our story of the first Thanksgiving begins in 1620, with 102 people called Pilgrims aboard a small ship called the _Mayflower_…"

* * *

As Muriel spoke, Chas imagined that he was on the _Mayflower_ in 1620. Alongside him were his parents, Marvin and Shirley, and his Aunt Muriel, all dressed as Pilgrims.

Muriel narrated, "Now, it was in 1620 when the Pilgrims came here from England, an island country that is far, far away. The trip to the New World was very long, and the ship was too small to hold so many people."

Indeed, Chas and his family were all crowded together!

"Mommy, are we there yet?" asked Chas.

"Not yet, Charles," Shirley replied.

"We'll get there when we get there!" said Marvin.

Muriel narrated, "At last, after 65 days of rough sailing, a man cried out…"

"LAND HO! LAND HO!"

This got Chas and his Pilgrim family to get out from under the deck and see for themselves. And they beamed with joy to see land.

As Muriel narrated, "And then, they saw it! It was indeed land. They saw no signs of human life, so they began to settle in."

During the winter, Marvin and Shirley were struggling to keep Chas warm while Muriel was on the look-out.

"This was followed by a harsh, cold winter. It was so bad that by early March, all that was left were fifty Pilgrims—twenty adults and thirty children…"

Fade to the spring.

"But it was in March 1621 when a Native American appeared before them…"

It was Samoset, whom Chas imagined as resembling Drew Pickles, who spoke to Chas and his parents with these words: "Welcome, Englishmen. My name is Samoset. My people welcome you to our land."

Chas approached Samoset and eyed him. He saw that Samoset looked very similar to him, and vice versa.

Muriel narrated, "Then came another man named Squanto."

"Hello, Englishmen," said Squanto, whom Chas imagined as resembling Stu Pickles. "Allow me to teach you how we thrive in this beautiful land."

Later, as Muriel explained, "Squanto would teach the Pilgrims how to catch fish, how to grow corn, and how to hunt for turkeys…"

Finally, in the autumn of 1621, Chas, his parents, and Muriel were seated around a table with some other Pilgrims celebrating Thanksgiving.

Muriel narrated, "Finally, it was Thanksgiving that was the day they picked to say 'thank-you' for all the good things they had, like their family and especially their new friends, the Native Americans who had helped them when things were really hard."

Enter Samoset and Squanto, with their great chief Massasoit, whom Chas imagined as resembling Lou Pickles. They handed a basket of corn to Shirley, who said, "Oh, thank you."

* * *

Back in 1961, Muriel concluded her narrative: "So, every year, we give thanks for our family and friends by getting together for a lovely dinner like the one your mommy has prepared for us. See the corn, the mashed potatoes, the stuffing, the pumpkin pie, and, of course, that great, big, beautiful turkey!"

"Wow!" gasped Chas. "It looks good enough to eat!"

Shirley then said to Chas, "Come on, Charles! We must give thanks before we eat…"

And Chas, Marvin, Shirley, and Aunt Muriel all sang together:

"_We gather together to ask the Lord's blessing;  
He chastens and hastens His will to make known.  
The wicked oppressing now cease from distressing.  
Sing praises to His Name; He forgets not His own._

_We all do extol Thee, Thou Leader triumphant,  
And pray that Thou still our Defender will be.  
Let Thy congregation escape tribulation;  
Thy Name be ever praised! O Lord, make us free!_

_Amen._"

It was a Thanksgiving feast to remember, and this, along with meeting Aunt Muriel for the first time, was a joy for young Charles Finster.


	3. The Tooth Hurts

_Now we see Charles in his years at Third Street Elementary School, starting with kindergarten. Charles, Drew, and Stu have all had their baby teeth grown in. Just as Charles and Drew are starting kindergarten, they learn about the tooth fairy. Looking to earn a little extra money, Drew goes after one of Charles' teeth for the tooth fairy._

_Based on the "Rugrats" episode "Tooth or Dare"_

In September of 1962, Charles and Drew had just started kindergarten. Drew's little brother Stu, almost four years old by this point, was now in preschool, but he was still having trouble being properly potty-trained. In fact, it would take Stu so long to get potty-trained that he almost wouldn't get into the Boy Scouts.

One day, Chas and Drew's kindergarten teacher were reading a story to her students: "Not so long ago, there lived a little boy named Edwin. All his life, he would brush his teeth right after breakfast and right before bedtime, ever since he had been taught to do so. Like most kids, Edwin enjoyed sweets, but he would only eat them one at a time, as most kids should, for too much candy causes cavities."

And the kindergartners gasped with horror as their teacher showed them a picture of an evil-looking candy bar attacking an unsuspecting tooth.

Then, she continued: "Edwin's father and mother were also keen on having his dentist give him a check-up every six months. But one day, the dentist discovered that one of Edwin's teeth would wiggle as he gently pressed his finger upon it.

"'Don't be alarmed,' the dentist said to Edwin and his parents. 'Edwin's just got a loose tooth. This is normal for kids his age. Just give him some time, and his tooth will fall out. Within a few months, it will be replaced by a shining new tooth which will be bigger and even stronger.'

"And so, for the next two days, Edwin would wiggle his own tooth to try to remove it. But his mother would tell him, 'Have patience, my son. Just wait a while, and your tooth will finally fall out.'

"By and by, Edwin wiggled his tooth some more until finally… his loose tooth came out! His mother and father were very proud, and his father said to him, 'Place the tooth under your pillow for the tooth fairy to collect.'"

At this point, Drew raised his eyebrows in amazement at the mention of "tooth fairy."

The teacher concluded her tale: "And so Edwin placed the tooth under his pillow. He arose the next morning to find some money where the tooth had been. The tooth fairy had come and given him money for his tooth. And from then on, Edwin would feel like a big kid. Edwin was growing up."

As soon as the teacher had finished her story, Drew raised his hand. "Yes, Drew?" the teacher asked.

Drew then asked his own question: "So you're sayin' there's this tiny little lady who goes around tradin' money for old teeth?"

The teacher replied, "Yes, Drew."

And then, Drew got an idea.

* * *

After school, at the Pickles' residence, Drew spoke with Stu and Chas, the former clinging onto his red blanket. "I'm tellin' ya, this tooth business is gonna make us all rich!"

"Rich? What's rich?" asked Stu.

Drew replied, "Rich! That means we can buy all the toys we ever wanted! A horse! A rocket ship!"

"Or how about a sandbox in Florida!" Stu chimed in.

"Sure, Stuie, right," said Drew.

"Oh, boy!"

"And we'll split everything 50-50. All ya gotta do is help me get a tooth!"

"Um, sure, Drew. Pop tells me that one of your own teeth is starting to get loose."

"_My_ tooth?" gasped Drew. "No, no, no. You don't understand. We're not getting even one tooth from _my_ mouth. I'm gonna get a tooth out of _your_ mouth."

"Hey!" cried Stu. "That's my mouth!" Then he cried, "Pop! Pop!"

Whereupon, Lou rushed in and asked, "What's the big idea?"

Stu replied, "Drew is tryin' to knock my teeth out!"

Drew argued, "Am not!"

Stu answered, "Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Boys!" cried Lou. "Stu, stop arguing with Drew! Drew, stop trying to pull Stu's teeth, or you both can forget about watching _Blocky and Oxwinkle_ for the rest of your lives!"

Stu and Drew stopped arguing with each other at that point, and Lou went back to his work.

Stu then said to Drew, "Ya hear that, Drew? If you try pulling my teeth again, we're _both_ gonna get in trouble."

Drew sighed, "So where are we gonna get a tooth without gettin' into trouble?"

"Hey, guys," said Chas.

Stu and Drew stared at Chas and grinned. Chas gulped, "Why are you guys looking at me like that?"

Drew then smirked, "Finster, what big teeth you have!"

And so, Stu and Drew grabbed Chas by the arms as Chas cried, "But I don't wanna do it, you guys!"

"Come on," Drew said. "What's a baby tooth between friends?"

"But I can't just give you any of my teeth! I'm gonna talk funny!"

"So you're gonna speak with a lisp for a few months."

"We'll split the money with ya," Stu whispered to Chas.

"Just think, Finster," said Drew. "A nice security blanket."

"A blanket, huh?" asked Chas. "You mean, like what Stu is holding in his arms?"

"Yeah, with lots of colors and pretty pictures sewn in."

"Well… are you sure this won't hurt?"

"You'll hardly even feel it."

"Well, okay. I mean, I'm gonna lose these teeth eventually."

And so Chas grabbed one of his own buckteeth, only to find that these teeth weren't even loose.

"They're stuck," Chas said.

"Come on, Finster!" cried Drew. "Put some muscle into it!"

And Drew grabbed Chas' buckteeth and pulled as hard as he could, while Chas protested, "Let go of my face!"

But try as he might, Drew was unable to extract Chas' buckteeth.

"Drat! It's no use!" shouted Drew. But then, I got another idea: "Hey! I got an idea! Don't go away!"

And off Drew ran into his room, to the confusion of Stu and Chas.

A few seconds later, Drew returned with a toy screwdriver. "This should do the trick," he said.

"What are you gonna do with that?" asked Stu.

Drew replied, "I'm gonna pry one of Finster's teeth out."

"You're not putting that in my mouth, Drew!" screamed Chas.

"Look, Finster, it's not gonna hurt at all. Here, I'll show ya how it works."

And with that, Drew placed a ball into his toy chest, between the chest itself and its lid. "Now, look," he said to Stu and Chas. "The ball's stuck, just like your tooth, right?"

"Right," said Chas.

"We can't pull it out, right?"

"Right."

"But we got a tool to help us, see?" And with that, Drew tried to use the screwdriver to remove the ball, but in the process, he popped the ball instead.

Stu and Chas were horrified! Chas even covered his mouth.

Seeing this, Drew threw the remains of the ball to the ground and said, "Okay, okay, so maybe it wasn't the best plan. But I got a much better idea!"

* * *

The next day, Lou took Stu, Drew, and Chas to a cattle ranch, telling the children, "Now, be on your best behavior. OK, boys?"

"Yes, Pop!" said Stu and Drew together.

"Yes, Mr. Pickles," said Chas.

But Drew had come to the cattle ranch with mischievous intent. He tied a string to the tail of a bull, who was grazing some grass and didn't even notice that a five-year-old human child was right behind him.

Drew then turned to Stu and Chas and said, "Now this one's definitely gonna work, guys."

"I still don't get it," said Stu.

"It's easy. I tie one end of the string to this bull's tail and the other end to Finster's tooth. Stu waves his blanket at the bull, causing the bull to start running towards him. The bull's tail pulls the string, the string pulls Finster's tooth, and the tooth comes flyin' out of his mouth!"

Chas was terrified. "Forget it, Drew! My teeth aren't even loose yet!"

"So what?" asked Drew. "Stand still."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

Meanwhile, Stu, dressed as a Spanish bullfighter, waved his red blanket before the bull, infuriating him into charging towards him. Stu was so terrified he ran as fast as he could, while Drew, still holding the string attached to the bull's tail, was sent flying in the direction of the bull. Drew was screaming all the way as the bull dashed all over the ranch, wrecking flowerpots, hay bales, and lamps in the process. Finally, Drew let go of the string and smashed into… his father!

Lou was furious! "Dagnabbit, Drew!" he cried out. "I thought I told you to behave yourself! You're gonna get a good spanking when we get home!"

"No! No! No!" screamed Drew, for nothing terrified him more than a spanking from his own father.

* * *

Back at home, a few hours later, Stu and Chas approached Drew, who was still sore from the spanking.

"Are you okay, Drew?" asked Stu.

Chas then said to Drew, "Maybe we should just forget about my teeth. After all, your dad did say that one of your own teeth is about to come out."

"That doesn't matter!" cried Drew. "We've done too much hard work to give up now!"

"But what are we gonna do?" asked Stu.

"You guys stay here. I got one more idea." And Drew went to his toy chest.

As Stu and Chas watched this, they heard Lou shout, "Stu! The opera is on TV! This time, it's Robert Merrill and Roberta Peters in Rossini's _Barber of Seville_!"

Stu became very excited, for his father had allowed him to see some snippets of opera lately. But Chas was confused, and he asked Stu, "What's a _Barber of Seville_?"

Stu replied, "You'll find out when Bob Merry sings Figaro."

And as Chas and Stu watched the opera with Lou, they saw Robert Merrill himself, in costume as Figaro, singing the famous aria "Largo al factotum":

"_Largo al factotum della città.  
Larala! Larala! Larala! La!  
Presto a bottega che l'alba è già.  
Larala! Larala! Larala! La!  
Ah, che bel vivere, che bel piacere,  
Che bel piacere per un barbiere di qualità!_

_Ah, bravo Figaro! Bravo, bravissimo!  
Larala! Larala! Larala! La!  
Fortunatissimo per verità!  
Larala! Larala! Larala! La!  
Fortunatissimo per verità!  
Fortunatissimo per verità!  
Larala! Larala! Larala! La!_"

When Lou got up to get some potato chips for the kids, Chas said, "You know, Stu."

"Yeah, Chas?" asked Stu.

"I don't know if I really want to lose my teeth now. I like them just the way they are."

"Really?"

"Yeah, Stu. I'm scared. I mean, what if Drew's plan back at the cattle ranch worked? Instead of him bein' at the end of that string, it could have been me and my tooth!"

"Gee, Chas. I never thought of that! If you're scared, we don't have to do it."

"We don't?"

"Of course not. When Drew comes back, we'll just tell him you've changed your mind."

But Drew had returned with a pair of toy pliers shouting, "Finster! I want that tooth, and I want it now!"

Both Chas and Stu were terrified, and they ran away! Drew ran after them as Figaro continued to sing:

"_Pronto a far tutto, la notte e il giorno  
sempre d'intorno in giro sta.  
Miglior cuccagna per un barbiere,  
vita più nobile, no, non si da.  
Larala! Larala! Larala! Larala! Larala! La!_"

And when Lou returned to the couch, he saw that Stu and Chas were not there. "Oh, my goodness! Where are they?" he asked himself with concern.

Meanwhile, Drew was chasing Stu and Chas down the hallway and into Lou's room as Figaro sang:

"_Rasori e pettini, lancette e forbici,  
al mio comando tutto qui sta.  
Rasori e pettini, lancette e forbici,  
al mio comando tutto qui sta._"

But soon, Drew couldn't find the other two boys.

"_V'è la risorsa, poi, del mestiere…_"

As Drew looked around, he saw a buckled shoe under the bed. Assuming it was Chas', he pulled up the sheets, only to find that the shoe was empty.

"_Colla donnetta… col cavaliere…_"

Then, he looked into the wardrobe, where Chas and Stu were hiding among Lou's overcoats and hats.

"_Colla donnetta, lararela, laralo…  
Col cavaliere, lelarala, lalo…_"

Finding no one, instead seeing two men in hats and coats, Drew closed the wardrobe. But then, it dawned upon him: "Wait a second!"

"_La! La! La!_"

"Give me those chompers, Finster!" cried Drew.

And off Stu and Chas ran as the chase (and Figaro's aria) continued:

"_Ah, che bel vivere, che bel piacere,  
Che bel piacere per un barbiere di qualità!_"

As for Lou, he had his own problems looking for Stu and Chas, both of whom he just missed as he looked under a table and they ran past him to get away from Drew.

"_Tutti mi chiedono, tutti mi vogliono,  
Donne, ragazzi, vecchi, fanciulle:  
Qua la parrucca… Presto la barba…  
Qua la sanguigna… Presto il biglietto…  
Tutti mi chiedono, tutti mi vogliono,  
Tutti mi chiedono, tutti mi vogliono,  
Qua la parrucca… Presto la barba… Presto il biglietto…_"

Stu and Chas got onto the couch just in time to hear Figaro sing that iconic operatic passage:

"_Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! Figaro!_ _Figaro! Figaro! Figaro!_"

Presently, Drew entered, to the dismay of Stu and Chas.

"_Ahimè, ahimè, che furia! Ahimè, che folla!  
Uno alla volta, per carità, per carità, per carità!_"

And as Drew lunged forward with the toy pliers, Chas and Stu ducked under the table, causing Drew to hit the couch as the other two made their escape.

"_Uno alla volta, uno alla volta,  
Uno alla volta, per carità!_"

Whereupon, Drew got up in a rage and ran after Chas and Stu.

Meanwhile, Lou was calling for Stu and Chas: "Stu! Charles! Where are you two?"

All while Figaro was singing:

"_Ehi, Figaro! Son qua.  
Ehi, Figaro! Son qua.  
Figaro qua, Figaro là,  
Figaro qua, Figaro là,  
Figaro su, Figaro giù.  
Figaro su, Figaro giù.  
Pronto prontissimo son come il fulmine:  
sono il factotum della città,  
della città, della città, della città._"

But every time Lou looked into a room, Stu and Chas ran right past him, with Drew in hot pursuit.

"_Ah, bravo Figaro! Bravo, bravissimo,  
Ah, bravo Figaro! Bravo, bravissimo,  
a te fortuna, a te fortuna, a te fortuna non mancherà.  
Ah, bravo Figaro! Bravo, bravissimo,  
Ah, bravo Figaro! Bravo, bravissimo,  
a te fortuna, a te fortuna, a te fortuna non mancherà.  
Sono il factotum della città!_"

"STOP!" cried Drew to Stu and Chas.

"_Sono il factotum della città,  
della città, della città, della città!_"

But soon, Chas and Stu got out of the way, and Drew ran into a wall, getting the attention of Lou, who dashed to where he had heard the crash as fast as he could.

"Oh, I hope they're all right! I hope they're all right!" he said to himself.

And when Lou got to the site of Drew's crash, he was pleasantly surprised to find that Stu and Chas were just fine. "Oh, thank goodness you're safe!" he cried out as he embraced the two boys.

As Drew got up, Stu told Lou, "Pop, Drew tried to knock my friend's teeth out for the tooth fairy."

Lou then glared at Drew and snarled, "Drew, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Presently, Drew felt something in his mouth, and when he spat it out, he saw that his loose tooth had fallen out.

"A tooth! A tooth!" cried Drew, speaking in a newly-acquired lisp. "I lotht a tooth! YETH!"

"That got him!" said Chas.

Upon seeing the tooth in Drew's hand, Lou smiled and said to him, "Well, I'll tell your mother about it right away! Just put it under your pillow tonight, and the tooth fairy will give you a reward!"

And Drew said to Chas, "Nectht time ya thee me I'm gonna be rich! It'th mine! All mine!"

* * *

The next day, Marvin and Shirley were driving Chas to Third Street School, when Chas was thinking, "I wonder what Drew is gonna do with his money? I hope he doesn't spend it all in one place."

But once Chas entered the kindergarten classroom, as music from Mozart's _The Magic Flute_ was playing on the teacher's record player, who should he see but Drew, who had a sour look on his face.

"Well, Drew," said Chas. "Did you get a visit from the tooth fairy?"

Nothing from Drew.

"Are you rich?"

Nothing from Drew.

"Did you buy yourself a horse or anything?"

Nothing from Drew… until he showed Chas a dime in his hand.

"Yeah, the tooth fairy gave me thome money," said Drew. "A dime! A dime! All that work for one louthy dime! Go buy yourthelf thome candy, Finthter!"

And Drew placed the dime in Chas' hand as he grumbled, "The tooth fairy! Ha! What a joke!"

But Chas gazed at the dime as though it were the Holy Grail, and he said to himself, "I guess there's just no pleasing some people."

And that first dime, already earned at the tender age of five, was another joy for young Charles Finster.


	4. The Library

_It is in kindergarten when Charles starts learning how to read. And now that he has his own library card, he can check out as many books as he wants to, from Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat to collections of classic fairy tales._

Until he was five years old, Chas, like most small children, was illiterate, unable to read or write. All this was to change when he was in kindergarten.

In October 1962, a month after Chas and Drew had learned the alphabet, their kindergarten teacher gave the class a very special assignment: "Attention, children. To-day, you will learn how to read a book."

Chas was startled. He was just starting to read, and he had never thought that he would be assigned a book to read already.

"Don't worry, kids," said the teacher. "The books don't have to be too long. The book you choose should be easy enough for you to read. This assignment is due Friday, so be sure to do your assignment on time."

"Uh-oh," said Chas to himself, even though it was only Monday.

"Gee, Finthter," said Drew, the gap where his baby tooth used to be interfering with the way he talked. "I really wouldn't wanna be you!"

"What do you mean, Drew?" asked Chas. "You've got the same assignment!"

Drew's face fell as he said, "Oh."

"Well, what can we do?" asked Chas.

"Yeah, what bookth are we gonna find for thith week'th athignment?"

"And how are we gonna find them?"

* * *

The answer came much sooner than either boy thought. For in the Finster household, Chas was reading some simple poetry given him by the teacher: "See Spot run. Spot runs fast. Run, Spot, run!"

And when his mother Shirley walked into his room, she saw him reading and said, "My, how time flies! Marvin, Charles has learned how to read!"

Marvin came in and said proudly, "Well, so ya have, slugger! And now that you know how to read, you will soon get your own library card! It won't be long before you start reading classics like _Moby Dick_!"

"What's _Moby Dick_?" asked Chas.

"You'll find out soon enough when we get to the library."

* * *

And so, Marvin and Shirley took little Chas to the library, a clean, sophisticated building which had then recently been built.

The librarian looked at the Finster family and asked, "May I help you?"

Marvin replied, "Our son Charles has just started learning to read, and he would like a library card."

"Oh, how time flies," sighed Shirley wistfully.

Chas then said to the librarian, "What does it take to get a library card?"

The librarian smiled and said, "You just have to be able to write your full name."

Chas gasped. For a five-year-old kid, being able to write your full name was a big deal.

"Oh, I should have known there was a catch to it!" he cried.

* * *

And so, back at home, Chas resolved to learn how to write his own name. After all, as he said to himself, "If I want to complete this assignment, I gotta get my own library card. And if I want my own library card, I gotta write my full name: Charles Norbert Finster."

Chas sat down and began to write. At first, his handwriting was very rudimentary, since he had just begun to write as well as read.

But as Chas was writing, Drew would bother him by tossing rocks at his window. And when Chas opened the window, he asked, "What do you want, Drew?"

Drew shouted, "Have you gotten your book yet, Finthter?"

"Look, before I get a book for my assignment, I'm gonna need to write my name to get a library card."

Drew snickered at Chas, "I've got my library card already!" And he showed Chas his library card as he said proudly, "Thee? Andrew Louith Pickleth! And now, I'm gonna get a book for my athignment! Good luck, Finthter! You'll need it!" And he ran to the library laughing.

Chas glared at Drew as he said to himself, "Just you wait, Drew. When I have my own library card, I'm gonna get whatever book I want!"

And Chas got back to learning how to write his name…

* * *

Three hours and twenty-two attempts later, Chas muttered, "There are too many letters in my name! Why didn't mommy and daddy name me something simple, like CJ?"

Presently, Chas' parents entered his room, and Shirley noticed something on Chas' paper. "Marvin," said Shirley with a smile, "Charles seems to have written 'Charles Norbert' down."

Marvin saw it too, and soon, so did Chas. The little red-haired boy smiled and said, "Hey, wait a minute! Charles Norbert…" And sooner than you could say his full name, Chas wrote "Finster" on the paper as well, and he shouted with joy, "Finster! I wrote my name! I wrote my name! Look out, world! Chas Finster can write, and soon enough, I will be all grown-up!"

Both Marvin and Shirley grinned at Chas, then at each other, knowing that their son was growing up faster than they thought.

* * *

All through the next day, Chas was busy writing his name on a piece of paper: during story time, during recess, and even as the other kids did their creative artwork. In fact, Chas was writing by the table while Drew was doing a finger painting of the Red Sea on a sheet of paper on an easel.

"Man, thith _Red Thea_ of mine maketh me feel cold and numb ath if it were pouring over me," said Drew to himself as he splattered some paint to represent a drowning Egyptian soldier in the sea in revenge. Then, he turned to Chas and asked, "What are you doing, Finthter?"

"I'm practicing writing my name for my library card," Chas replied.

"Finthter, do you really think you can get your library card and not meth up your name? I'll bet you can't even thpell your firtht name!"

"I can so, Drew! In fact, I've already spelled it 100 times!"

And the two kindergarten boys got back to work.

* * *

After school, Chas' parents took him straight to the library, where he waited patiently in line to write his name. Chas was extremely nervous, as he often was, because he thought, "What if Drew's right? What if I forget my own name? That would be upsetting!"

Then he heard his mother say, "Good luck, Charles."

"Oh, yeah—Charles," he said to himself. "That's my first name. But will I remember my middle name?"

For Chas, there was only one way to find out. As soon as his turn came, the librarian handed the little boy a pen, and he used it to write his name on the back of the card where the owner's name was supposed to go.

And as soon as Chas turned in the card, the librarian looked at it, and she said, "Very nice. 'Charles Norbert Finster.' Here's your card, young man."

Once Chas received the card, he smiled and said, "Wow! My own library card! I'm gonna check out as many books as I want, and no one's gonna stop me!"

And he ran off to the children's section, laughing with triumph.

Marvin and Shirley looked on as Shirley sighed, "They grow up so fast."

* * *

Getting a library card was half the battle for Chas' assignment. Now all he needed to do was select a book to read. Unfortunately for Chas, the children's section had so many books to choose from.

"Oh, man!" he groaned. "There are so many books to choose from! Which one do I get for my report?"

He looked around and saw the books all placed neatly in shelves. One particularly big book (well, big for a children's book) caught Chas' attention. "What's this?" he asked.

And he walked to the book, took it from its shelf, and read its title: _Favorite Fairy Tales for Little Ones_. "This'll be perfect for my report!" he said to himself.

And with that, he took the book, opened it, and began to read. The first tale in the book was about the Three Little Pigs. At first, Chas enjoyed himself as he read about how the pigs set out into the world to build their own houses. The first pig built his house out of straw, the second pig built his house out of sticks, and the third pig built his house out of bricks.

But then, a big, bad wolf came along, snarling as he was looking for a good meal, and little Chas was so terrified of the wolf that he let out a big loud scream and began to cry.

This caught the attention of Marvin and Shirley, the latter who ran to console him, crying out, "Charles! Charles, what's wrong?"

Chas pointed to the book, sobbing, "That big, bad wolf is so scary, mommy!"

Shirley hugged her sobbing son and said softly, "It's okay, Charles. It's okay. Don't be scared. It's just a story, a story meant to be read because you're learning how to read. And besides, Mommy's here to dry your eyes."

And Chas stopped crying as he panted, "I want you to finish the story for me, mommy."

Shirley replied, "Very well, my little muffin man. I will take it from here."

And after Chas had calmed down, Shirley read from where her son had left off: "The big, bad wolf came upon the first pig's house and said, 'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!'

"'Not by the hair on my chinny, chin, chin!' cried the little pig.

"'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!'

"So, the wolf huffed and he puffed and he blew the house in!"

Chas shivered as Shirley read, "The first pig was so scared he ran off to the second pig's house!"

"I'd be _that_ scared too," said Chas to himself.

* * *

After Shirley had read several of the tales in the book, Chas decided to settle for a much smaller book: Dr. Seuss' _The Cat in the Hat_.

As he was standing in line to check out his first book, who should he bump into but Stu and Drew, the latter who was holding a book called _Millions of Cats_ by Wanda Gag.

"Stu, Drew," said Chas. "I didn't know you two were coming over."

Stu replied, "Well, my mom, pop, and Drew brought me over so I could get my own library card."

"But why?" asked Chas. "You can't even read yet. And besides, you have to write your full name to get a library card."

"Yeah, but once I do, I'll get to check out my own books for mom and pop to read to me at bedtime. You see, I wouldn't trust Drew to check out the books for me because he once ate the cover off my coloring book."

Drew became incensed. "Did not, Thtuie!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not timeth a thouthand trillion!"

"Did too times a thousand million billion!"

"Well, at leatht I would never hurt a library book."

Chas cut into the argument to ask, "Excuse me, Drew, but if you hurt Stu's coloring book, then what's the difference between that and a library book?"

Drew replied, "Becauthe, Finthter, if you tear the cover off a library book, they'll take away your library card forever!"

Chas gulped, "Really?"

"Drew, you're scaring him!" cried Stu. "I don't like seeing Chas scared."

When his turn came, Chas gave the librarian the book he wanted to check out along with his library card.

In those days, Chas would have to write his name on the yellow piece of paper inside the book whenever he took a book out. Then, once the librarian had written down the due date next to the name Chas had written down, she said to him, "Here you go! Take good care of it!"

"Or elthe," said Drew to Chas, snickering to Stu's consternation, and to Chas' shock.

As Marvin and Shirley drove him home, Chas handled the book with care, fearing what might happen if anything bad happened to it. But what if, when he got home, he broke the cover off his book? What would happen to him—and his library card? How would Stu react? Drew would mock him for sure!

* * *

All through the next school day, which was Thursday, Chas was anxious about how to read his book. What Drew had told him the day before dogged him through recess, story time, naptime, and creative art class.

Luckily, that day, Shirley had set up a playdate for Chas and Stu at the Finster residence.

Once Lou and Trixie took Stu and Drew to the house, Trixie said to Stu, "Now, be a good little boy for Mr. and Mrs. Finster."

"Yes, mom," said Stu.

As soon as Lou and Trixie went into the kitchen to talk to Marvin and Shirley, Drew snickered at Stu and Chas and said to himself, "Finthter really bought it. He really thought that if you hurt a library book, they'll take away your library card forever! Good thing I've already finished my athignment, tho nothing can go wrong!"

But Drew spoke too soon, for as soon as he went outside, he didn't notice that a man had carelessly dropped a banana peel. And as soon as he put his foot down, Drew slipped on the peel and fell to the ground, letting go of his book in the process. As soon as Drew got up, he saw that, not only did he scrape his knees, but, once he picked up the book, he saw that its cover had been ripped off.

"NO!" screamed Drew.

And it was a scream that caught the ear of Lou, who said to Trixie, "Don't concern yourself, dear. I'll go see what's wrong."

As soon as Lou stepped outside, he saw that it was Drew, crying his eyes out as he held up his library book, along with its torn cover. Lou tried to comfort him as Drew cried, "It'th true! They're gonna take away my library card _forever_!"

But Lou kept saying, "Now, now, Drew. Don't cry. You may have to pay a fine, but you won't lose your library card forever."

Stu and Chas watched this from inside the house, and Chas shivered as he said, "Man! Glad I'm not him!"

Still confused, Stu asked, "What are you talking about?"

Chas replied, "You saw how Drew said if you hurt a book, they take away your library card forever! I haven't read it yesterday or to-day because I'm afraid I might lose my library card."

But then, Stu looked at the book with a determined look in his eye, and he picked up the book.

Scared, Chas asked, "Stu? Stu, what are you doing?"

Stu replied, "I'm opening your book, Chas."

"Why? _I'm_ the one who can read! Besides, my book assignment is due to-morrow."

"Sure, Chas. Your assignment for _this_ book is due to-morrow, but what about your next library book, and the book after that? Are you gonna be afraid to open a book forever?"

"Sounds good to me."

"You gotta finish your assignment, Chas, one way or another. _I'll_ open it, if you're so worried."

"I don't know, Stu. Maybe this isn't such a good idea."

And Chas covered his eyes as Stu opened the book. Stu smiled as he turned to Chas and said, "Good news, Chas. Your book is safe!"

As soon as Chas uncovered his eyes, he smiled and chuckled, "Well, I guess it is, isn't it?"

So, Stu handed Chas the book, safe and sound, and he began to read:

"The sun did not shine.  
It was too wet to play.  
So we sat in the house  
All that cold, cold, wet day…"

* * *

Drew couldn't bear to go to school the next day, so he missed out on the assignment, while Chas reported on Dr. Seuss' _The Cat in the Hat_: "…In conclusion, _The Cat in the Hat_ is an excellent story that will change every child's life forever, and in a good way! Thank you."

All his classmates applauded, and the teacher said, "Excellent report, Charles. You pass with flying colors!"

Chas blushed modestly and said, "Well, it was nothing, really."

And Chas had every right to feel modest; at five-and-a-half years old and in kindergarten, he had just started to read.

Not long thereafter, it was naptime, the one time of the school day that kindergartners cherish almost as much as recess. Taking naps, right in the middle of the day. After his kindergarten graduation, Chas wouldn't be this lucky until he was twenty.

As he napped on this particular Friday, Chas dreamed that he was being pursued by the big, bad wolf… until his mother Shirley stepped in and beat the living daylights out the wolf, forcing the villain to scamper away for good! As long as his mother was there, Chas was no longer afraid.

And Chas was never afraid to read a book again. From then on, reading would be a joy for young Charles Finster.


	5. Charles' Glasses

_On a rainy spring day, just before Charles' sixth birthday, Stu invites him on a playdate at the Pickles' residence. During a game of indoor hide-and-seek, Drew steals Charles' glasses, and poor Charles has to frantically search for them, blindly, in the rain._

_Based on the "Rugrats" episode "Chuckie Loses His Glasses"_

One April day in 1963, Chas was riding his tricycle along the playground, as he always liked to do as a kindergartner. He had gotten it for his fourth birthday, to replace the one that had gotten wrecked in March of 1961. It had a shiny red frame, a bell, a horn, and everything else a kindergartner could ask for in a trike. And he got to move it himself with the use of pedals.

Chas really liked trike-racing with his classmates, all in good-natured fun. Whenever one of the kids won, the rest of them laughed.

But of course, Drew got a little too competitive with his trike. He even gave off a conceited laugh as he rushed past the other kindergartners, leaving them all in the dust. Unfortunately for him, Drew ended up losing the trike race for that day's recess; he rammed his trike into a rock and flew off it into a nearby mud puddle.

As Drew lay flat on his face in the mud, Chas pedaled his own trike towards him and asked, "Hey, Drew. Are you okay?"

But when Drew got up from the mud, Chas tried to stifle his laughter at seeing his classmate covered in mud from head to toe. "I'm sorry, Drew," he said with a smile. "It's just that you look like a giant mud pie!"

And he and his other classmates all laughed at Drew, who became so enraged he stormed off in a huff, murmuring, "You're gonna be thorry, Finthter!"

* * *

Saturday came, but it was a day of April showers. Rain was pouring from the sky onto the ground, so, although Stu had invited Chas to his house the day before, both of them, along with Drew, had to stay indoors.

"Hey, Stu," said the red-haired, freckle-faced boy to the purple-haired preschooler. "You don't think your brother's still mad about the fact that I laughed at him after he fell in the mud, do you?"

Stu replied optimistically, "Nah, he probably forgot all about it. And besides, Pop cleaned him up after school."

In came Drew, along with Lou and Trixie. Trixie said to Drew, "Okay, honey. Your father and I have something very important to watch on TV. So, you be a good little boy and play nicely."

"Yeth, mom," said Drew as he crossed his fingers behind his back.

Lou then said to Trixie, "Boy, it's raining cats and dogs out there!"

Stu, having overheard his parents, looked out the window and asked, "Are you sure, pop? I don't see any cats _or_ dogs. Just water."

"It's just an expression, Stuie," said Trixie as she and Lou went into the living room to watch Puccini's _Turandot_ on TV.

But as soon as the couple had left Drew, Stu, and Chas in Stu's bedroom, Drew began to complain, "That'th jutht great! Firtht, I get thtuck with you two all afternoon, and now I have to thtay inthide becauthe of thith thtupid rain!"

Chas then said, "Maybe we should find a nice game to play inside."

Drew snapped, "Or what? You gonna push me in the mud again?!"

Chas gulped.

Stu then exclaimed, "How about hide-and-seek?"

"I don't know, Stu," Chas replied. "Maybe this isn't such a good idea. I mean, you have to be all by yourself when everybody hides."

"Aw, it'th a thtupid game anywa…" But as he spoke, Drew got an idea, and he said to Chas and Stu, "Thay, wait a minute. I think hide-and-theek ith egthactly the right game, and I'll figure out who'th gonna be 'it' firtht…"

Drew approached Stu and Chas and began to chant:

"Eeny, meeny, miny, mo,  
Catch a tiger by the toe.  
If he hollerth, make him pay  
Fifty dollarth every day.  
My mommy told me to pick the very betht one,  
And you are it!"

After Drew had finished his chant, his finger landed on Chas. "Well, whaddya know!" he cried out. "You're it, Finthter!"

"Oh, no!" groaned Chas.

"Oh, yeth!"

"But I don't wanna be it!"

Stu replied, "Well, it was your idea to play inside."

Chas then rolled his eyes and put his hands over his glasses.

"Wait a minute!" cried Drew just as Chas was about to count. "You could thtill thee uth with thothe glatheth on! Take 'em off and turn around!"

"My glasses?" cried Chas. "But I can't just take 'em off!"

"Then you can't play!"

Poor Chas didn't know what to do. He had always had poor vision (he was terribly nearsighted), but it wasn't until his second birthday when he got his first glasses. Now that it was almost his sixth birthday, Drew wanted him to take off his glasses already.

And so, reluctantly, Chas took off his glasses and placed them on the windowsill, saying, "Okay, okay, but only while I'm counting 'cause I don't like doing it."

And as Chas began to count to ten, Stu hid beneath the armchair, while Drew snatched the glasses unnoticed.

As a kindergartner, Chas was able to count to ten: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Ready or not, here I come."

But when Chas reached for the glasses, he felt nothing.

"Oh, no!" cried Chas as Drew snickered to himself, unheard by the unfortunate redhead.

During this time, Lou and Trixie were watching _Turandot_ starring Birgit Nilsson, who sang in her steely and powerful voice:

"_In questa reggia,  
or son mill'anni e mille,  
un grido disperato risonò…_"

Meanwhile, Chas, now blind as a bat, looked around for his glasses, but saw, in a potted plant, a ferocious monster!

He ran off screaming and panted, "Okay, I didn't see that."

"_E quel grido,  
traverso stirpe e stirpe  
qui nell'anima mia si rifugiò!_"

Then, when he looked at the armchair Stu was hiding in, he saw another monster and screamed, "Help! Where are you, Stu? Come out here, Drew! I need help!"

Under the armchair, Stu heard Chas' screams as he overheard the music that was coming from the TV:

"_Principessa Lo-u-Ling,  
ava dolce e serena  
che regnavi nel tuo cupo silenzio  
in gioia pura,  
e sfidasti inflessibile e sicura  
l'aspro dominio,  
oggi rivivi in me!_"

Stu then said to himself, "Hey, it sounds like Chas is in trouble. Maybe I should help him?"

But he stopped himself and said, "No, that's what he _wants_ me to think. Chas may be trying to trick me."

"Stu, is that you?" he heard Chas ask.

But Stu whispered to himself, "Shhh. I gotta lay low, so that none may hear me. After all, this is hide-and-seek. He's supposed to find _me_, or else I'll be a peeker."

And as Stu remained hidden, he heard the crowd sing on TV:

"_Fu quando il Re dei Tartari  
le sette sue bandiere dispiegò._"

So, poor Chas was left to his own devices as Turandot sang on the TV:

"_Pure nel tempo che ciascun ricorda,  
fu sgomento e terrore e rombo d'armi.  
Il regno vinto! Il regno vinto!_"

Then when Chas looked at the armchair again, he saw another monster and was more frightened than ever.

"Aaah!" he screamed. "Somebody help me! I can't see!"

"_E Lo-u-Ling, la mia ava, trascinata…_"

But Chas said, "Well, I _can_ see a little."

"…_da un uomo come te,  
come te, straniero…_"

But Chas could hardly see at all! When he looked at the couch where Lou and Trixie were seated, he saw a clown, which scared him into stumbling backwards until he was outside, in the rain.

"…_là nella notte atroce  
dove si spense la sua fresca voce!_"

It turned out that Drew had opened the sliding glass door leading to the backyard, and Drew, still holding onto Chas' glasses, took off his own glasses and said, "I don't need _thethe_ glatheth!"

And Drew threw his own glasses into the backyard and put on Chas' glasses for a spin as the crowd sang on TV:

"_Da secoli ella dorme  
nella sua tomba enorme._"

Meanwhile, Stu, still under the armchair, thought to himself, "Chas has been gone a really long time. Maybe I should go find him. He might be in trouble."

All this as the soprano sang:

"_O Principi,  
che a lunghe carovane  
d'ogni parte del mondo  
qui venite a gettar la vostra sorte…_"

And Stu got up from the armchair to look around for Chas.

"…_io vendico su voi,  
su voi, quella purezza…_"

But soon at last, he met with Drew, who, without his glasses, held up Chas' glasses for Stu to see.

"…_quel grido e quella morte!  
Quel grido e quella morte!_"

With feigned sorrow, Drew said, "Thith ith all that'th left of our very bethtetht friend in the whole wide world, Charleth Norbert Finthter! He'th gone for good!"

"Don't you say that!" cried Stu defiantly. "He's gotta be around here somewhere!"

"_Mai nessun m'avrà!_"

"He is not!" cried Drew.

"Is too!" cried Stu.

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"_Mai nessun, nessun m'avrà!_"

Drew sighed, "Why am I even arguing with a dumb four-year-old?"

And he tossed Chas' glasses, only for Stu to catch them with a retort: "I'm four-and-a-half!"

"_L'orror di chi l'uccise  
vivi nel cuor mi sta!_"

Meanwhile, in the backyard, Chas was looking everywhere for Stu, muttering to himself, "Hey, it's raining. I'm outside."

Then, as he looked at a bush, he thought he saw Stu himself.

"Stu!" he cried with joy as he rushed towards the bush.

"_No, no! Mai nessun m'avrà!  
Ah, rinasce in me l'orgoglio  
di tanta purità!_"

Chas said to "Stu," "There you are. You won't believe what happened. Remember when I took off my glasses to count to ten? Well, I couldn't see, and then things got scary of course, and there were monsters…"

Back inside, Stu looked at Chas' glasses and said to himself, "Maybe if I wear Chas' glasses, I'll be able to see the rest of him too."

"_Straniero! Non tentar la fortuna!  
Gli enigmi sono tre,  
la morte è una!_"

And so, he put on Chas' glasses and saw all the scary things Chas had seen _without_ his glasses. "Wow!" cried Stu. "_This_ must be what Chas sees! No wonder he's so scared!"

Meanwhile, on the TV, the Unknown Prince sang to Turandot with a ringing tenor voice:

"_No, no! Gli enigmi sono tre,  
una è la vita!_"

Turandot: "_No, no!  
Gli enigmi sono tre, la morte è una!_"

Prince: "_Gli enigmi sono tre,  
una è la vita!_"

As Stu stumbled blindly into the kitchen, he looked at a grocery bag and thought he saw Chas. He cried out, "Hey, Chas! Come down! It's me, Stu!"

On the TV, the crowd sang:

"_Al Principe straniero  
offri la prova ardita,  
o Turandot! Turandot!_"

Outside, Chas took a closer look at "Stu," only to find that "Stu" was a bush. "You're not Stu!" he cried.

Inside, Stu grabbed "Chas" and pulled "him" down to the ground, only to find that "Chas" was a bag of vegetables.

Outside, it had stopped raining. So, Chas walked around the backyard, looking for his glasses, and groaned, "Oh, it's no use. I'm not gonna find him without…"

Suddenly, Chas heard the sound of glass crunching. He looked down and saw, to his dismay, a pair of broken glasses underneath his foot.

"My glasses!" cried Chas with tears in his eyes, because he thought the glasses were his own. "Oh, no! Now I'm never gonna see again!"

Finally, he did the only thing a kindergartner like him could do in that kind of situation: he cried!

Chas' sobs caught the attention of Lou and Trixie.

"Jumpin' Jehosaphat!" cried Lou. "What's that?"

"Sounds like someone crying," said Trixie.

"Sounds like Chas crying!" exclaimed Stu as he ran to his parents. "Come on, Mom and Pop!"

And as Stu ran into the backyard, Lou and Trixie, baffled as to why Stu was wearing Chas' glasses, shrugged their shoulders and followed their little son.

Once he and his parents were outside, Stu struggled hard to look for Chas, and eventually, he saw the red-haired kindergartner, sitting in the middle of the lawn crying.

"Chas!" cried Stu.

Chas stopped crying upon hearing Stu's voice. "Stu?" he asked incredulously. Then, upon eventually seeing Stu, he cried out, "Stu!"

"Chas!"

Stu ran towards Chas, and Chas ran towards Stu. But they soon ran straight past each other because they couldn't see properly. Stu ran right into a lawn chair, causing Chas' glasses to fall off his face and onto the ground, and Chas in turn tripped over a footstool.

As Lou and Trixie approached the two boys, Stu said, "Chas, Drew told me you were lost forever, but I knew you were okay. Here, put these on."

And Stu put Chas' glasses on, to Chas' unbounding joy. "My glasses!" shouted Chas. "I can see!"

"Me too!" cried Stu. "How do you see with those glasses anyway? When I put them on, I thought you were a bag of vegetables."

"I thought you were a bush. Then, I thought my glasses were broken. I stepped on them and made them go crunch!"

As Stu and Chas went back into the house, Stu asked, "But, Chas, if Drew and I had your glasses on the whole time, then whose glasses did you break?"

Suddenly, the two boys heard a piercing cry. It belonged to Drew, who brought in his own glasses, now broken because Chas had stepped on them by mistake.

"Mom! Pop!" he sobbed. "My glatheth got broken!"

"Oh, no!" cried Trixie. "Lou, hurry! Drew's broken his glasses!"

"Oh, no, not again!" groaned Lou. "Now, we're gonna have to buy him a new pair of glasses!"

As they saw this, Stu and Chas looked at each other. Neither boy wanted to tell Drew that Chas was the one who broke his glasses. And good thing too! Chas averted a vicious cycle of revenge!

* * *

On April 26, 1963, Chas celebrated his sixth birthday. Marvin and Shirley were careful to give him neat big-boy toys like a toy rocket ship, a writing desk, and a BB gun, although Chas always thought that the last one was dangerous.

Turning six was a joy for young Charles Finster, because he was already becoming a big kid!


	6. Charles Graduates

_Charles and his friends are getting ready for the end of kindergarten and are graduating to the numbered grades. Charles feels a bit anxious about becoming a big kid so he tries to find the principal to talk to him. But when he finds out that Drew is just as nervous about growing up as he is, he convinces Drew (and himself) that first grade will be great._

_Inspired by the "Doug" episode "Doug Graduates"_

Ah, kindergarten! Young Charles Finster's kindergarten year was overall a time of joy, innocence, and takin' 'er easy!

All through the school year, from September 1962 to June 1963, Chas and Drew would swing on the swing set or ride their trikes during recess.

During playtime, they would play musical chairs with their classmates.

During music time, the teacher would play classical music for them, such as Prokofiev's _Peter and the Wolf_, Saint-Saëns' _Carnival of the Animals_, and Mozart's _The Magic Flute_.

During creative thinking time, Chas would write cute little poems about ducklings by the table, while Drew would do paintings on an easel. And at that point in his life, whenever Drew painted, he didn't use a brush. Instead, he would stick his hands right in the paint and feel the color as he did his artworks.

But what Chas most enjoyed about kindergarten was taking naps—right in the middle of the day. Not until he was twenty years old would he be this lucky again…

But all that was about to change.

* * *

It was June of 1963, and for six-year-old Chas, it was hard to believe that soon, he would be leaving kindergarten for good.

But on Tuesday, the kindergarten teacher said to the students, "Attention, class: in three days, you will be graduating kindergarten and entering the numbered grades!"

The class was excited.

"Three days!" said one of the boys.

"I can't wait!" cried another.

One of the girls sighed, "Three days!"

Yes, in three days, the kindergartners would be graduating.

"Woo-hoo!" Drew shouted with joy. "Sayonara! I've done my time! I'm gonna be a first grader now!" (Drew's permanent teeth had grown in to replace his lost two front teeth, so he lost the lisp.)

Everybody was really excited about entering the first grade… everybody except one person: Chas Finster.

The kindergarten teacher, who was an understanding person, said to the red-haired boy, "Charles, what's the matter?"

"I don't know, ma'am," sighed Chas. "I just feel funny."

"Cheer up, young man," said the teacher. "Three more days, and you'll be closer to being a grown-up than ever before!"

"I know, but I still feel a bit scared."

"Maybe you should talk to the principal about it. He may help you out."

"Okay, if you say so…"

* * *

Chas decided to visit the principal's office during recess. But when he got to the office, he was met with Miss Lemon, the school secretary, then a young woman.

And Miss Lemon said to little Chas, "N-O spells 'no.' You can't see the principal. He's busy."

Chas asked, "Can't I just see him for a few minutes?"

"The principal is way too busy to talk to a student unless the said student has been called up to his office."

Chas then walked away and back to the playground to swing on the swing set.

* * *

After school, Chas sat on the tire swing in his own backyard and groaned.

Soon, Stu and Drew passed by with their parents, and Stu, holding onto his red blanket, instinctively approached Chas and asked, "What's the matter, Chas?"

"I don't know, Stu," Chas replied. "I'm about to leave kindergarten and enter the first grade, but somehow, unlike the rest of my classmates, or even Drew, I don't feel happy. And when I tried to talk to the principal about it, I got turned out."

Stu then said, "Gee, that's too bad."

"And I was looking forward to it, because I've never even seen the principal, although I have heard him speak upon the loudspeaker. I wonder what he's like…"

As Chas thought about it, his six-year-old imagination ran wild. Would the principal of Third Street School be anything like the Wizard of Oz? A disembodied head whose booming voice would frighten poor Chas into a blubbering Jell-O mold?

"Who dares arouse the wrath of the great and powerful principal of Third Street School?!" the principal might shout.

"Uh, uh, sorry, sir," Chas might whimper. "I just came because… I'm scared to graduate kindergarten!"

"You're scared to graduate kindergarten?!" the principal might cry out. "You're only six years old, and you're scared to graduate kindergarten?! Then why didn't you say so before? I have something that will help you out."

And the principal might show Chas a little box that Chas, of course, might be hesitant to open…

Now, Chas was even more anxious, not only about graduating kindergarten, but about what the principal of Third Street School was like…

* * *

And so, the next day, Wednesday, Chas, determined to relieve his anxiety, resolved to find the principal. And he had to be very quick about it; there were only two days until the kindergarten graduation.

All through the day, Chas and Drew would have conversations with the other kids.

"Remember our trip to the zoo?" asked one of the boys to Chas and Drew. "That really was something!"

Chas then said to the others, "Listen, you guys. I figured it all out. We can do it, but I'm gonna need your help. Here's the plan to see the principal…"

And so, the kindergartners gathered around Chas to hear in on his plan.

Chas' plan was for him and his classmates to sneak up to the window of the principal's office and try to break in. Five of them, with Drew on the bottom, stacked themselves into a pyramid so Chas could climb up and look into the window.

And when Chas looked into the window of the principal's office, one of the girls asked him, "What do you see?"

"I see the back of the principal's head," Chas replied. "He is seated on a chair that spins around, in front of a huge desk. And the hair upon the principal's head is as white as a snow-covered mountain in the winter."

Drew groaned, "Hurry up, Finster! I can't handle all this weight any longer!"

And Drew collapse in sheer fatigue, causing the five classmates on top of him, including Chas, to fall to the ground. As he fell, Chas thought he saw the principal turning his head to see the chaos outside, but before the principal opened the window, the six kindergartners scampered.

"On second thought, maybe we should hide in the teacher's lounge," said Chas.

"Why don't we just forget it?" said the girl who has asked him before. "We're graduating in two days."

"Yeah!" cried one of the boys. "Two days!"

But Drew didn't say anything.

"But…" Chas couldn't believe his ears. Everybody was dropping out. Nobody wanted to see the principal except Chas…

* * *

On Thursday, there was only one day left. Chas was going to have to go it alone.

The kindergartners were kind enough to organize a party in their teacher's honor and make her a card, each little kid signing with one word.

"We're gonna miss you, ma'am," said one of the boys.

The teacher looked into the card and said, "Oh, look! You _all_ signed it."

Then, she looked at Drew and said, "Andrew, 'So long' is _two_ words."

And Drew blushed.

Finally, the teacher remarked, "But why didn't Charles sign his name?"

"We couldn't find him!" cried one of the girls.

"Couldn't find him? That's funny. Where could he be?"

* * *

Meanwhile, the janitor was carting a crate for the principal. This crate was just big enough to hold a six-year-old. As a matter of fact, it _was_ holding a six-year-old: Chas Finster.

The janitor said to Miss Lemon, "Package."

"To whom is it addressed?" asked Miss Lemon.

The janitor handed Miss Lemon the tag on the crate, and because it had been written in black crayon by a kid who had almost completed kindergarten, neither the janitor nor Miss Lemon could for the life of them decipher what he had written.

"Must be for Mr. Germain's science lab."

Chas couldn't believe his ears!

And so, poor little Chas ended up in Mr. Germain's science lab. He had to wait until recess to sneak out of the room where much-older kids (fourth graders, to be exact) had been studying.

It was then when Chas saw his kindergarten teacher. "Well, there you are!" she said. "You didn't come to the class party. I was worried I wouldn't see you again."

"Wouldn't see me again?" asked Chas. "Why?"

"Well, you'll be graduating to-morrow. I just want to tell you how much I'm going to miss you. It's not going to be the same without you, Charles. Good-byes always make me a bit sad, seeing all my students becoming big kids and entering the numbered grades… But what am I getting weepy for? I'm very sure you're excited about graduating into first grade!"

Excited? How could Chas tell his own teacher that he was far from excited about leaving kindergarten?

He could imagine his classmates goofing off in a smoking school bus, going at 50 miles per hour, as the music that played was, not childhood songs like "The Wheels on the Bus," but the rather more-sophisticated classical music of Beethoven.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" he would cry out. "Don't you realize this bus is about to crash?!"

But the other kids would be unfazed. They would just party like there was a to-morrow.

Chas then would push himself down the aisle, saying, "I gotta find the bus driver! Where is he?!"

Fearing for the future, Chas was in no hurry to grow up…

* * *

Finally, it was Friday morning. Shirley gently woke Chas up, saying, "Wake up, Charles. You don't wanna miss your own kindergarten graduation."

And during the graduation ceremony, which was staged at two o'clock in the afternoon, since each little graduate's bedtime was 7:30 PM, a recording of Elgar's "Pomp and Circumstance" was playing on the record player as the kindergarten graduates stepped up to the stage in the school auditorium.

Among the audience who turned out to see the young graduates were Chas' parents (Marvin and Shirley Finster), Chas' Aunt Muriel, Drew's parents (Lou and Trixie Pickles), Drew's Uncle Sparky, and Drew's little brother Stu Pickles. But suddenly, Marvin and Shirley noticed something.

"Oh, no, Marvin!" cried Shirley. "Charles has disappeared! Where do you think he is?"

"I'm sure he's all right," said Marvin. "Probably fixin' up his cap."

* * *

Meanwhile, Chas was crawling through the vents in a last desperate act to find the principal. At six years old and scarcely three-foot-six, he was just small enough to creep around in the vents.

If Chas didn't find the principal now, it would be too late.

He went past various rooms in the school: the boiler room, the third-grade classroom, even the gymnasium.

* * *

Meanwhile, the kindergarten teacher spoke, "After all the pageantry and revels, we come at last to the grand finale: when I call your name, come up and get your diploma. We will do this alphabetically."

But as the kindergarten teacher handed out her students' diplomas, Shirley whispered to Marvin, "Where's Charles? He's gonna miss his turn."

"You're not alone, Shirley," said Trixie. "Drew's missing, too. Where could he be?"

"He's probably got cold feet," Lou replied. "Sparky here disappeared for fif-TEEN hours before his high school graduation."

"LOU!" cried Sparky, annoyed, and he elbowed Lou in the stomach.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the vents, Chas thought, "It's gotta be around here somewhere!"

Suddenly, he spotted it: the principal's office.

The principal's name was Samuel Solomon, a venerable old man of seventy, with a full head of white hair along with a white beard, yet he looked very dignified indeed. And he seemed to be speaking to a very familiar-looking boy with brown hair and buckteeth, also dressed in a cap and gown.

Suddenly, Chas recognized the boy: "Drew?"

But as he came up close, he ended up opening the vent cover and stumbling into Principal Solomon's office, to the confusion of both Principal Solomon and Drew.

"Charles Finster?" asked the principal. "What are you doing here?"

"I was going to ask that to Drew," said Chas.

"What do you think, Finster?" Drew replied.

Chas then said to Drew, "You're not hiding out from graduation, are you?"

Principal Solomon replied, "Actually, he came here for counseling."

Drew then told Chas, "I love kindergarten as much as the next kid. The music, the finger paints, the naps. Now, we go into first grade, which doesn't have any of that stuff!"

"There, there, Drew," said Chas. "You're not the only one going there. We're all gonna be first graders. Sure, the teacher will be different, and it'll be a new classroom, and I guess that can make you kind of unhappy."

Suddenly, it hit Chas like a bolt of lightning. "Yeah! That can make you scared to be a big kid! But I'll be there with you, and so will all of our classmates! I've got nothing to be afraid of! First grade is gonna be great!"

"Charles has a point, Drew!" said Principal Solomon.

Drew then placed his hand on Chas' shoulder and said with a smile, "Yeah, Finster! We'll both be there together!"

"Yeah, together," said Chas, reassured.

"Of course, when worse comes to worse, I can always pick on you."

Principal Solomon then said to the boys, "Well, you'd better hurry! I think your teacher's handing out the diplomas already."

And Chas and Drew ran for the auditorium as fast as they could.

* * *

Finally, Chas and Drew reached the stage just in time, to the delight of their classmates.

"There's our boy!" cried Marvin to Shirley as they both laughed with joy.

And the kindergarten teacher announced: "Charles Norbert Finster."

"Well," said Chas to Drew, "we are now officially big kids. We've got six years of toothless smiles and kickball to look forward to."

"Way to go, Chas," said one of the girls.

"Go get 'em, Chas," said one of the boys. "See you in first grade."

And Chas received his kindergarten diploma as Marvin and Shirley took his photo.

In the end, graduating kindergarten was a joy for young Charles Finster. When you're a kid who's about to take an important step towards adulthood, it can seem kind of scary. You may have wanted someone older and more mature to tell you everything's going to be all right. But in Chas' case, that older, more mature person was, not Principal Solomon, but Charles Finster himself.


	7. From Trike to Bike

_As a first grader, Charles' baby teeth are starting to drop out. From his first day of preschool all the way to his last day of kindergarten, Charles loved to ride his tricycle wherever he went. But now that Charles has gotten his first bike, he must learn how to ride it. Will he be tough enough to ride with the big boys in first and second grade?_

_Inspired by the "Rugrats" episode "Uneasy Rider"_

In September of 1963, young Charles Finster was six years old and has just started first grade. Needless to say, he didn't need Drew to start losing his baby teeth. He lost his first tooth all on his own on the very first day of first grade, when he bumped into a bigger kid during recess, causing him to spit out his loose tooth, a bottom front tooth.

A month later, it was clear that Chas was a little behind the other kids in some respects. He was the last kid in his class to successfully tie his shoes and write the number five properly. But his classmates didn't seem to notice all this. In fact, out of all of them, only Drew made fun of him for it, to Chas' own annoyance.

Chas was also the last kid in his class to still be riding a tricycle, and during the weekends, at the Finster residence, he liked to have trike races with Stu, now five years old and still in preschool.

During one race, on a Saturday afternoon, Stu attached his red blanket to a pole to use as a flag for his trike, which was a hand-me-down from Drew.

And Chas said to Stu, "Ah, yes! Your blanket, your trike, my trike. It doesn't get any better than this!"

"You're right, Chas," said Stu. "Checkered flag, here we come!"

But little did either of the boys know that they were being watched by their respective parents. Marvin, Shirley, Lou, and Trixie watched all this with amazement.

"Goodness, Marv!" said Shirley. "Our little Charles is getting too big for his trike. It won't be long before it shatters underneath him."

Marvin squinted at Chas and said to Shirley, "Hm, you got a point there. I just went to a yard sale, where I bought something bigger and better for him as a big surprise."

Presently, Chas stopped his trike and asked, "A surprise? What is it, daddy?"

Marvin chuckled, "If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise! Now, why don't you and Stu come in for some apple juice while we get out your big surprise?"

Chas replied, "Okay, daddy!" Then he called for Stu, "Hey, Stu! Let's have some apple juice!"

Stu stopped his trike and replied, "Okay, Chas!"

And both boys went into the kitchen where Shirley served the two boys some apple juice, whereupon Marvin whispered to Shirley, Lou, and Trixie, "Get the big-boy bike."

In the kitchen, as Chas and Stu were quenching their thirst, Chas said, "You know, Stu, I haven't been so relaxed since my last kindergarten naptime!"

And Stu replied, "I haven't seen you so relaxed _ever_! Are your front teeth loose?"

"No, no, Stu. Actually, yes, but that's besides the point. It's just that my trike is my favorite thing in the whole world. Boy, oh, boy! Do I love my trike! I use it to travel to my favorite ice cream shop whenever my mom gives me some coins. And as you saw, I use it hold trike races with you. Ah, my trike… I don't know where I'd go without it!"

But young Chas would find out soon enough.

Outside the house, Marvin, Shirley, Lou, and Trixie were wheeling in a new bike.

"Yep," said Marvin. "Charles is a tad too old for a trike, so what better vehicle for him than a bike? He can ride it to-morrow after church when we take our boys to the park. What do you think, Shirley?"

"I don't know, Marv," said Shirley. "After all, Charles doesn't know he's getting a bike."

"Well, I thought it might be a nice surprise."

"I wanted to talk to him before switching him from a trike to a strange new bike."

"Shirley, you know he loves surprises. Remember his sixth birthday party?"

"This isn't the same as that. Charles needs to be safe."

"Yeah, yeah, just give him a helmet or something."

In the kitchen, as Chas drank his apple juice, Stu noticed that his own parents were taking Chas' tricycle to the dumpster. He then asked, "Uh, Chas, is your trike the red one with the bell and the horn?"

"Yep, that's the one," Chas replied, heedless of what his parents had bought him to replace his trike. "Why?"

"Well, my parents are taking it to the dumpster. They tell me that all trikes in the dumpster will be made into scrap metal."

"WHAT?!"

Chas was horrified, and he ran to the backyard screaming, "They can't have taken my trike anywhere! Why would anyone take it? You'll see, Stu, it'll be right next to your trike! A nice three-wheeler…"

Once Chas and Stu came to the backyard, they saw Stu's tricycle intact, but there, in place of Chas' own trike, was a big-boy bicycle, with training wheels to boot.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Chas was scared stiff at the loss of his trike, and as Shirley ran to comfort her son, Lou said to Marvin, "Well, I guess Charles found his surprise!"

* * *

And on Sunday afternoon, after they had gone to church, Marvin, Shirley, Lou, and Trixie went to the park with their kids. Shirley had wanted Chas to be safe as he rode his bike, so she had him wear not only a bicycle helmet, but also a padded jacket, a pair of elbow guards, a pair of knee guards, and a pair of gauntlets. Chas might as well have been a medieval knight dressed up for jousting!

As Marvin and Shirley took the bike out for Chas to ride, Shirley said to Marvin, "My, how time flies! Our little muffin man's finally got his first bike!"

Marvin then said to Chas, "I guess this means you're a big boy now, eh, slugger?"

Chas replied nervously, "Uh, I don't know about that, dad."

"Don't worry, Charles," Shirley said reassuringly. "I'm gonna find a nice, soft spot for us to practice. Your father and I will be right back."

"Don't you go nowhere," said Marvin as he and Shirley went away, he to talk to Lou and she to find a grassy lawn.

"See ya, mommy," said Chas. "See ya, daddy."

Soon, Stu rode up to Chas on his trike and said, "Wow, Chas! When did you turn into a big boy?"

"I don't know anymore," moaned Chas. "First my sixth birthday, then my kindergarten graduation, and now _this_! Everything's happening so fast! I'm not sure I even wanna if I'm gonna be different from you!"

"Sure, ya do, Finster!" said a voice. It belonged to Drew Pickles, who rode up to Chas and Stu mounted on a big blue bicycle and wearing a dark blue helmet.

Drew went on to explain: "Bikes are for cool big kids in the numbered grades! Preschoolers have to teeter around in little trikes, but now that you've got two wheels instead of three, you can kiss those dumb preschoolers good-bye!"

And Drew pedaled off.

Soon, Shirley came by and said to Chas, "Okay, my little big boy! Mount the bike…"

And Chas mounted the bike with an uneasy look on his face. "I'm not so sure about this…" he said.

"You'll be fine, Charles. Now here we go!"

And as Chas pedaled along, Shirley was there to guide him and show him how to use the bike.

As for Stu, he just looked on, seated on his trike as Lou and Trixie watched.

"Oh, you're doing great, Charles!" said Shirley. "Whenever you wanna stop, just use the brakes. Move one foot forward and the other back. Got it?"

"Yes, mom," said Chas.

"Now, I'm gonna let go, and you just keep pedaling nice and slow. Okay?"

"Okay!"

And as soon as Shirley let go, Chas continued pedaling, his eyes squeezed shut. But when he saw that he was balanced, that his bike showed no signs of tipping over, he was already enjoying his new bike, and he cried out, "I'm doing it! I'm doing it, mommy!"

"Good job, Charles!" said Shirley. "You're doing it all on your own!" Then, she called for her husband, "Hey, Marvin! Look at him riding!"

Marvin saw Chas and said to Shirley, "Oh, for Pete's sake! That ain't ridin'! No offense, Shirley, but somebody's gonna have to teach our kid to get down and dirty and put the pedal to the metal!"

Presently, Drew passed by in his own bike.

Marvin then shouted, "Hey, Drew! You look like you're quite a whiz on the wheels there, kiddo!"

"Thank you, Mr. Finster," Drew replied.

"Seeing as how you're just Charles' age, I thought you could show him around. You know, teach him what ridin' a bike's all about."

"Will do, Mr. Finster."

Shirley stepped up to Marvin and said, "Oh, gee, Marvin, I don't know. Charles has told me more than a few bad things about Drew and…"

"Ah, boys will be boys, Shirley," Marvin replied. "Besides, Drew's a smart kid. He can handle it."

"Well… Oh, all right. But stay close, Drew."

Then, Shirley turned to Chas and said, "Bye, Charles. Have… fun…"

And Marvin and Shirley sat on a bench to watch Chas and Drew bike together.

"Okay, Finster!" said Drew as he approached Chas. "Seeing as I am the best big boy in first grade, I've been asked to take you 'round!"

"I'm already going around," said Chas. "Once you get the hang of it, bike-riding's fun, perhaps even better than trike-racing!"

"You call ridin' around in circles fun? Why, there's a whole wide world out there, just waitin' to be explored! Look out there, Finster. Whaddya see?"

Chas looked around and said, "Well, I see our classmates on bikes, my mommy and daddy, Stu on a trike, Stu's mommy and daddy, um… and our classmates again…"

At this point, Drew grabbed him by the padded jacket.

"Hey!" cried Chas.

And Drew said, "I'll tell ya what ya see! Adventure! Excitement! And the amazing secrets only first graders like you and I know!"

Presently, a first grader on a bike passed by waving a friendly greeting to Chas and Drew.

Chas was amazed. "Wow!"

"That was a secret wave," said Drew. "You can learn it too, Finster, now that you're a first-grade big-boy biker. Come on! Let's go!"

But Chas looked around nervously and said, "Uh, I don't know, Drew."

He looked at Stu on a trike, and he looked at Drew on a bike. Drew said, "Well?"

Chas sighed, pedaled up to Drew, and said, "It does look kinda neat, but just for a little while, okay?"

And Drew pedaled quickly down the road! This caused Chas to cry out, "Hey! Wait up!"

Stu saw Chas catching up with Drew and said to himself, "Poor Chas. I guess he really doesn't get to be a little kid anymore."

* * *

A little later, Chas and Drew approached a forested area in the park, and Drew said, "Okay. First, we ride through the woods. Come on!"

Chas cried out, "The woods?! Sounds kinda scary!"

But Drew was far ahead of him, laughing as he rode through the crisp autumn leaves. Behind him was Chas, screaming as he rode his own bike down the path. Chas ended up riding over a branch, down a rocky path, and through a mud puddle.

"How do you stop this thing?" he cried, trying to remember what his mother had told him until, finally, he pushed one foot forward and the other foot back, and he stopped—right in front of Drew.

Drew said to Chas, "I thought you'd never get here."

Chas replied, "I'm pretty sure I got here as fast as I could! Drew, I think I've had enough adventures for one day."

"So, ya wanna quit, huh? Well, just answer me one little question: did you get any booboos? Fall off? Crash into a tree? Smash up the bike?"

"No! No! No! No! But…"

"But what?"

"That was _more_ than one question. Four, actually."

"That's not the point! Don't you get it? You got through the woods in one piece. You got guts, Finster."

"I do?"

"Yeah. And now that you're a big kid, I'm gonna take you to the coolest, most special big-kid place for a drink."

And so, his confidence boosted, Chas replied, "Let's go."

* * *

A little later, Drew said to Chas, "There it is, Finster."

And Chas saw it: it was a drinking fountain where a group of first and second graders had congregated to get a refreshing drink of water. Chas was amazed. "Wow!"

And so, Chas and Drew parked their bikes, the former having a more difficult time of it than the latter. For one thing, Chas ran his bike into the bike rack.

Drew snickered and said, "Oh, well. At least you have a cool name to make up for it."

"Yeah, and it's Chas!" said Chas. "Sounds much cooler than Charles."

Drew and Chas approached the six- and seven-year-olds, Drew saying, "Hi, guys."

"Hello, Drew," said a first-grade boy with brown hair. "How's it goin'?"

Drew elbowed Chas, who said, "My name is Chas, and I'm a big boy now!"

"Hi, Chas," said the first and second graders.

"Welcome to the fountains, Chas," said the brown-haired boy. "I'm Marco."

But then, Chas trembled to see a snooty-looking second-grade boy who said, "Looks more like a Crash to me!"

Marco whispered to Chas, "That's Rocky, the meanest kid in second grade."

"So, you're the new kid, huh?" said Rocky. "How about a drink?"

Chas gulped, "Well, okay."

And Chas went up to the drinking fountain with Rocky. But as Chas began to take a drink, Rocky pressed his finger on the opening, squirting him with water. Everyone was shocked to see this, except for Drew, who face-palmed.

Rocky just laughed as Chas angrily cried out, "Hey! What did you do that for?"

"You gonna do something about it?" taunted Rocky.

"Yeah, I think you should say you're sorry!"

"Me? Apologize to a six-year-old like you? Your two front teeth haven't even fallen out!"

"But they're loose! They'll come out any time! And besides, I graduated kindergarten with _cum laude_ honors! I should be a big kid by now!"

"Not yet, Crash! Not 'til you play… the Hill Game."

Now, all the kids gasped with horror at the sound of that.

All Chas could do was stammer, "Well, I… uh… I guess I… I guess I can play that."

"Yeah?" scoffed Rocky. "Then get your bike and meet me at the hill."

And Rocky left as Chas walked towards Drew, muttering nervously, "Drew, where's the hill, and how exactly do you play on it?"

Drew replied, "I'll show ya, Finster. Come on!"

And Drew led Chas to the hill, the other kids swiftly following them…

* * *

Chas and Drew, both mounted on their bikes, were riding up to the hilltop, with the first- and second-grade bikers all behind them.

"First of all, that's the hill," said Drew, pointing up to a big, tall hill that intimidated Chas. "Now, all ya gotta do is go to the top and race down and try to stop just before ya get to the yucky mud. And the kid who goes the longest without stoppin' wins."

"But what if you don't stop?" asked Chas.

"Don't worry, everybody always stops."

"Well… okay. If you think so."

"I know so," Drew replied. "After all, what kind of dumb kid doesn't know how to use the brakes?"

And Chas shuddered as he pushed his bike up to the top of the hill. Maybe he was overly cautious, being accident-prone and all. When he was in nursery school, he had mistaken the finger paints for a fruit salad!

* * *

The first and second graders watched as first-grade Chas and second-grade Rocky were perched on their bikes at the hilltop.

"Ready, Crash?" asked Rocky.

"R-r-r-r-ready," stammered Chas.

And so, both boys started at the same time. Chas was screaming as he pedaled down the hill, but Rocky showed signs of arrogance. As Chas saw the mud puddle, he struggled to remember what his mother had said about how to stop. As Chas continued, his bike out-of-control, Rocky stopped.

The good news is, Chas eventually stopped, right in front of the mud puddle, pushing one pedal one way and the other pedal the other way. The bad news is, he stopped so suddenly he flew off his bike and facedown into the mud.

When Marco and the other biker kids saw this, they all chanted, "Chas! Chas! Chas! Chas!"

As Chas got up out of the mud, he cleaned his glasses, spat out some mud, and out of his mouth and into his hand came two little teeth—his two front teeth!

All of the first and second graders were impressed, but none more so than Rocky, the same kid who had mocked him earlier. Rocky said to Chas, "I gotta hand it to you, Chas. You got guts! Sorry I squirted ya."

Chas gave a small smile.

"Isn't this Finster kid great, everybody?" said Drew.

And Chas cried out in a newly-acquired lisp, "Great?! You guyth thought that wath great?! Well, maybe I didn't think it wath tho great! I've never been tho thcared in my whole, entire life!"

"Yeah, yeah, okay," Drew replied dismissively. "Anyway, let's all go to the fountain!"

"No way, Drew! If I have to do thcary thtuff like that for you guyth, then I might wear dentureth by the time I'm in third grade! I'm going back to my real friend!"

And Chas mounted his shiny red bike and rode off to clean up and get to his real friend, a five-year-old boy whose three-wheeled mount was not quite as remarkable: Stu Pickles.

* * *

And Chas spent the late afternoon riding his bike alongside Stu on his trike, Chas going nice and slow because he knew that Stu's trike wasn't as fast as his bike.

Stu couldn't help but ask, "But how come you're not gonna stay with the first and second graders, Chas?"

Chas replied, "Well, it ith kind of fun to thpend thome time with my clathmateth, but although kinda thcary. Pluth, you have to eat a lot of mud."

"Oh, that's okay, Chas. I'm just glad you're still my friend."

"Me too, Thtu!" said Chas with a toothless smile.

His two front teeth having fallen out, Chas had become a big boy, but at the same time, he was still a child.


	8. Chicken Pox

_Plans for a Saturday playdate with the Pickles brothers are ruined when Charles contracts chicken pox. This gives Drew the opportunity to convince Stu that he's turning into a chicken._

_Based on the "Rugrats" episode "Chicken Pops"_

It was a Saturday morning in January 1964. While Lou and Trixie were driving Stu and Drew to the Finster residence, the two boys were fighting over a pillow that Stu had brought along with his blanket for his naptime.

Lou and Trixie had arranged for their boys to have a playdate with Charles. As soon as they got to the Finsters' house, Lou rang the doorbell.

Marvin opened the door and said, "Ah, these must be the Pickles boys."

"Hello, Mr. Finster, sir," said Drew.

"Hi, Chas' dad," said Stu.

Trixie then said to Stu and Drew, "Now, be good boys for the Finsters."

"And no fighting," added Lou. "Got it, sprouts?"

"Yes, Pop," said Stu and Drew together.

And so, Lou and Trixie got back to their car to return to his repair shop.

As soon as Lou and Trixie were out of sight, and Marvin and Shirley had gone into the kitchen, Stu and Drew continued to fight over the pillow until it tore apart, and all the feathers within it fell out.

"Thanks a lot, Drew!" cried Stu. "You tore up my pillow!"

"I tore it?" asked Drew. "You tore up your own pillow!"

"I did not! You did!"

"No, you!"

"No, you!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

Just then, Shirley came in and said, "Now, now, you two. Stop arguing. We've got some eggs Benedict to make for Charles, and he would really like it if you kept quiet."

After a brief silence, Stu asked, "Where is Chas anyway?"

"He's in bed," Shirley replied with a sad look on her face. "He's got some kind of rash. My poor little muffin man's exhausted. He was up half the night, scratching."

Curious, Stu went up to Chas' room and saw that Chas was indeed scratching. "Wow!" he said. "Chas sure is itching a lot. I wanna go see him." And so, he entered Chas' room.

Meanwhile, Marvin saw that Shirley was worried about Chas. Yet she was saying to herself, "Now, now, I mustn't panic. Now what's causing our little boy's rash?"

Back in Chas' room, Stu approached Chas in his sick bed. He had red spots all over his body. "Hey, Chas," said Stu. "I like your spots."

"Well, I don't," groaned Chas. "They're really itchy!"

"You've got 'em on your hands, and on your arms, and on your neck, and on your face!"

"That'th not the only plathe I've got 'em."

"Where else are they, Chas?"

"They're everywhere!"

"Wow! Can I see?"

"No!" cried Chas as he covered the bottom portion of himself with his bedsheets. "But you can thcratch my back."

And so, as Chas flipped himself onto his belly, Stu scratched his back, to Chas' undying relief.

Presently, Marvin and Shirley entered Chas' room, whereupon Marvin said to Shirley, "A-ha! There's his problem! Charles' got himself a case of the chicken pox!"

"Chicken pox!" cried Shirley. Then she saw Stu and asked him, "What on earth are you doing here!?"

"Scratchin' Chas' back," Stu replied.

Horrified, Shirley grabbed Stu by the hand and said, "Get out of here!"

But Marvin said to Shirley, "Probably just as well, Shirley. Now, Stu can get it too and be done with it."

"Oh, I don't know, Marvin," Shirley replied. "Exposing another child to chicken pox? I'm going to call the doctor first."

"Okay, Shirley, but when I was Chas' age, my ma exposed us to everything."

And as Chas saw his parents leave the room with Stu, the poor red-headed boy heaved a sad sigh and said to himself, "Gueth that meanth no playdate…"

Presently, Shirley entered the room to rub some sticky calamine lotion into Chas' skin. "Hold still, Charles," she said.

"Chicken pockth ithn't any fun…" moaned Chas.

"I know, but this'll make it better. Now try to sleep." And with that Shirley, placed some oven mitts on Chas' hands and said quietly, "I'm sorry, Charles. I hate to do this, but I gotta keep you from scratching."

And so, as Shirley left the room, Chas closed his eyes and fell asleep.

* * *

Once Shirley had gone into the kitchen, Drew was placing the feathers into the broken pillow when Stu approached him. "What are you doing here?" asked Drew.

Stu said, "Chas must stay in his room because he has the chicken pox."

"Chicken pox, you say?"

And as Drew took the pillow full of feathers upstairs, he overheard Marvin say to Shirley, "I'm telling ya, Shirley. We had a regular disease of the week. One week it was the mumps, the next it was the flu. Scarlet fever, diphtheria, measles, I got 'em all."

Once Drew went back downstairs, Stu approached him and asked, "Hey, Drew. What's chicken pox?"

Drew replied, "Stu, it's time you knew. Chicken pox is what turns kids like us into chickens! That's why Finster has to stay in his room. His mommy and daddy are afraid that when he turns into a chicken, he'll get eaten by a cat!"

But at five years old, Stu knew better than to believe Drew by now. "You're makin' that up, Drew!" he cried.

"Fine. Don't believe me, but don't come cryin' to me when your little friend is a little Gallic rooster."

"I'll go see for myself."

And Stu went upstairs with Drew.

* * *

In his bedroom, Chas suddenly woke up to try to scratch himself, but instead, he rolled over onto the pile of feathers Drew had left. As a result, he was covered in feathers from head to toe.

As soon as Stu entered the room, he couldn't believe his eyes.

For that matter, neither could Drew, who said to himself, "This is too good to be true."

Then Drew turned to Stu and said, "It doesn't happen to many kids, but when it does, it's so sad."

"No way," said Stu. "Just because Chas grew wings and is flappin' around doesn't mean he's turning into a chicken."

"Maybe next time I tell ya someone's turning into a chicken, you'll believe me!"

As Drew left, Stu watched. Chas made those jerky movements resembling a chicken feeding off the ground, which convinced Stu that Chas was indeed turning into a chicken.

"Then I gotta help Chas," said Stu.

And so, Stu went down to the kitchen, fetched some corn kernels, and went back up to Chas' room, where he saw the red-haired boy flapping about.

"It's worse than I thought," he said to himself. "I've known Chas. I've played with him for longer than I can remember. And if Chas is turning into a chicken, he's gonna be really scared. So, I'd better not say anything to upset him."

Then, Stu approached Chas, who said, "Hey, Thtu."

"Hi, Chick… I mean, Chas," said Stu. "What's new?"

"Well, I'm all itchy, and I've got thethe thingth on my armth."

"You mean, wings?"

"What?"

"I brought you a snack," said Stu as he showed Chas the corn kernels he had taken earlier.

Unable to grab the kernels with his hands, Chas bent down and ate them from Stu's hand, and he said, "Mm, that'th crunchy! What ith that?"

"Dry corn kernels," said Stu. "Do you like it?"

"_Dry_ corn?!" cried Chas, and he spat out the corn. "Hey! What'th going on, Thtu?! Firtht, you call me 'Chick,' then you thay I've got wingth, and then you make me eat dry corn like a bird!"

"Then he doesn't know," Stu said to himself.

Overhearing this, Chas became angry and said, "Maybe I don't wanna know!"

But Stu said it anyway, "Chas, I just want you to know that no matter what happens, I'll always play with you and even share my toys."

"Now I know I don't wanna know!"

"Try to be brave, Chas. Maybe you didn't notice, but you're covered in feathers, and you've got wings. You just ate corn out of my hand, so you're turning into a chicken."

Chas was shocked. "A chicken! Oh, great! That'th jutht great! It all maketh thenthe now! After a lifetime of acting like a chicken, I'm finally turning _into_ one! That'th it! If I'm gonna turn into a chicken, then from now on, I'm gonna be a brave chicken, not a chicken chicken!"

"Attaboy, Chas!"

And with that, Stu and Chas left the bedroom and entered the backyard.

* * *

"Here we are!" cried Stu. "The backyard!"

"That'th barnyard to uth chickenth," Chas replied, and he squawked like a chicken.

"Okay, Chas, if you're gonna be a chicken, the first thing you'll have to do is learn how to eat worms." And Stu grabbed an earthworm from the ground and showed it to Chas.

Disgusted, Chas whacked the worm out of Stu's hand. "I don't know, Thtu," he said. "Maybe thith ithn't thuch a good idea. I don't think I'm ready for real wormth jutht yet."

* * *

Later, Chas began flapping his "wings" and making chicken noises.

"Flap harder, Chas," cried Stu. "Flap harder!"

But soon, Chas fell into the sandbox.

"Not bad for a first try," said Stu.

* * *

Later still, Stu was teaching Chas how to do the chicken walk.

"Easy, Chas," said Stu. "A little bit at a time. Step, flap, cluck. Step, flap, cluck."

And as Chas did the chicken walk, he said, "Thtep, flap…" before making a chicken noise. This he did over and over.

"Hey! I think I'm thtarting to get the hang of it!" cried Chas, and he started to cluck with joy.

Presently, as Stu jumped up with joy and cheered for Chas, he suddenly felt an itchy sensation, and he stopped jumping to scratch himself.

"That's funny," he said to himself. "I'm getting itchy…"

Chas quickly noticed, and he said to Stu, "Hey! That'th how it thtarted with me! Firtht, I got all itchy, and then I thtarted getting little red bumpth, and the necktht thing I knew I wath turning into a chicken."

Upon seeing the spots on Stu's face, Chas cried, "Then you're turning into a chicken too! Ithn't it great?!"

But then, poor Stu burst into tears. "Chicken pox!" he cried.

"Hey, why are you crying?" asked Chas. "Now we can both be chickenth together!"

But Stu bawled, "I don't wanna be a chicken!"

"Don't worry, Thtu. Bein' a chicken'th not tho bad. Jutht look at me!" Chas clucked.

Then, Stu stopped crying and looked at Chas.

Presently, Drew approached Stu and gloated, "So, now my kid brother's got the chicken pox! You know, Stu, I hear mom's plannin' to cook up some chicken for pop's supper! I'll bet you'll be delicious!"

That made Stu cry even harder.

Chas was furious at Drew, and he clucked, "Thtop it, Drew! Your father would never eat uth even if we are chickenth! Tho what if your brother and I are chickenth! We're both gonna be chickenth together! And we'll build nethtth and lay eggth and eat bird food and do all thothe other thingth that chickenth do! We're chickenth, and we're proud!"

And as Chas clucked at Drew, he developed a cockscomb, to Drew's own horror. And Drew ran off screaming, "You chickens are crazy!"

Stu came to admire Chas for standing up to Drew, and he said, "Boy, Chas, you're the bravest chicken I ever saw!"

"I am?" asked Chas.

"Sure you are. Now, let's go back inside."

And as Stu and Chas went back into the Finster house, they overheard Marvin and Shirley conversing with a doctor. Stu's parents, Lou and Trixie, had returned too.

"The chicken pox? Oh, yes, it's going around," said the doctor. "Half the kids of your son's first-grade class have it."

"Then, why don't we go take a look at him?" asked Marvin.

And Marvin, Shirley, Lou, Trixie, and the doctor went to Chas' room, only to find, to their alarm, that his bed was empty.

Soon, the concerned grown-ups heard some chicken noises.

"What is this, a barn?" asked Lou, and they went downstairs to find Stu and Chas both with chicken pox.

"Oh, no!" cried Lou. "Trixie, it looks like our son got himself a case of the chicken pox, too!"

"I wouldn't worry about it if I were you," said the doctor reassuringly. "Your boys are better off getting it while they're young. It's a lot worse in adults, especially for men."

"But that doesn't explain why my son and Marvin and Shirley's son are acting like chickens!" cried Trixie.

"Why don't we ask them?" said Shirley to Lou, Trixie, and Marvin.

And so, Marvin bent down on one knee and asked, "Now, Charles, why are you making all that racket?"

Chas said, "Becauthe we're turning into chickenth."

Stu replied with a cluck.

At this point, Lou, Trixie, Marvin, Shirley, and the doctor all laughed together.

"What's so funny, pop?" asked Stu.

Lou then said to the doctor, "It's time they knew."

The doctor then said, "Chicken pox doesn't cause you to become chickens."

"So we're not turning into chickens?" asked Stu.

The doctor laughed, "Of course not. Chicken pox is just something that makes you itchy for a few days."

"Oh," Stu and Chas said together.

Chas then turned to Stu and said, "Ya know what, Thtu? I'm kinda thorry we're not turning into chickenth."

"How come, Chas?" asked Stu.

"Becauthe I wath braver ath a chicken than I ever wath ath a kid!"

"That's okay, Chas. I'll always think of you as a chicken."

Chas chuckled, "Thankth, Thtu!"

And so, Lou picked up Stu and Drew and said to them, "Well, boys, it's time for you to go home."

And he and Trixie took them to his car to drive them home.

"Bye, Lou!" said Marvin.

"Bye, Trixie!" said Shirley.

"Bye, Thtu! Bye, Drew!" said Chas.

Inside the car, Drew said to himself, "Well, he was gonna find out sooner or later that chicken pox doesn't really turn you into a chicken."

Suddenly, Stu noticed that Drew was breaking out in spots. "Drew…" he said.

But Drew ignored him and said to himself, "Oh, well. It was fun while it lasted."

"Drew…"

"I should do that with every kid who develops chicken pox."

"Drew!"

Finally, as Drew scratched himself, he turned to Stu and snapped, "What is it?"

"You got spots," said Stu.

"I got what?" And as Drew looked at himself in the mirror, he screamed, "I'm turning into a chicken!"

The chicken pox was a sorrow for young Charles Finster, but he, Stu, and Drew would soon make a quick recovery and return to classes, Chas and Drew to first grade, and Stu to preschool.


	9. Drew's Last Stand

_Let's go forward a few years. In the summer before fourth grade, Charles is now nine years old. Besides Stu, Charles has befriended other kids like Didi and Betty. Tired of all the hard work involved in selling lemonade all by himself, Drew hires Charles, Stu, Didi, and Betty to do it for him. But when the others want a percentage of the dimes he has made from all their customers, Drew doesn't want to give up any of the money. Charles and Betty convince the others to start a picket line to demand their fair share._

_I imagine that Charles Finster Sr. sounded like Gus from "Recess" when he was a child, but I also imagine that Child!Betty sounded like Phil, Child!Didi sounded like Lil, and Child!Charlotte sounded like Helga from "Hey Arnold." And Child!Jonathan sounded like Harold from "Hey Arnold."_

_Inspired by the "Rugrats" episode "Angelica's Last Stand"_

Let's fast-forward through Chas' second- and third-grade years. In the summer of 1966, Chas Finster was nine years old. Drew Pickles was also nine, and his little brother Stu was seven-and-three-quarters.

By this point, most of Chas and Drew's baby teeth had fallen out, only to be replaced by much more durable permanent teeth, which would last them well into adulthood. Ever since they won their battle with chicken pox in first grade, Chas and Drew would fight other battles, such as measles, mumps, rubella (in that order), and that seasonal foe, the flu! And in all those battles, they would emerge triumphant.

Over the past two years, Stu's first two years in elementary school, Chas and Stu had befriended a number of other kids, including Betty Giselle (a tomboy whom Stu had first met when they were in kindergarten), Charlotte McSell (whom Drew had already taken a fancy for and who, during recess, had always been seen bossing around an older kid, a dark-skinned blond named Jonathan Kraskell, during her pretend tea parties), Howard DeVille (Charlotte's shy and effeminate classmate), and the youngest, Didi Kropotkin (a little girl who had an unusual triforce haircut and who, at six-and-a-half years old, had just graduated kindergarten).

By July of 1966, Chas and Stu had clearly made friends with Didi and Betty. Didi, in particular, came to view Chas as an older brother, just as Stu viewed Chas as the older brother he wished he had instead of Drew. Chas in turn nurtured Stu and Didi as his younger siblings, which was a big deal for him, since he was an only child, and Didi's only sibling was a younger brother, a four-year-old named Benjamin.

During this time, Drew began running his lemonade stand by his house, selling lemonade both to kids and to adults at ten cents a cup. Among his best customers were Marvin and Shirley Finster, Lou and Trixie Pickles, and, of course, Charlotte McSell.

Here's where we come to that fateful day…

It started when Marvin, having worked up quite a sweat with his son, went along with Chas to Drew's lemonade stand to quench his thirst.

When Drew made Marvin a glass of lemonade, Marvin said to Drew, "Well, then, keeper! That's ten cents. Keep the change."

Once he accepted Marvin's dime, Drew replied, "Thank you, Mr. Finster."

Upon seeing this, Lou approached Marvin, who was drinking his lemonade, and said, "Hello, Marv. How's it going?"

"Oh, pretty good," Marvin replied. "Shirley may go easy on our boy, but lucky for him, he has me to make him a man! At the crack of dawn to-day, Charles and I ran up and down the hill several times! I even taught him that the best way to deal with a bully is to stand up to him." He then turned to Chas and asked, "How do you feel now that it's all over?"

Chas panted, "Tired!" And he asked Drew, "Drew, can I have a lemonade too?"

Drew replied, "Ten cents, please."

So, Chas took a dime out of his pocket and paid Drew for a lemonade.

As Chas drank his lemonade to refresh himself, his father said to him, "Why don't you go play out on the lawn with Stu, son? And don't bother Drew. He's working very hard."

Then he shouted to Lou, "Hey, Lou! Wanna go to the swimming pool to have some fun?!"

Lou smiled and cried out, "Do I?!"

And Marvin and Lou got into their bathing suits, each of which covered its wearer's chest and legs, and rushed for Lou's car, so Lou could drive himself and Marvin to the public swimming pool.

Presently, Stu approached Chas and began to run around in the lawn. They were soon accompanied by Didi and Betty.

Stu, Didi, and Betty watched Drew at work, and Betty couldn't help but ask, "What's Drew doing, Didi?"

"I don't know, Betty," Didi replied. "But Charles' dad says he's working very hard."

"Maybe he wants money to buy a cool new big-kid toy."

"Maybe he wants to buy an airplane."

"Or maybe," Stu added, "last night, while we were sleepin', the whole world got turned upside-down, and now the grown-ups play all day in the public swimming pool, while the kids go to work."

"How do you know, Stu?" asked Betty.

Stu replied, "I saw my dad and Chas' dad dress up in swimsuits and go to the swimming pool."

Finally, Chas, who had been following his friends' conversations, said, "It's a lemonade stand!"

Stu, Didi, and Betty stopped talking when they heard what Chas had said. Then, Stu asked, "But why is Drew running a lemonade stand?"

Drew, overhearing this, got a sinister idea, and he said to the other four kids, "I'll tell ya why. I'm doin' this 'cause it's the funnest thing in the whole world!" Yet Drew was having a difficult time of it squeezing the lemons.

Betty asked, "More fun that playing in the mud?"

"Or having tea parties?" asked Didi.

"Oh, yeah," said Drew. "This is something you little kids can't appreciate, so I'm gonna have all this fun all by myself! You can't play Lemonade, no matter how much you beg me."

But Stu, Didi, and Betty begged Drew, "Please, let us play. Please."

"Well…" said Drew. "Okay."

And Stu, Didi, and Betty cheered.

"I don't know, guys," sighed Chas. "Maybe this isn't such a good idea."

"Look, Finster, have I ever lied to you or your friends?" asked Drew.

Chas replied, "Well, there was that time you told me that I would lose my library card forever if I damaged a library book, and the time you told Stu I was turning into a chicken, and the time you told Betty that her parents loved her big brother Freddie more than her, and…"

"Time to play lemonade, okay?"

* * *

And so, the kids got to work. Didi gathered the lemons, Chas juiced the lemons, Betty added the sugar, and Stu added the icy water. All while Drew oversaw all the work.

As Drew handed a cup of lemonade to a mailman, he said, "That'll be ten cents, please." And when the mailman paid him a dime, Drew said, "Thank you. Come again."

And the mailman went back to his work.

Presently, who should show up but Charlotte McSell and Jonathan Kraskell. Charlotte was having a conversation with Jonathan: "Look, Jonathan, I don't care if you've already graduated sixth grade. I'm still your boss."

"Yes, Miss McSell," said Jonathan meekly.

It was then when Charlotte saw Drew, gazed into his eyes, and said, "Hello, Drew."

"Hello, Charlotte," said Drew. "One lemonade coming right up."

And the process was the same as before: Didi gathered the lemons, Chas juiced the lemons, Betty added the sugar, and Stu added the icy water. Finally, Drew handed the lemonade over to Charlotte, who paid Drew with a dime and drank up the lemonade.

Then, Jonathan asked Drew, "Um, how about one for me? This time, no ice, please."

Drew replied, "A tall order for a tall kid like yourself." Then, Drew barked orders to the other kids, "Finster! Pickles! Giselle! Kropotkin! Need another tall and tart! Hold the ice!"

And as soon as the non-icy lemonade was prepped up, Drew handed Jonathan the cup of lemonade in exchange for a dime, and Jonathan drank up the lemonade.

As soon as Charlotte and Jonathan left, Drew began to count how much money he had made by counting his dimes: "10… 20… 30… 40…"

Meanwhile, Stu was holding the rapidly melting ice. Chas approached him and asked, "Gee, Stu. How long do you have to hold the ice?"

"I don't know," Stu replied.

Then, Didi licked one of the lemons, which made her lips pucker up. "The lemons make my mouth pucker!" she cried.

And Drew continued counting: "A dollar-30… a dollar-40…"

Upon overhearing how much money his brother had made, Stu said to Chas, Didi, and Betty, "You know, I've been watching Drew, and he's got lots of dimes in that cup."

"You're right, Stu," said Chas.

"He sure does," added Didi.

And Betty said, "You know, Didi, when Stu and I was in first grade, we learned that a dime is worth ten cents, so with that many dimes in his cup, Drew must be really rich!"

"You're right, Betty."

"I want some dimes!"

"Me too!"

"You think he's gonna share with us?" asked Chas.

Stu replied, "Sure, Chas. We're all playing lemonade together. It wouldn't be fair if he didn't."

"Why don't you ask him?" asked Didi.

"All right, Deed, I will."

As Stu approached his older brother, Drew finished counting: "2 dollars-60… 2 dollars-70… 2 dollars-80! Great!"

"Drew?" asked Stu.

"Aw, what do you want, Stu?" asked Drew in annoyance.

Stu replied, "Uh, Drew, we've been playing lemonade for hours now, so I was just thinking if you're gonna share those dimes with us."

But by the age of nine, Drew had become so smart that he thought up a lie: "Well, gee, little kids, I was going to share these dimes with you, if you really want me to, but, see, I was planning to…"

At this point, Drew began to cry, but he wasn't really crying as he sobbed, "I was planning to give these dimes to the poor! Yeah, that's it! I'm gonna give my dimes to the poor! You gotta help 'em!"

Stu replied, "Well, of course we'll help the poor, Drew. That's what Mom and Dad told us to do. That's what our Sunday school teacher told us to do. What about you, guys?"

Chas said hesitatingly, "Well, we should help the poor, yes, but somehow, I don't think Drew's telling the truth."

"Yeah, me neither," added Betty.

"Oh, come on," said Drew. "It's for a good cause."

And so, Stu, Chas, and Betty agreed wholeheartedly, although Didi could only gaze at Drew and wonder how all the others were being fooled by his scam…

* * *

Eventually, Drew included a bike-in service for his lemonade stand. Whenever a kid on a bike showed up, he would use Drew's tin-can intercom system.

Drew would say, "Welcome to LemonDrew's! How may I help you?"

The kid would say, "One lemonade, please."

And Drew would reply, "Thank you, that's ten cents. Please pull up to the window."

Then Drew would shout to Chas, Stu, Betty, and Didi, "One lemonade!"

It was the same as usual: Didi gathered the lemons, Chas juiced the lemons, Betty added the sugar, and Stu added the icy water.

It went on ad nauseam, and Stu groaned, "I'm gettin' tired of these lemons."

"Me too," panted Chas. "Some of their juice got on my glasses, they sting the cut on my finger, and the juicer is making my hands sore."

"I see what you mean," sighed Betty.

"Yeah," agreed Didi. "Especially since Drew is scamming us."

"Wait, he's scamming us?" asked Chas with surprise.

"Yeah! He's not really going to give his money to the poor! He's just trying to get out of sharing his money with us!"

Chas, Stu, and Betty gasped.

"Then, what should we do?" asked Stu.

Chas replied, "Well, I wouldn't wanna squeeze lemons for a liar!"

It was then when Betty got an idea: "Chas! That's it!"

Then, she gathered Stu, Didi, and Chas around her and said to them, "Someone's gotta go tell Drew to share his dimes, or we'll all rebel against his tyranny!"

"But who's that someone gotta be?" asked Stu.

Presently, Stu, Didi, and Betty all glanced at Chas, who, dumbfounded, asked, "What's the matter? Why are you all looking at me like that?"

"Don't ya see?" said Betty. "You, Chas, are the leader!"

Chas replied, "Then I nominate Stu to talk to Drew."

Surprised, Stu said, "Well… I guess this is it. I'm gonna go over there and talk to Drew."

And so, Stu approached Drew and asked, "Uh, Drew?"

"Huh?" asked Drew as he turned around and saw his little brother.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Talk? Ya wanna talk? Let's talk about where my lemonades are!"

"But we want some of the dimes."

"No dimes! Now get your second-grade bottom back there and work, work, work!"

"But…"

"Goats butt! You get back there or suffer the consequences!"

And so, Stu bowed his head despondently and went back to the others.

Seeing this, Chas decided to go out there and start the rebellion.

"Shame on you, Drew!" cried Chas. "We have had it with your tyranny! It's just not fair! We want dimes!"

"We want dimes!" said Drew mockingly.

With that, Betty drew a dime on a piece of cardstock and gave it to Chas, who declared, "We want dimes! We want dimes!"

And Stu, Didi, and Betty also shouted, "We want dimes! We want dimes! We want dimes!"

Chas shouted in a defiant tone, "I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me dimes or give me death!"

With that, Drew bore his fist with a grimace on his face. But before Drew could beat up Chas, he was soon overpowered by not only Chas, but also Stu, Didi, and Betty.

"Oh, boy," muttered Drew as the other kids tied him up to his chair, tore his lemonade sign from his stand, and tossed his dimes at him.

"Your power trip is over, Drew!" cried Stu.

"Admit it, Drew," said Chas. "You get a sick thrill out of bossing us around and not paying us."

"Why, you greedy little…" Drew was about to call them "rebels," but then, he got another idea. He said to the kids, "You think I _enjoy_ this? Unfortunately, I'm the only one who can keep you dumb little kids in line. It's not like any of you could do it."

But Betty begged to differ. "On the contrary, Chas and I could."

"Betty's right," said Chas in agreement with Betty.

"Finster in charge?" Drew chuckled condescendingly. "He couldn't lead a cat to the litter box. Ha! And I'm not just saying that 'cause he's allergic to cats! Finster, with you in charge, Pickles, Kropotkin, and Giselle will walk all over you until ya come cryin' to me, beggin' me to take back power and surrendering what pitiful few dimes you have made to me, if ya even make that many dimes! You won't last five minutes!"

"Challenge accepted," said Chas in an awesome tone of voice as he untied Drew and allowed him to pick up his dimes before leading Stu, Didi, and Betty to his own house to run his and Betty's own lemonade stand.

* * *

The next day, Drew was in the living room of his house, waiting for Chas to come groveling to him, saying to himself, "I saw it in a TV show once. The workers are so fed up with the boss' rules that they overthrow him and elect one of their own as their new boss. Then they walk all over the new boss until he begs the old boss to return. I'll bet it'll be the same for Finster. Yes, he'll come cryin' to me any second now…"

But several hours later, Drew was still waiting for Chas. "Why am I still waiting?" he cried out impatiently.

It was then when Lou entered the living room and said, "Whatever are you waiting for?"

Drew asked, "Pop, could you and mom take me to the Finster residence where there's a lemonade stand?"

Lou replied, "Of course, Drew. Of course. You'll get to see young Charles again."

"Or at least what's left of him," Drew muttered smugly to himself.

* * *

But once Lou and Trixie dropped Drew off at the Finster residence, Drew saw that Chas and Betty were not only running their own lemonade stand, but also having a pleasant time of it. And within five hours, Chas, Betty, Stu, and Didi had made five dollars, so they made more money through democracy and mutual respect of each other's rights and feelings than Drew had ever made through tyranny and selfish greed.

"Chas, I need another lemonade," said Stu.

Chas turned to Betty and said, "Betty, I need another cookie."

Then, Betty cried out, "Holy Hannah! Is it just me or is another one of my teeth about to come out?"

"You're about to lose another tooth, Betty," said Chas.

Betty replied, "Look, Chas, just because one of my teeth is a little loose doesn't mean I… Whoa! Incoming!"

And she spat out her loose tooth, which hit Stu in the face and fell into his hand.

"Ya know, Stu," said Betty as she picked up her tooth, "at the rate I'm losin' my baby teeth it's a wonder I'm not wearin' dentures like my pop-pop!"

Stu replied, "And at the rate you're spitting them out, it's a wonder I'm not wearing an eyepatch like _my_ pop-pop."

And Chas, Betty, Stu, and Didi all laughed together.

When Drew saw all this, he realized that he hadn't really kept the younger kids in line, that he had only bossed them around for the sake of bossing them around. This made Drew feel terrible about himself.

Presently, he heard Chas say, without any hard feelings, "Hey, Drew. Wanna lemonade?"

"I guess so," Drew replied.

And Chas handed him a cup of lemonade, saying, "Here you go."

"Thanks," said Drew as he was about to pay for the lemonade with one of his own dimes.

But Chas replied, "Hey, this one's on me."

"And this one's on Betty!" shouted Didi as she poured a cup of her own lemonade on Betty, who laughed out loud.

"Well, thanks, anyway," said Drew sadly as he was about to return home.

But Chas said, "Hey, Drew! Wanna play lemonade with us?"

Drew smiled, and he asked, "You want me to play, after how I treated you and your friends?"

"Yeah," Betty replied. "We all do!"

"Whoa! Can I be the boss?"

Chas answered, "Actually, Betty and I are the bosses, in theory anyway."

"But in practice," added Betty, "we _all_ do all the work, we all eat all the cookies, and we all get all the dimes!"

"How much have you guys made anyway?" asked Drew.

"Five bucks."

"So, using my third-grade division skills, I can see that five dollars parted among you four would make a dollar and 25 cents each, but if you were to include me, we'd each get a dollar in dimes! Great!"

Presently, as Chas tried to retrieve a cookie, he tripped over a crate and accidentally flung a cup of lemonade onto Drew's head.

At first, Drew seemed to be fuming. "Guess you know what this means!" he snarled as Chas looked up and gulped.

Drew added with a smile that was not quite so mean, "That one's on me, but this one's on Finster!"

And he and Chas laughed together as the brown-haired boy chased the red-haired boy with his glass of lemonade.

For the rest of the summer, Chas and Betty were to sell lemonades to kids and adults all over the neighborhood, and through mutual collaboration and respect for their co-workers, they, along with Stu, Drew, and Didi, made fifty dollars in dimes (that's ten dollars for each of the five kids) by the beginning of the next school year. The money they had made in the summer would serve them well, Chas and Drew in fourth grade, Stu and Betty in second grade, and Didi in first grade.


	10. The New Kid

_Not long after Charles and Drew's first day of fourth grade, Melinda Cavanaugh moves into town with her widowed father, and she and Charles become fast friends, and she soon befriends Stu, Didi, Charlotte, and Betty too. However, Drew doesn't like new kids, so he tries to make her become ostracized._

_Here's the recap on how the Rugrats' parents may have sounded like as children: kid!Chas sounded like Gus from "Recess," kid!Stu sounded like Tommy, kid!Drew sounded like Spinelli from "Recess," kid!Betty sounded like Phil, kid!Didi sounded like Lil, kid!Charlotte sounded like Helga from "Hey Arnold," kid!Howard sounded like Sid from "Hey Arnold," and kid!Melinda sounded like Cornchip Girl from "Recess."_

_And of course, Chas and Drew's fourth-grade teacher would sound like Tony Jay._

_Inspired by the "Rugrats" episode "Meet the Carmichaels" and the "Recess" episode "The New Kid"_

It was September 1966. For Chas and Drew, the fourth grade had begun about a week before.

On Saturday afternoon, Chas was working on his math homework after a morning of watching cartoons on the TV when he looked outside his window and noticed someone hammering a SOLD label over the FOR SALE sign. Curious, he went to his mother in the living room and asked her, "What's going on, Mom?"

Shirley replied, "It looks like the Cavanaughs have moved in."

"The Cavanaughs?" asked Chas.

"Yep," said Marvin. "A widowed father and his daughter, who, if I'm correct, might just be your age."

"Widowed father?"

"Yep, they say his wife passed on just before the move."

"And does the daughter know about it?"

"No," Shirley replied. "And it's best that she doesn't know until she's older, so please don't tell her when you meet her."

Chas replied, "My lips are sealed, Mom."

Shirley then turned to Marvin and said, "Why don't we go over and say hello to the new neighbors, Marv?"

"I don't see why not," Marvin replied.

And so, Marvin, Shirley, and Chas decided to visit the Cavanaughs, with Shirley bringing a Jell-O mold as a housewarming present.

"But I don't know about the Jell-O thing, Shirley," said Marvin.

Shirley replied, "Marv, it's a tradition. You always give Jell-O molds to the new neighbors."

Marvin, Shirley, and Chas entered the house. Upon seeing the interior of the house, Chas couldn't refrain himself from saying, "Some digs they've got here!"

Soon, Mr. Cavanaugh saw the Finsters and said, "Hello. I'm Christopher Cavanaugh. Who might you be?"

Marvin replied, "We're the Finsters from across the street. I'm Marvin, and this is my wife Shirley and our son Charles."

Chas waved meekly at Christopher, who asked, "How old is this boy?"

"He's only nine years old," Shirley replied. "And he's just started fourth grade."

Delighted, Christopher said, "Wonderful! I myself have a daughter who's just turned Charles' age! Her name is Melinda. I'll show her to you"

And he called out, "Oh, Melinda!"

Melinda Cavanaugh. What a pretty name! And as she ran downstairs to see her father and the Finsters, Chas saw how pretty she was in person. And she also had a pretty voice as she spoke to him, "Hey, kid. My name's Melinda. What's yours?"

"I'm Charles, but friends call me Chas," Chas replied meekly.

"Hi, Charles," cried Melinda with delight as she shook his hand rapidly. "Want me to show you our new house? It's not exactly the farm I grew up in, but come on."

And Melinda showed Chas the living room: "This is our living room. The movers came to our farm, and they moved the whole thing over her to our city house."

"Really? Wow!" said Chas in amazement.

Melinda then took Chas to the den: "And this is the den. They brought it from the farm too."

"Even the floor?"

"Even the floor."

"Wow! You sure have a fun house, Melinda."

"Yeah, but you haven't seen the best room of all: my room!" And as Melinda showed Chas her bedroom, she said to him, "It's got my bed, my toybox, my old rocking horse, a window where I can see the backyard from, and my prized possession, a sock monkey that my mommy made me for my first birthday. By the way, my mommy's in the hospital, but I don't know why she couldn't come with Daddy and me."

Chas was upset. He had promised his parents not to tell Melinda the truth, and besides, he didn't have the heart to do so, because he liked her too much…

* * *

It was on September 16 of that year when, during class at Third Street School, Chas and Drew and all their classmates were introduced to Melinda. Their fourth-grade teacher spoke to them in his deep, powerful voice, "Boys and girls, I'd like you to meet your new classmate: Melinda Cavanaugh."

"Hello, Melinda," said the fourth graders quietly.

"Hello," said Melinda with a big grin. "My name is Melinda. I grew up on a farm for the first nine years of my life."

The fourth-grade teacher said, "Melinda would like to make friends with you, so be nice to her."

As Melinda sat down, all of her classmates stared at her with confused expressions on their faces, but Melinda was already excited in her anticipation to make new friends.

Meanwhile, Drew just glared at Melinda with a mean look in his eye.

* * *

During recess, Chas' friends were playing around. Stu Pickles, Drew's younger brother, was in second grade. Didi Kropotkin was in first grade. Howard DeVille and Charlotte McSell were in third grade, and Betty Giselle, like Stu, was also in second grade and, her two front teeth having grown in to replace her baby teeth, she was missing a tooth on either end of them.

As Stu and Drew were looking at blades of grass through a magnifying glass, Charlotte sighed, "I'm bored of standing around here. Why don't we have a tea party?"

"Pass…" said Betty as she rolled her eyes.

"Actually, I wouldn't mind," Howard said.

"Uh-oh! Here comes Finster with the new kid!" said Drew as he pointed to Chas and Melinda.

Chas led Melinda to his friends and said to her, "Melinda, these are my friends: Stu, Drew, Didi, Charlotte, Howard, and Betty. Guys, this is Melinda."

"Hey guys," said Melinda in a heartbeat.

"Hi, Melinda," said Stu, Didi, Charlotte, Howard, and Betty.

"So how old are you, Melinda?" asked Didi.

"I'm nine years old," Melinda answered.

But Drew cried, "What are you doing, Finster?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Chas.

"You know the rules! You're not even supposed to talk to her kind for at least 48 hours!"

"_Her_ kind?" said Chas indignantly. "I don't remember reading that in the rules."

"Well, that's what would be in the rules if I were in charge of them."

"But the teacher said we're supposed to be nice to Melinda."

"Melinda? Melinda who?" asked Drew, who pretended not to know that she had a name.

Chas growled, "Melinda Cavanaugh. You should know that!"

"You know, guys," said Melinda to Chas and the others. "I like the fall season."

"What are you talkin' about? We're in school," said Betty as she looked at Melinda.

"I know, but fall is my favorite time of the year: jumping in the leaves, carving pumpkins, Thanksgiving dinner…"

"She has a point, Drew," said Stu.

But as Melinda smiled and everyone else gathered around her, Drew again glared at her. "How dare those idiots surround New Kid?" he thought. "But I'll show 'em…"

* * *

The next morning, Charles, Drew, and Melinda were in the classroom as the teacher gave roll call in alphabetical order: "William Baker?"

"Here," said William.

"Megan Bell?"

"Here," said Megan.

"Melinda Cavanaugh?"

"Here," said Melinda.

"You mean, New Kid!" chortled Drew out loud.

This drew the ire of the teacher who shouted, "Andrew Pickles! I told you to be _nice_ to Melinda, now shape up! Also, you're not the next pupil on the list!"

Drew crossed his arms and sulked on his seat as the teacher continued his roll call: "Ralph Emerson?"

"Here," said Ralph.

"Gordy Fawn?"

"Here," said Gordy.

"Charles Finster?"

"Here," sighed Chas.

* * *

During recess, Chas and Melinda were running towards the jungle gym with Stu, Didi, Charlotte, Howard, and Betty, so that they all could play on it.

But little did they know that Drew was watching them from a bush at a distance.

"Look at those fools," he said to himself. "They think they're so smart, thinking that playing with New Kid is a good idea. Well, what do they know? I'm gonna humiliate this new kid like never before!"

He then poured a bucket full of water onto some dirt and mixed it into a mud puddle. "There, I made mud. What humiliates a girl more than getting dirty? All I gotta do is watch from a safe distance…"

And he fled and hid himself in the bush again to watch.

Meanwhile, Chas, Stu, and Howard were in one group, while Didi, Betty, Melinda, and Charlotte were in another group, with Charlotte playing with her new doll.

"Say, Didi, what do you think the boys are thinking about?" asked Melinda.

"Oh, I don't know," shrugged Didi. "Probably playing in the mud or something."

"That sounds awesome!" Betty cried out with delight. "I wanna play in the mud!"

Didi looked at her in disgust and said, "No way, Betty, that's filthy!"

"But it'll be fun!"

Turning to Melinda, Didi asked, "What do you think, Melinda?"

Suddenly, Melinda tripped on a rock and fell into the mud puddle Drew had made earlier. How Drew laughed out loud and shouted, "She looks like a giant mud pie!"

Everyone else looked on in curiosity and confusion, but Melinda sat up and said to the others, "It's all right, guys. When I was living at the farm, I always loved playing in the mud with the piggies."

"See? It's fun, Didi," said Betty.

Didi then turned to Charlotte and said, "Charlotte, I think it's time for tea."

"You said it, Didi," Charlotte replied.

And Didi and Charlotte went to a safe distance to play tea party with their dolls.

Chas, Stu, and Howard looked at Melinda and Betty wrestling each other in the mud, and Chas asked, "What do you think they're doing?"

Howard replied, "I think they're playing in the mud."

Stu was astonished and cried, "Cool! I never heard of a girl who liked mud… except for Betty! Care to join us, Chas?"

"No, I don't like getting dirty," Chas replied. "Melinda can have fun without me."

"Okay, suit yourself," said Stu as he jumped into the mud with Melinda and Betty.

Upon seeing Melinda playing in the mud with Stu and Betty, Chas rolled his eyes and said to himself, "Oh, great! Another Stu!"

As for Drew, he growled in defeat, for his plan to humiliate Melinda, the new kid, had backfired once again.

* * *

Two days passed by, and Drew tried everything: rope snares, "kick me" signs, even a bucking horse, the very one who had humiliated Drew at the previous year's horseback-riding competition. But every attempt to make Melinda look bad backfired. Chas stepped into the rope snare, he removed the "kick me" sign from her and replaced it with a "say 'Hi, Melinda' to me" sign, and what's more, Melinda, being a farm girl, knew how to tame and control a bucking horse.

Finally, on the third day, Drew was so infuriated at his multiple failures that he decided to take the direct approach, even though he wasn't supposed to because Melinda was a girl and Drew was a boy.

During recess, Melinda was playing in the jungle gym with her friends and she was about to slide down the slide, only to be met with Drew Pickles.

"Hi, Drew," said Melinda.

"All right, New Kid!" shouted Drew as he glared at Melinda. "It's my turn!"

For once, Melinda was scared. "Actually, it's my turn."

"Oh, no, it's not!" said Drew as he shoved her aside, to everyone else's shock.

Poor Melinda was so upset she nearly cried.

As all the students on the playground looked on, Chas was indignant. "You can't do that to a girl!" he cried. And he stepped up to Drew and shoved him down the slide, with Chas swiftly following.

Everyone who saw this chanted, "Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!"

And fight Chas and Drew did. At first, Chas didn't seem like much of a fighter, so everyone feared that Drew might gain the upper hand.

"Face it, Finster!" shouted Drew. "You're a scaredy-serf! A big, fat scaredy-serf!"

This made Chas so discouraged he was about to give up. But then, he saw Melinda look at him with a smile on her face. She encouraged Chas by exclaiming, "Don't be scared, Charles. You're big, and you're brave, like a knight in shining armor. You're a big, brave knight! Say it, and keep saying it!"

And Chas began to say to himself, "I'm a big, brave knight. I'm a big, brave knight. I'm a big, brave knight…"

And so, he set his own fears aside and began to beat Drew up. After about a minute, both boys had been beaten into a pulp, although Chas had clearly won the fight, as Drew was crying like a baby.

Chas was confused. "What did I do?" he asked.

Melinda slid down the slide, approached him, and said, "Don't you see, Charles? You saved me."

Suddenly, Chas crouched down in pain. "Then how come I don't feel so good?" he asked as he fell to the ground.

* * *

The next day, Chas and Drew returned to the school grounds with bandages all over their bodies. Drew had a broken arm in a sling, while Chas had a broken leg and crutches.

Melinda again came to Chas and said to him, "I knew you were a big, brave knight, Charles."

Chas blushed bright red. "Please, call me Chas! Charles is such a geeky name!"

"Well, I love it, Charles," Melinda replied. "I just wish I could repay you for standing up to Drew for me."

Chas replied, "I know. My dad tells me that violence should never be a man's first choice in resolving conflicts, but that defending someone you like is a noble thing to do."

"Why don't you go to Kelso's with me? I'll treat you there with a strawberry milkshake."

Chas smiled and said, "Gee, thanks, Melinda!"

"You're welcome," Melinda replied, and she went off to play with Betty again.

Chas sighed, until he noticed Stu and Drew chanting, "Chas and Melinda sittin' in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

"Hey!" Chas cried out to the Pickles brothers. "Just because I like Melinda doesn't mean I _like_ like her!"

"Yeah, ya do!" Drew laughed until he felt some pain from his broken arm. Then he groaned, "I'm not gonna try anything like pickin' on a new kid again…"

Meeting Melinda Cavanaugh was a great joy for young Charles Finster. It was clear that he was starting to become attracted to her, and over the years, his affection for Melinda would get deeper and deeper, but that's another story…


	11. Parents' Night

_Third Street School's Parents' Night is coming-up; however, while Charles doesn't mind bringing his father along with him, he doesn't want to bring his mother too due to her habit of embarrassing him._

_Inspired by the "Recess" episode "Parents' Night"_

It was a normal day at Third Street School. In each classroom, the kids were learning their lessons when, on this particular day in September, they were told about Parents' Night. Every kid from kindergarten to sixth grade was told to bring his or her parents.

For example, in the fourth-grade classroom, the teacher told Chas, Drew, Melinda, and their classmates, "Thursday night is Parents' Night, the one night of the year when all parents, mothers and/or fathers, come together and share in our positive learning environment. Make sure you give your parents these recyclable handouts, or they might miss out."

But as the teacher handed his students the handouts, Chas gulped, "Oh, boy. Parents' Night."

* * *

During recess, Chas, Melinda, Stu, Betty, and Didi were playing around the jungle gym.

"Oh, boy! Parents' Night!" cried Melinda enthusiastically. "I can't wait to show my daddy all the new friends I've made!"

Didi added, "I'm gonna show my parents the drawing I made of Moses parting the Red Sea for my art class."

And Stu, using his red blanket as a parachute, exclaimed, "I'm gonna show my folks the pet mouse our second-grade teacher keeps in our classroom!"

"Oh, that's nuttin' compared to the dead rat Stu and I just found floatin' in a bucket," said Betty.

"Ew!" cried Didi with disgust. "What's wrong with you second graders?"

And Melinda asked Chas, "What are you gonna show your mom and dad, Charles?"

"Oh, the usual," sighed Chas despondently. "I'll try to show my dad my accomplishments, while all my mom will think about is embarrassing me in front of my classmates."

"So?" asked Stu.

"So what?" asked Chas.

"Everyone's parents embarrass them," Betty replied.

"Yeah," added Didi. "Last year, my daddy told my classmates how he and mommy taught me how to walk."

"But you don't understand, Didi," said Chas. "My mom's not like your dad. She's worse! For once, I want it to be just me and my dad."

"Oh, come on, Charles," scoffed Melinda. "How bad could she be?"

Presently, the kids heard Drew laughing in that most annoying chuckle only a bully could make. "Boy, Finster," he sneered at Chas. "I'd really hate to be you come Thursday night!"

Melinda glared at Drew and asked, "What are you talking about, Drew? Why are you picking on Charles again?"

"Well, Cavanaugh," Drew replied, "it just so happens that every year since kindergarten, Finster's mom has been humiliating him in front of his entire class!"

Then he turned to Stu, Didi, and Betty and said, "I'm not gonna spoil the ending for you dumb first and second graders, but it's gonna be so funny!"

Stu begged to differ. "Oh, please, Drew! Chas' mom's not gonna be any more embarrassing than our mom! In fact, our mom may have a deep, dark secret about you!"

Daunted by Stu's revelation, Drew blurted out, "She does not, Stu!"

"Does too!"

"Does not!"

"Does too!"

"Does not!"

"Does too!"

"Does not!"

"Does…"

"STOP!" screamed Chas. "I'm not bringing my mom to Parents' Night, and that's final!"

And he stormed off to sit on the swing set alone.

"Heh. See ya chumps later," snickered Drew as he ran off to the wall to booby trap a drinking fountain.

This made Melinda very curious. "It doesn't make any sense," she said to herself. "Why would Charles not want to bring his mom? I live right across the street from his folks, and she seems like such a nice lady."

"Don't ask me," replied Didi. "I've never even met her."

"There's something really weird goin' on here, you guys," said Betty.

"And the fact that Drew won't tell us what Chas' mom is like doesn't help," added Stu. "So, we gotta get to the bottom of this!"

"But how, Stu?" asked Melinda.

Stu replied with a defiant grin, "The best way is the sneaky way… a stakeout."

* * *

That night, the city lights were on when Stu, Didi, Betty, and Melinda surrounded the Finster residence, each child hiding stealthily.

Using walkie-talkies, the kids were able to communicate with each other. Behind Marvin's car, Melinda said, "Hey, Stu, you see anything yet?"

Stu was hiding up a tree as he said, "Negative, Melinda. How about you, Didi?"

Didi was hiding in a bush as she said, "Nothing back here, Stu." Presently, she saw Chas emerging from the back door to take out the trash. "Wait a minute! I think I see something. A person."

"Who is it, Didi?" asked Stu. "It's too dark up here for me to tell."

Didi replied, "It looks like a nine-year-old boy heading for the garage."

"Heads up, Betty!" said Stu. "He's coming your way."

Chas opened the trash can to put away his trash, only to find Betty hiding in it.

Betty sprung up and shouted, "Hiya, Chazzy!"

Frightened, Chas cried out, "What are you doing in here?!"

"Is there anything wrong with sitting?" asked Betty.

"Get out of here, Betty! And what are you doing in that tree, Stu? Didi, why are you in that bush? If it has anything to do with my mom, then I told you I wasn't bringing her, and that's final!"

And Chas ran into the house. His friends' attempt to see his mother was a most miserable failure.

"Well, so much for the sneaky approach," sighed Stu.

"Yeah, from now on, we gotta be direct," added Betty.

And Melinda said, "To-morrow, after school, we're goin' in. Somehow, someway, we're going in."

* * *

The next day, after school, by the Finster residence, Betty was having Stu drink water from a hose.

"You think this is gonna work?" asked Didi.

"It has to work. It's foolproof," Melinda replied.

Then Betty said to Stu, "Drink it down, Stuie! Drink it down!"

Presently, Stu cried out, "Please! No more! I'll burst!"

"Fair enough," said Betty as she turned off the hose.

And so, Melinda, Didi, Betty, and Stu, the purple-haired boy clinging to his crotch as he squirmed around, went to the front door as Didi rang the doorbell.

Didi said, "Okay, Stu. You know what you're gonna say?"

"I gotta go to the bathroom!" cried Stu.

"Perfect!" cried Betty as she smacked Stu in the back.

Chas opened the door to see his friends and asked them, "What are you all doing here?"

"Tell him, Stu," said Melinda.

"I gotta go to the bathroom!" cried Stu.

And Melinda said, "He's gotta go to the bathroom."

"Okay, I'll let you in," said Chas. "But under one condition: don't disturb my mom."

"Oh, good!" said Betty. "Stu's ready to burst!"

And so, Stu, Melinda, Didi, and Betty went into the house. While Stu dashed for the bathroom, the girls stayed behind with Chas.

"So, what are you really doing here?" asked Chas.

"We want some answers, Charles," Melinda replied.

Confused, Chas asked, "What are the questions?"

Betty replied, "Number one: what's the deal with your mom?"

Didi added, "And number two: why won't you bring her to Parents' Night this year?"

Chas replied, "I told you: my mom embarrasses me. And Drew's been taunting me about it since kindergarten."

But the girls didn't understand just how embarrassing Chas' mother could be. Melinda said to Didi and Betty, "That's it! We're seeing Mrs. Finster!"

Horrified, Chas blurted out, "Wait! Wait! All right, all right, I give in. I'll let you girls see my mom, but not now."

"When?" asked Melinda.

Chas replied, "I'll bring her and my dad to Parents' Night."

"Well, that seems fair," said Betty.

Presently, Chas and the girls heard the flushing of a toilet, and Stu emerged from the bathroom with a sigh of relief: "Man, that was worth it!"

After Stu had reunited with the girls, Melinda said, "Okay, Charles. Now that Stu has used the bathroom, we'll see you at Parents' Night."

Stu, Didi, Betty, and Melinda quietly left the Finster residence as Chas said to the others, "Okay, see you guys later!"

But then, his face fell as he thought about all the times his mother had embarrassed him on Parents' Night, and he muttered, "I had to open my big mouth…"

* * *

Thursday Night was Parents' Night at Third Street School. Every kid had brought his or her parents along so they could see his or her accomplishments over the years.

Howard's parents, Mr. and Mrs. DeVille, passed by Principal Solomon on their way to their son's third-grade classroom. Principal Solomon said to the DeVilles, "Hi there! Glad you could make it! Your son, Howard DeVille, is a great asset to our school."

In the third-grade classroom, Charlotte was showing her mother, Mrs. McSell, her excellent tastes in fashion.

Showing her mother her fashion magazine, Charlotte pointed to a beautiful designer dress and said, "This is the dress I want to get for my birthday."

"Excellent choice, Charlotte," said Mrs. McSell.

In the first-grade classroom, Didi led her parents, Boris and Minka Kropotkin, to her teacher and said, "Mom, Dad, this is my first-grade teacher."

The first-grade teacher greeted the Kropotkins, and she said to them, "Kosher beef sausages? They're homemade."

Boris replied, "Beef sausages can wait. Wanna know about our Didila's first word?"

Minka snapped, "Boris! I thought you promised me you wouldn't embarrass Didila like you did last year!"

Boris blushed, himself embarrassed by his own wife.

In the second-grade classroom, Stu showed his parents, Lou and Trixie Pickles, his second-grade teacher's pet mouse. "This is the pet mouse I've been talking about," he said.

"Stuart Pickles!" cried Trixie. "You're telling me that you've befriended a mouse?!"

"Oh, for the love of Mike!" said Lou. "It's just a mouse! When I was Stu's age, we thought nothing of finding herds of elk on the playground!"

As for Betty, she showed her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Giselle, a picture she drew of the dead rat in the bucket of water she had found earlier.

"EW!" cried Mr. Giselle. "What's wrong with you?"

But Mrs. Giselle tousled up Betty's hair and declared, "That's my girl!"

And she and Mr. Giselle laughed out loud.

And all along the school, Melinda showed her father, Christopher Cavanaugh, her new friends: "You probably know Charles from earlier, but I've made lots of friends from the different grades. This is Didi from the first grade. Stu and Betty are from the second grade. And Howard and Charlotte are from the third grade."

Presently, Melinda and her father heard some annoying laughter. It was Drew laughing at an annoyed Chas.

"And who might that be?" asked Christopher.

Melinda rolled her eyes and said, "That is no friend of mine. That is Drew Pickles. He likes to pick on me and Charles and all the other kids at school. He's exactly like that rude older boy who made a mess of our farm two summers ago."

Meanwhile, Drew shouted at Chas, "So, Finster, where's your momma? I see your daddy, but not your momma!"

Chas could only glare at Drew as Chas' aunt Muriel watched and went away to alert her brother about this.

"I'll bet you probably chickened out and denied your momma access to Parents' Night!"

"I was afraid this might happen," sighed Melinda to herself.

Glaring at his adversary, Chas replied, "Lay off, Drew. I told my friends that I would bring my mom to Parents' Night with my dad."

"Yeah, right!" sneered Drew. "Here's what Stu and I learned from our pop: never make a promise you can't keep."

"Oh, get out of the way so my dad and I can see our teacher!"

"Why don't you make me, Finster?"

"Because you're stronger than me, and it's not fair!"

"Then ask me nice…"

Chas only glared at Drew.

"Say pretty please with sugar on top… Say Drew Pickles is the smartest, most handsome boy in school!"

"Get out of the way!"

"If you can't be any nicer than that…"

Chas' father, Marvin Finster, walked in just in time, and his sister Muriel showed Marvin what was going on. Marvin was horrified to see Drew turn Chas upside down and make off with his money: five dimes, seven nickels, nine quarters, and a penny.

Chas was fighting back tears when Stu, Melinda, Didi, Betty, Marvin, and Muriel all approached him in sympathy.

Marvin said to Chas, "You and your mother were right all along. Drew's a real jerk."

"I'll say," added Stu.

Muriel, baring her fist, declared, "It's a shame that it's wrong for a grown-up to punch a child!"

"Now, now, Muriel, there's more than one way to deal with bullies," said Marvin. "Lucky for Charles, he has me to make him a man and put up with Drew's bullying." And he said to Chas' friends, "I taught him to swim on his first birthday. Took him all the way to Lake Michigan with a life preserver and some dry toast."

"Wow, Chas," said Betty. "Your dad's great! In fact, he's the coolest dad here!"

"I'm glad you showed him to us, Charles," said Melinda as she placed her hand on his shoulder.

Chas blushed as he said to the others, "Gee, thanks, guys. At least, this night can't get any worse."

Suddenly, Chas and his friends heard an all-too-familiar voice: "Charles, there you are!"

"Oh, no," groaned Chas as his mother, Shirley Finster, approached him.

"Oh, my little muffin man," she said. "I was worried sick over you!" And she kissed his cheek, pulled him up from the ground, and swept the dust from off his pants.

"Oh, mom! Please!"

But Shirley led Chas into the fourth-grade classroom, Stu, Didi, Betty, and Melinda following them.

Shirley turned around and said, "Oh, these must be your little friends. Let's see. Now, I know Stu and Melinda already, but you must Mimi and Greta." Didi and Betty gave her weird looks as she got their names all wrong. "Tell me, Charles, is it true that you have the crush on Melinda?"

"Mom!" cried Chas.

"Say, would you kids like to see some pictures of my little muffin man when he was just a baby?" And Shirley showed Stu, Didi, Betty, and Melinda a photo album containing all of Chas' baby pictures. "Here he is when he was six months old."

"That's a very unusual crib, Mrs. Finster," said Melinda.

"It's a puff pastry," Shirley replied. "He smelled like butter for a week."

"Why me?" groaned Chas.

The fourth-grade teacher saw Marvin and Shirley Finster and said, "Ah, so you must be Miss Finster's brother and sister-in-law."

"Indeed, we are," said Marvin. "I'm Marvin."

"And I'm Shirley," said Shirley.

"Ah, welcome to Parents' Night, Mr. and Mrs. Finster," said the fourth-grade teacher. "Would you like some crisp cookies?"

"Oh, thank you," said Shirley as she helped herself to a cookie. It was then when she noticed, to her dismay, that Chas wasn't enjoying himself.

Melinda whispered to Stu, Didi, and Betty, "Well, I guess we finally know why he was embarrassed of his mom."

Feeling guilty, the four children went straight for Shirley, told her all about why Chas didn't want her to attend Parents' Night, and led her to him.

Shirley asked, "Mind if I join you?"

"Sure, pull up a desk," said Chas despondently.

As she sat down, Shirley said, "Your friends explained to me why you didn't want me to attend Parents' Night this year. I know I embarrass you, but there's something very important I want to say."

"What?"

"I forgive you."

Chas was taken aback. "You forgive me?"

"That's right, Charles. You see, one day, you're going to feel so bad about being embarrassed by us, and I just want you to know that I understand how you feel."

"How could you possibly understand how I feel?"

"Well, when I was your age, my papa used to embarrass me so much I didn't want to bring him to public events. By the time I was twelve, I tried not to bring him to my sixth-grade graduation."

"Really?"

"The thing is, honey, no matter how much I embarrass you, your father and I are always gonna love you because you're our only child, and we're your only parents."

As Shirley was about to head for home, with Marvin and Muriel looking on, Chas said, "Wait, mom! There's still a half-hour left of Parents' Night."

"Well, come on then!" exclaimed Shirley as she, Marvin, Muriel, and Chas enjoyed the rest of the night.

But as the Finsters were about to greet the other kids' parents, Drew entered the classroom with his parents, as well as his ill-gotten money collected in a bag.

"Oh, no! Not Drew again!" groaned Chas.

"Don't bother him," said Muriel. "He's not worth your time."

Drew said to the fourth-grade teacher, "Mom, pop, this is my teacher."

"So, you must be Mr. and Mrs. Pickles," said the fourth-grade teacher to Lou and Trixie. "I'm afraid your son has been having a behavioral problem lately."

"Behavioral problem?" asked Lou.

"He's unkind to his classmates, lies to the other kids, and even steals from younger and weaker kids."

"He ought to be ashamed!" exclaimed Trixie. "And to think he stopped wetting the bed this year!"

As Drew overheard that, he looked at Stu, who smiled confidently to confirm that what their mother has said was true.

Drew was horrified that his deep, dark secret was let out, and he dropped the bag of coins and ran off screaming.

This allowed Chas to seize the opportunity to take back his coins (five dimes, seven nickels, nine quarters, and one penny). "That's three dollars and eleven cents precisely," said Chas as he put his money in a safer place: his pants pocket.

And off Chas went with his parents and his aunt Muriel, all laughing together at Drew's comeuppance, to enjoy the rest of the evening.


	12. Picture Day

_On Melinda's first Picture Day at Third Street Elementary School, Charles and the others vow to keep her clean. But can the fourth graders manage to stay clean by the time they're ready when all the younger kids go to take their photos, and some of them are getting messy? And how will they avoid getting caught in the crossfire?_

_Inspired by the "Recess" episode "One Stayed Clean"_

October 10, 1966. Picture Day was to be a hard day, at least for the kids, but it would be especially hard for Melinda, for this was her first Picture Day at Third Street School.

It started out like any normal Monday morning. At 6 AM, Melinda awoke her father Christopher. But in this case, unlike most other Monday mornings, Melinda cried out with joy, "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! It's Picture Day!"

Christopher arose drowsily from his slumber, and he chuckled, "Okay, okay, Melinda. I'm up."

Melinda did everything to prepare for her fourth-grade class picture. She combed her hair, she ironed her clothes (something her mother had taught her while they were still on the farm), and she donned her best white dress.

And when she appeared before her father, he was amazed. Melinda was as pretty as a picture, which put these words into his mouth: "You look just like your mother on our wedding day."

As Christopher thought about his deceased wife, Melinda's mother, and knew that she could no longer see their daughter looking so radiant, he almost wept. But Christopher held back the tears, knowing that he could not tell Melinda about what had happened to her mother until a lot later.

"You look great, princess," said Christopher.

"Thanks, daddy," Melinda replied.

"This is your very first Picture Day. Make daddy proud."

Melinda smiled and said, "I'll do my best, daddy. I'll do my best."

* * *

At school, Chas, Drew, Stu, Didi, Betty, Charlotte, and Howard were all seated on a bench, dressed in their formal Sunday clothes, but in Didi's case, she was dressed in her Sabbath dress. Stu was dressed in a blue suit and red tie, Betty in a light green dress, Charlotte in a pink dress, and Howard in a pink tuxedo. As for Chas, he was dressed in a black tuxedo with a red bowtie.

"Oh, man," groaned Stu. "Why Picture Day?"

"Why, indeed," sighed Chas.

"Hey, Stu!" shouted Betty. "Looks like you don't have it as bad as your big brother Drew!"

Indeed, all the other kids snickered to see Drew scowling and dressed in a Little Lord Fauntleroy costume.

Drew said defensively, "It's not my fault! My mom made me wear this!"

"Boy, Drew," chuckled Chas. "I can't believe your mom talked you into this."

"Yeah, well, it's bad enough my mom got me lookin' like this, but there's also gonna be a photograph to prove it! I'm burnin' every picture I find!"

And Drew stormed off in a huff.

Then, Betty said, "Ya know, Stu, when I grow up and become a parent, no matter how mad I get, I'm never gonna Picture Day my pups!"

And Stu and Chas agreed with her as Melinda entered.

"Hey, guys! Boy, you're all looking good!" said Melinda as Chas, Stu, and Betty all scowled. "So what time do we fourth graders get our picture taken? Hope it's early!"

Chas, Stu, Didi, Betty, Charlotte, and Howard led Melinda to the schedule as Didi explained, "They schedule it according to grade. Kindergartners go first, we first graders go second, and so on."

Stu added, "Therefore, logically, Betty and I, being second graders, would go after Deed and the other first graders."

Charlotte said, "Howard and I, being third graders, would go after the second graders."

And Chas said, "And you, Drew, and I, being fourth graders, would go after the third graders."

Betty finished with: "And you fourth graders will be followed by the fifth graders, and they by the sixth graders, who go last."

"But that means," Drew cried out, "Finster, Cavanaugh, and I have to stay clean for longer than Charlotte, DeVille, Giselle, Pickles, and Kropotkin! That's impossible! How are we fourth graders supposed to get through even the kindergarten picture!?"

"All right, all right, Drew," said Stu. "Remain calm. I can figure this out."

Melinda sighed, "Oh, I understand that Charles and Drew are upset."

"But why, Melinda?" asked Chas.

"If you two get messy, what's the big deal? You've already gotten pictures from your previous grades, but this is my very first class picture at this school."

Chas, Drew, Stu, Didi, Betty, Charlotte, and Howard were all taken aback, and they stared at Melinda.

"This is your first class picture at Third Street School?" asked Drew.

"Yes," Melinda replied. "That's why I was so excited to wear this white dress. But we fourth graders have to go after you younger kids. I just want to make my daddy proud."

Chas then approached Melinda, placed his hand on her shoulder, and said, "Look, Melinda. I'm just a kid. This Picture Day doesn't make any sense to me, but the fact is, we're stuck with it. And when I see Melinda, I think to myself, maybe this day doesn't have to be so meaningless after all. If I can have Melinda go home and make her father proud, then that's just good enough for me."

As the other kids saw Chas sit down next to Melinda, they got an idea. Stu said, "Ah, what the heck, Melinda? I'm with you too. Chas and I will keep you clean."

Betty added, "Mud's my gig! It's gonna take me out first."

Charlotte said, "I don't like getting dirty, but it's better me than you, Melinda."

"Same here," added Howard.

Didi said, "As the youngest of us, it's better that I'm the first to go."

And they all stood by Melinda. Even Drew stood next to her and said, "No one's messin' ya up, Cavanaugh. Not while I'm around."

* * *

At 8 AM, all was quiet on the playground. The photographer was busy setting up his camera, while Chas' aunt Muriel Finster was busy looking at her watch. As soon as the school bell rang, all the kids got out, slowly and quietly, into the playground.

Then, Miss Finster shouted through her megaphone: "Kindergartners! I repeat, kindergartners! Report to the photographer at once!"

As for the kids, Chas, Drew, Stu, Didi, Betty, Charlotte, and Howard were all surrounding Melinda as Stu gave commands: "Drew, tighten it up on the left. Charlotte, ward off your classmates on the right. Chas, if you see a dirt clod, walk around it. If we're careful, I think we'll make it."

Out on the blacktop, the photographer was preparing to take a photo of the kindergartners, holding up a birdie to get their attention. "Okay, kiddies," he said. "Watch the birdie and say cheese!"

"Cheese!" said the kindergartners as the photographer took their picture.

Once the photo was taken, one of the kindergartners shouted with joy, "Picture's finished! We're free!"

And the kindergartners all ran past Miss Finster as she announced, "First graders! I repeat, first graders! Report to the photographer at once!"

"First graders? That's me!" said Didi. "Sorry, guys, but it's almost over."

And as Didi went to the blacktop to have her photo taken with her classmates, Drew muttered, "Almost over for Kropotkin, the lucky little sap!"

But soon, the kindergartners came in, already dirty for jumping in the mud.

"Man, those kindergartners are havin' the best day of my life!" groaned Betty.

"Oh, man! There must be twenty, no, thirty of them, and they comin' this way!" cried Drew.

But Stu admonished the others, "Just keep moving. Don't let 'em out of your sight. Everything will be okay."

Soon enough, however, a wayward dodgeball, covered with mud, was flying in their direction, whereupon Charlotte punched the dodgeball out of her sight and away from Melinda.

"Thanks for saving me, Charlotte," said Melinda.

Charlotte replied, "No problem, Melinda."

Meanwhile, Didi and the other first graders were having their picture taken. Once the photographer was done, they headed for the lawn to play around as Miss Finster announced, "Second graders! I repeat, second graders! You're up!"

In the playground, under the jungle gym, Stu said to Betty, "Second graders. That means us, Betty."

Betty asked, "How's everything?"

"All clear," said Stu, and he said to Chas, "Betty and I are gonna have our photo taken. You hold down the fort, Chas."

"Okay, Stu," said Chas as he, Charlotte, Howard, and Drew went to the merry-go-round with Melinda.

Soon enough, Didi reunited with the other five while her classmates got to drinking juice boxes and playing maul ball.

Chas sighed, "Oh, man! All this hummin' across country sure does make me thirsty. When this is all over, I'm heading straight for Kelso's and ordering me an extra-large glass of root beer."

The others nodded in agreement.

"How about you, Drew?" asked Chas. "What are you gonna do when we've got our picture taken?"

Drew added, "I'm dreamin' of a big, fat, messy game of maul ball. But first, I'm gonna take some special time to cream any kid who makes a wisecrack about this outfit! How about you, Kropotkin?"

Didi replied, "Me? Now that my picture has been taken, I'm just gonna have a tea party."

"Okay," said Charlotte. "That should be good clean fun. You just sip tea daintily, and no one makes a mess."

But suddenly, one of Didi's classmates accidentally bumped into her, causing her to spill her tea all over her dress.

"Oh, no!" cried Didi. "I was gonna wear this dress to synagogue!"

"Then you should consider yourself lucky," Charlotte replied. "You've already had your picture taken, while I had to shield Melinda from a muddy dodgeball. Look what happened to my arm!"

And she showed Didi her mud-covered arm.

"You know what," said Chas, "if I were Stu, I would know that, although some of us might get dirty, we gotta keep moving to protect Melinda."

Didi sighed, "Well, good luck."

And by 9:30 AM, Chas, Drew, Howard, Charlotte, and Melinda were on the lookout for anything that might look remotely dirty. Good thing Chas liked staying clean.

During that time, Stu, Betty, and all the other second graders had had their picture taken, and they were all delighted to be free! Stu and Betty lost no time in playing in the mud!

As for Miss Finster, she announced, "Third graders! I repeat, third graders! Here, now!"

"Well, that's us, Charlotte," Howard said.

"See ya guys later," said Charlotte as she and Howard joined the other third graders in their class picture.

Stu and Betty soon joined up with Chas, Drew, and Melinda, and Stu said, "Man, look at that playground!"

Chas exclaimed, "There sure are a lot of messy kids out there!"

"Don't worry, Charles," Melinda replied. "I'm not scared."

"Yeah, and besides," added Betty, "it should be the turn of you fourth graders pretty soon!"

Drew said, "Yeah, I see first graders, second graders, third graders, and even kindergartners. Everyone except the fifth and sixth graders."

"At least we're not going last like the sixth graders," said Chas.

"But we're gonna stay clean people until it's our turn," Melinda replied.

"AMBUSH!" cried Stu as he and Betty shielded Chas, Drew, and Melinda from a group of their own classmates, whose messy mud play resulted in mud being flung everywhere.

"Get outta here, guys!" cried Betty.

"But, Betty…" said Chas.

"Go! Save yourselves!" exclaimed Stu as he flung his red blanket to Melinda. "I know what I'm doing."

And so, Chas, Drew, and Melinda ran off, Chas and Drew shielding Melinda from the jungle gym onward as the three fourth graders jumped into a hole that had been dug into the dirt.

Chas, Melinda, and Drew huddled in the hole, shielding themselves from anything messy kids had to throw at them.

"We're not gonna make it, Melinda!" cried Chas. "Didi, Stu, Betty, they're all messy! There's just too many of them! I can't take it anymore!"

"Relax, Finster!" cried Drew. "It's only 10 AM!"

But Melinda took a gentler approach. As she placed Stu's blanket on the dirt, she said softly to Chas, "We'll be okay, Charles. We're safe in here."

"Thanks, Melinda," Chas sighed as he sat on the blanket.

Presently, Drew took out a harmonica and played "Red River Valley" on it.

"Hey, neat," said Chas. "Where'd you get that?"

Drew replied, "My pop gave it to me for my ninth birthday." And he resumed playing.

Melinda sighed and said to Chas, "That music, it makes me think of home. It makes me think of my daddy. You guys have moms and dads back home too, but here you are getting all messy for me. Won't your folks be disappointed?"

Chas replied, "Sure, they'll be disappointed, but if I were Stu, and I didn't stand up for my friend when she was down, when she really needed my help, I'd be disappointed in myself. I may be a scaredy-cat, but the way I stand, the choice isn't that hard to make."

As Chas and Melinda gazed into each other's eyes, however, Chas heard his aunt Muriel announce: "Fourth graders! I repeat, fourth graders! Report to the photographer at once!"

"That's us," whispered Melinda.

And once Chas, Melinda, and Drew looked over the hole, they saw all the kids from kindergarten through third grade engaging in rowdy, messy play.

"Now, everybody's getting messy!" cried Melinda. "Are we gonna make it all the way to the photographer?"

Chas replied, "I don't know, Melinda, but we got all the way out here without getting messed up. We survived the first and second graders. Maybe luck's on our side."

Melinda smiled at Chas and said, "You're right, Charles. Let's do it!"

And so, Chas, Melinda, and Drew got out of the hole and ran for the photographer. Each kid did their best to avoid the mud being flung by all the younger kids. But before they made it to the photographer, Drew noticed a clod of mud hurtling towards Melinda, and he shielded her from the mud by taking it upon his own Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit.

"Drew," cried Melinda. "You took a bullet for me!"

"What can I say, Cavanaugh?" Drew replied. "You're not such a bad kid after all."

And soon, Melinda would prove her worth to Chas himself when she saw a wayward can of cheese dip flying in his direction. She looked at her classmates, and she looked at Chas. Soon, she would know what to do…

* * *

On Friday, Chas delivered a copy of his fourth-grade photo to Christopher Cavanaugh, saying, "So, you see, Mr. Cavanaugh, whatever you think of all the junk that happened to us on Picture Day, I just figured I should let you know: I'm proud of Melinda, and I'm honored to be her friend."

And so, Christopher opened the envelope and looked at the photo.

As Chas' father Marvin entered, he said, "Say, Chris, what are you looking at?"

Christopher smiled, showed Marvin the photo, and said, "Take a good look, Marv. That girl covered in cheese is my daughter in her first class picture at Third Street School. She kept your son clean, so if you ask me, I'd say she's never looked better."

And Christopher was right. No future bride and groom ever looked better.


	13. Charles is Breathless

_Charles' fourth-grade teacher is about to direct a drama adaptation of The Wind in the Willows. Among the other kids, Drew is the Water Rat, Melinda is the jailer's daughter, and Charles is… a willow tree? During this time, however, Charles learns that he has asthma, and suddenly Drew starts treating him differently._

_Inspired by the "Arthur" episode "Buster's Breathless"_

In November 1966, Chas and Melinda had known each other for two months. Since Chas had stood up for Melinda against Drew's attacks, Drew would always think twice about picking on the new kid.

It was during this time, when the teacher made an announcement to his students: "Boys and girls, we will soon be staging _The Wind in the Willows_. It was my favorite story when I was your age. I have therefore assigned each of you a role for the play. Just remember: there are no small parts, only small actors."

And he pulled out the role list and spoke: "William Baker, you're the Mole."

"Thank you, sir," said William.

"Andrew Pickles, you're the Water Rat."

"Wow! A major role in a school play! What an honor!" said Drew.

"Daniel Gallagher, you're Mr. Toad."

"Nice," said Daniel. "I'll make sure I play my role well."

"Malcolm McDuff, you're the Badger."

"A bonnie role for me!" cried Malcolm, who was a foreign exchange student from Scotland.

"Melinda Cavanaugh, you're the jailer's daughter."

"Thank you, sir," said Melinda.

This went on and on, until the teacher ran out of major roles and gave the remainder of the students non-speaking roles. For example…

"Charles Finster, you're a willow tree."

"Wow! You mean the title role?" gasped Chas with excitement.

Drew snickered at Chas, "What are you excited about, Finster? You're a tree!"

Melinda was miffed at Drew for making fun of Chas, and she said to Drew, "He's a willow."

"Look, Cavanaugh!" said Drew. "I know a tree when I see one, and Finster is playin' a tree!"

The teacher then said to his students, "All right, class. Now that you have been assigned your roles, you will be given your scripts."

And he handed the students some old books, so old that they had collected dust. As the teacher set them down, however, Chas began to cough. It was a really bad cough that concerned Melinda.

And as Drew looked through his script, he read the Water Rat's lines: "You are fast becoming a menace to society! If you won't think of yourself, think of poor old Badger! And as for that horse, no good could ever come from galloping about with such a fast and irresponsible beast!"

But as Drew read his lines, Chas was coughing violently.

This time, Drew noticed with Melinda. "Finster!" cried Drew. "Are you okay?!"

Chas wheezed, "Having… trouble… breathing…"

Even the teacher was concerned upon hearing Chas' wheezing. He said, "Charles, whatever is the matter? You should go see a doctor right away."

* * *

And so, the teacher sent Chas to a nearby hospital. There, a nurse used her stethoscope to check the red-headed boy's heart and breathing.

"What exactly do you feel?" asked the nurse.

Chas replied, "I don't know. It feels like I'm trying to breathe through a straw."

"Anyone can breathe through a straw."

"A straw that's been clogged."

Meanwhile, in the waiting room, Marvin and Shirley were waiting patiently, alongside Melinda and her father Christopher, Stu, Drew, and their parents Lou and Trixie.

Second-grader Stu, having heard of Chas' breathing problems, turned on Drew and shouted, "This is all your fault, Drew!"

"My fault?" cried Drew in bewilderment. "How can it be my fault?"

"Because you read that dirty book! That's what made him sick! I know it!"

"Well, how was I supposed to know my script was so dusty?"

Lou then said to his sons, "Boys, boys, stop arguing. Stu, you're eight years old. Drew, you're nine. Grow up, you two!"

But Melinda didn't play the blame game. Instead, she said to herself, "Poor Charles…"

Back in the nurse's office, the nurse said to Chas, "The dust and mold from your friend's script made it hard for you to breathe because you have asthma."

Chas was startled. "Asthma?" he cried. "Does it mean I can't participate in my school play?"

"Don't worry, Chas. If you take your medicine, you can do all the things you like."

Yes, having asthma didn't seem like a big deal… to Chas.

* * *

The next day, at school, Chas was walking down the hallway with Melinda.

"So, you're saying that if you get even one little bit of dust up your nose, you can't breathe?" asked Melinda.

Chas replied, "You got that right. I can't play kickball with you, Stu, Drew, and Betty without wheezing!"

"Is asthma contagious?"

"I certainly hope not…"

But little did Chas and Melinda know that Drew and Stu were hot on their tail.

"I don't get it, Drew," said Stu. "Why are we stalking Chas?"

Drew replied, "Listen, Stu. You and I both don't know anything about asthma. It could be contagious. In fact, Finster may not actually have asthma, but consumption."

"And consumption is contagious?"

"Yes! He may spread it to Cavanaugh! We're talkin' long-term exposure here!"

"Hey, Drew," said Charlotte, who was leaning on her school locker. "If Chas has consumption, do you think he could move a garret in Paris, become a starving poet, make friends with a painter, fall in love with a seamstress, and cry like a baby after she dies right in front of him?"

Confused, Drew replied, "I have no idea what you're talkin' about, Charlotte."

And Stu, who was equally confused, added, "Yeah, me neither."

Frustrated, Charlotte groaned, "Boys! They're never cultured!"

* * *

During the stage rehearsal of _Wind in the Willows_, the students were getting into their costumes. Drew had put on his water rat costume, and Melinda had put on her jailer's daughter costume.

"This is gonna be great!" cried Melinda.

"Yeah, sure," said Chas shakily. The poor kid's confidence had worn off since he was diagnosed with asthma. The fact that he saw Drew dusting off his willow costume didn't help him.

"Here you go, Finster," said Drew as he handed Chas the willow costume. "It's all safe now."

* * *

The next day, during class, Drew spontaneously asked, "Hey, has anyone seen my penicillin… I mean, pencil and pen?"

The entire class gave Drew weird looks, none of them knowing why he said "penicillin" in the first place.

* * *

And during recess, Drew was crawling on the ground, faking an asthma attack as he wheezed, "Can't breathe! Tell the nurse! I think I have plasma!"

"Don't you mean asthma?" asked Chas, who was sitting on a swing.

Then Drew got up and grumbled, "Oh, stupid word—too many consonants all smooshed together!"

* * *

That afternoon, after school, Stu, Drew, and Melinda spied on Chas, who was at the nurse's office taking his asthma medication via an inhaler.

"You really think he's faking it, Drew?" asked Stu. "Nobody can fake a cough that bad."

"Well, he is!" said Drew. "He's faking it to go home early. See? He's playing the kazoo."

"Um, that's an inhaler," said Melinda. "I think he's taking medicine to help him breathe."

"What do you know, Cavanaugh?" snapped Drew at Melinda. "You don't have what Finster's got, although you might."

"I doubt it. I think he can be cured of it."

"Let's hope so, Melinda," said Stu.

But little did his friends know that Chas overheard their conversation, and he felt even less confident.

* * *

Not long afterward, during another rehearsal, Chas dropped by to speak with Drew and Melinda. He said to them, "Great news, guys! I'm cured!"

Melinda was pleasantly surprised. "Really? Are you sure?" she asked.

"Yeah! Could I do this if I had asthma?" And as he put on his willow costume, Chas smelled its wooden aroma deeply. "Ahh… the sweet scent of wood! It must have dust in it! I haven't worn it in a few days."

"So you don't have to use that kazoo anymore?" asked Drew.

"Nope."

"Good. Now I don't have to worry about catchin' asthma or consumption."

Chas was confused. "Consumption? What are you talking about?"

"Never mind," said Drew.

* * *

But the next day, during recess, Chas, having skipped his appointment with the school nurse, was playing kickball with Stu, Drew, Betty, Howard, and Melinda.

"Ah, kickball," said Stu. "The one sport no kid should have to miss out on."

"Pitch that sucker, Finster!" shouted Drew very rudely to Chas.

"No _decent_ kid, that is," grumbled Chas.

And so, he pitched the kickball and sent it in Drew's direction. As Drew kicked the ball and ran across the bases, however, he kicked up a large cloud of dust until he was caught by Howard, who was standing at second base and placed the ball he had caught on Drew's head. "You're out!" he cried.

"Hooray!" Chas cried. Then he began to dance until he started coughing from the dust. "That's one… to nothing…" he wheezed.

Stu, Drew, Melinda, Betty, and Howard quietly surrounded Chas and looked at him sympathetically.

"Are you okay, Chas?" asked Betty.

"Maybe we should go get the nurse," said Melinda.

"I'm fine…" gasped Chas. "I just need a drink of water. That's all…"

But Melinda felt sorry for Chas, and she walked him to the nurse's office.

* * *

There, Chas took his asthma medication by spraying it into his mouth from his inhaler. After taking a deep breath, he sighed, "Ahh… that's much better."

"It's important to take your medicine," said the nurse.

"Thanks, ma'am," Chas replied.

As soon as Chas left the nurse's office, he saw Melinda standing by the door. She asked him. "Charles, why did you skip your appointment?"

Chas replied, "I didn't want you guys to know about it. Drew's especially been acting really weird."

"Do you think maybe he doesn't understand?"

"Maybe…"

Presently, Chas got an idea. The teacher having assigned him and his classmates to do a science project, Chas cried out, "That's it! I know just what to do my science project on!"

* * *

And so, on the day before the play, all of Chas' classmates presented their science projects, with Drew doing his on static electricity: "As you can see, the comb, once run through your hair very rapidly, is able to pick up little pieces of paper. And that's an example of static electricity. Thanks for the opportunity."

And as the students clapped, the teacher said, "Excellent report, Andrew. Next up we have Charles Finster's report."

Chas stepped up and spoke: "My science report is about asthma. But first I need you to imagine that you're very, very small."

And so, all of Chas' classmates closed their eyes and imagined that they were microscopic in size. They then heard Chas say, "Very good. Now I want you all up my nose on the double!"

As Chas began to breathe through his nose, his classmates imagined that they were all sucked in with the fresh air.

Drew said to himself, "Wow! I don't think I've ever been in anyone's lungs before!"

"Me neither!" said Melinda.

"So, where is the asthma?" asked Drew. "Is it a giant bug that'll attack us? Will it make you cough up blood?"

Soon, the fourth graders heard Chas' high-pitched voice: "No, no, asthma is just a word for what happens to my lungs when I breathe in dust or mold. See the dust particles? Now, the walls are getting smaller! This is when I usually start to cough! Hold on!"

And sooner than the fourth graders knew it, Chas started to cough, and he coughed them all up!

When Chas' classmates opened their eyes, they were back in the classroom.

"And the best part is," said Chas, "unlike consumption, asthma is not contagious."

As he finished, his classmates all applauded.

The teacher was impressed, and he said, "Excellent insight on your asthma report, Charles! Another 'A' for you!"

* * *

The next day, the fourth-grade class staged _Wind in the Willows_. Among the other students, Drew was the Water Rat, Melinda was the Jailer's Daughter, and Chas… was the willow, but he was a good sport about it. In fact, at the end of the play, _all_ of the fourth graders stepped forth to receive the curtain calls, from Daniel Gallagher as Mr. Toad to Chas Finster as the willow tree.

Learning that he had asthma was a sorrow for young Charles Finster, but with the help of friends like Stu, Drew, Howard, Didi, Betty, and especially Melinda, he came to realize that his asthma wasn't such a big deal anymore. For the rest of his childhood, he would still be the same old Chas Finster, but with asthma.


	14. Ripped Pants

_During a kickball game, Charles' pants split, but will his friends be able to help him avoid his aunt Muriel Finster and her needle?_

_Inspired by the "Recess" episode "Mikey's Pants"_

Not long after the fourth-grade play, Chas had gotten used to taking his asthma medication. In fact, one day, during recess, he was able to play kickball again with his friends Melinda, Stu, Didi, and Betty, as well as Drew.

During a game, Betty was on home base when Stu pitched the ball so she could kick it. Once she had done so, in spite of Drew's efforts to send her out, Betty stole third and went home, to the cheers of Stu, Didi, and Melinda!

Back on the sidelines, Howard was teaching himself how to knit, Charlotte was playing with her doll, and Chas was using his inhaler to prepare for his turn in the game.

"You know, Chas," said Howard, "I'll never understand how your asthma can treat you with so little regard for your feelings."

"It's a mystery, Howard," Chas replied, "but now, I'm ready for the game!"

And so, Chas stepped up to the outfield, so he could catch the ball and get Drew out, since it was now Drew's turn to kick the ball and try to go home.

And Drew yelled at Stu, "We wanna pitcher, not a belly-itcher!"

Stu glared as Drew as he pitched the ball at his older brother. And as soon as Drew kicked the ball, the other kids—Melinda, Didi, Betty, and Chas—scrambled for the ball.

"I got it! I got it!" cried Chas as he ran for the ball and tried to pick it up from off the ground.

Maybe it was a growth spurt, maybe he had had too much for breakfast that morning, or maybe it was just his time, because as Chas bent over to pick up the kickball… he heard a rip!

Since no one except his friends were around, Chas promptly stood up and covered the seat of his brown pants with his hands.

"I thought you were gonna get the ball, Charles," said Melinda.

"I can't," cried Chas.

"Oh, brother!" groaned Drew. "This isn't gonna be some gobbledygook about being scared of the ball, is it?"

"No, it's…" Chas replied, then whispered, "I think I ripped my pants."

Didi said, "I'm sorry, Charles. I didn't hear you. Could you repeat that a little louder, please?"

"I think I ripped my pants…" said Chas a little louder, but not too loud to be overheard.

"Huh?" asked Betty, who also couldn't hear Chas.

And Howard cried out, "He said he thinks he ripped his p…"

But Stu promptly covered his mouth and said, "Quietly, Howard! Quietly. The proper steps should be taken quickly, or things will get really, really bad. All right, let's get Chas somewhere we can think. That means you, Charlotte, must see how bad the rip is."

Charlotte sighed to herself, "The fates must be testing me by harboring this fashion reject."

And so, Stu, Didi, Drew, Charlotte, Betty, Howard, and Melinda surrounded Chas and led him to the dumpster.

* * *

There, all of Chas' friends looked at the rip in his pants.

"How bad is it?" asked Chas.

Charlotte replied, "Bad, Chas. It's a full-seam classic split, right between the pockets."

"Unlike Charlotte, I'm no fashion expert," said Betty, "but what could be worse than rippin' your pants at school?"

"I'm doomed!" Chas cried out in panic.

"Calm down, Charles," said Melinda. "It can easily be remedied. We could phone your mom and have her bring a replacement pair of pants."

But Chas said, "But my parents are out of town and won't be home 'till after school!"

"Oh, that is bad!" cried Melinda as she winced in sympathy.

"And what if my Aunt Muriel gets to me first? I could get taken back to her office and sewed up! Oh, I can't deal with that! It'd be the most embarrassing thing that could happen to me since my mom showed you my baby photos!"

"Don't remind us!" groaned Drew.

"Listen, Charles," said Melinda as she approached the red-haired, freckle-faced boy. "We're all gonna help you get by."

"But how, Melinda?" asked Chas.

"I don't know, but we'll think of something."

"Well, you'd better think fast," said Stu. "'Cause here comes Miss Finster!"

"And she's got a sewing look in her eyes," added Betty.

Chas shuddered, but Melinda placed her hand on his shoulder and said, "Don't worry, Charles. Whatever we do, we cannot and will not let your Aunt Muriel find out about your pants!"

"Melinda's right," said Stu to the other kids. "Come on, guys! Cover!"

And Stu, Didi, Drew, Charlotte, Betty, Howard, and Melinda again surrounded Chas and led him away from the dumpster.

* * *

Now, back in Chas' grade-school years, Miss Muriel P. Finster was a much more amiable young lady than she would be thirty years later. The problem was, whenever she sensed that a kid had ripped his pants, she would become overenthusiastic about sewing them up.

And so, she raised her head and said to herself, "Someone's up to something. I can sense it…"

* * *

"Gee, thanks for bailing me out, you guys," said Chas to his friends.

"Thank us when the job's done," Stu replied. "I gotta feeling this one's just beginning."

Presently, four passing first-grade boys, Didi's own classmates, wearing paper hats were arguing with each other.

"We got ya now!" cried one boy.

"No way! We got _you_ now!" cried another.

"Loser!"

"Loser more!"

"Scram, ya dumb first graders!" shouted Drew.

Annoyed, Didi remarked, "Drew! These are my classmates!"

Presently, Melinda said, "Heads up, Charles! There's your Aunt Muriel!"

Upon seeing his Aunt Muriel, Chas cried, "Hide me!"

Once Stu, Drew, Didi, Betty, and Melinda shushed him, Chas whispered, "Hide me."

"Easy there, big bro," said Stu. "It's essential that we remain calm. Do not cause a stir."

"But what about my pants?" asked Chas.

As Didi observed her classmates walking around with the paper hats on their heads, she said, "Hey, I got an idea. If my classmates can make hats out of newspaper, we could make our big brother some shorts to cover the rip, like origami."

"You know, Deed," Stu replied, "you're a genius."

* * *

Meanwhile, Miss Finster stopped by the dumpster and saw, in her own words: "A piece of fabric. These fibers have jagged split ends, which means someone has ripped their pants! It falls to me, Muriel P. Finster, to find that person and mend those pants!"

And with a big grin, Miss Finster scoured the playground for a kid with split pants.

* * *

Meanwhile, Didi had folded the principal's newspaper to create shorts that were just the right size for Chas' skinny frame.

"You know," said Charlotte, "we could just turn Chas in to his aunt."

"Whose side are you on, Charlotte?!" cried Drew.

Then, as Chas tried on his newspaper shorts, Didi said to Stu, "I hope Principal Solomon doesn't miss his newspaper."

"Relax, Deed," Stu replied. "We left him the funnies."

Betty then said to Chas, "Okay, buddy. Let's see how they look."

Chas looked at his shorts and said, "Why, they're just the right length for shorts!"

"I knew these would work," said Didi.

"Yeah, who knew they'd look so sporty!" declared Betty.

"Good call, Betty," said Stu. "Now, let's go play some kickball."

But as Chas and the others ran for the kickball field, Betty ran through a puddle and accidentally sprayed Chas—and his newspaper shorts—with water, causing the paper shorts to fall off.

"Oops," said Betty.

"That was unfortunate," said Didi.

"What do ya mean, Deed?"

"I don't think those pants are washable."

"Then what are we gonna do?" asked Chas.

Stu replied, "I'm thinkin'! I'm thinkin'!"

Presently, Drew cried, "Well, I hope you can think on the run, 'cause we got Finster's aunt at 6 o'clock!"

And Chas, Melinda, Stu, Didi, Betty, Howard, Drew, and Charlotte all ran from Miss Finster, who approached the discarded newspaper, picked it up, and read it.

"Land sakes!" she cried out. "I'm reading shorts! Someone is trying to jerry rig some sort of a patch! Definitely a child… perhaps on the slight side… Could it be Chas, my nephew?"

* * *

Meanwhile, Chas and his friends were all perched up a tree.

"Phew! That was close!" sighed Stu.

"But what are you gonna do about my pants?" asked Chas.

Drew added, "Yeah, Finster definitely needs something with more support than origami shorts!"

"But what?"

Melinda thought about it, then, upon seeing some kindergartners holding their papier-mâché sculptures of animals, she got an idea.

"That's it!" she exclaimed. "Papier-mâché!"

* * *

And so, within a few moments, Melinda had gathered some newspaper, glue, and water. Then, she dipped the newspaper strips into the diluted glue, wrapped them around Chas' waist, and waited for them to dry.

"Well, Charles, how do you look?" asked Melinda with a smile.

Unsure of himself, Chas replied, "I look like I just crushed my pelvis!"

"Nothing a little paint can't do," said Drew as he carried a can of brown paint and a paintbrush to Chas' papier-mâché patch.

Chas looked at the paint and said, "It looks like you matched the color of the original. And am I dry yet?"

Stu tapped the papier-mâché and said, "As a bone."

"Good ol' quick-drying papier-mâché!" said Melinda.

And Charlotte said to Drew, "Go ahead! Paint away, Marcello!"

And Drew began to paint. "You know, Charlotte," he said, "this sorta reminds me of my first-grade volcano science project."

But soon, Drew dropped his brush.

"Don't worry, Drew," said Chas. "I'll get it!" But as soon as he stooped down to get the brush, the papier-mâché broke off his pants.

"Reminds me ever _more_ of my first-grade volcano science project," said Drew.

"This is bad. Let's move," said Stu as he and the others surrounded Chas and led him elsewhere.

But Miss Finster was not far behind. She saw the broken papier-mâché and inspected it. Then, she said with a smile, "Whoa! It looks like seven or eight kids tried to make a papier-mâché patch for the kid who ripped his pants! I must be getting warm!"

* * *

Back at the dumpster, the janitor had rolled an empty pickle barrel from the cafeteria. When Chas and the others saw this, Betty said, "Hey, Charlotte! You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

Charlotte asked, "That we should allow Miss Finster to sew up Chas' pants?"

"No way! That'd be treachery!" cried Betty. "What I'm thinkin' about the classic barrel pants! Believe me, I saw it in a cartoon once."

And she went to the barrel and, seeing that one end was already open, busted out the other end. When Chas saw this, he picked up the barrel, was handed two stretchy bands by Howard, and attached the bands to one end of the barrel before putting it on.

"You know, these just might catch on," said Chas. "They feel nice and cozy."

"Glad you like them, Charles," said Melinda.

But after Chas and his friends had gone a ways, from the dumpster to the top of a hill, Chas tripped over a tree root and rolled down the hill until he crashed into another tree, causing his barrel pants to break.

"And there's the classic downside of barrel pants," sighed Charlotte.

Stu, Didi, Betty, Drew, and Melinda promptly approached Chas as he lay in the ruins of his barrel pants.

"Are you okay, Finster?" asked Drew.

"I… I'm fine," panted Chas.

Then, holding onto his red blanket, Stu said, "I have another idea of how to cover up the rip."

* * *

In no time, Stu had tied his blanket over the rip in Chas' pants.

"I don't know, Stu," said Chas.

And for once, Drew agreed. "Are you sure this'll work?" he asked Stu.

Stu nodded confidently.

"Way to think fast, Stu!" said Betty.

But Melinda said to Chas, "But you can't walk around with a second grader's blanket over your pants all day."

"I know," sighed Chas. "But what else can I wear?"

"We gotta find something that doesn't tear," said Drew.

With that, Charlotte got an idea: "I know just the garment for you!"

* * *

After a moment, Chas was fitted with a plaid garment with a fur pouch in the front.

"I don't get it, Charlotte," said Melinda as she saw that Chas was obviously embarrassed. "You're making Charles wear a skirt?"

"The correct term is 'kilt,'" Charlotte replied. "Unlike boys' pants, a Scottish kilt cannot rip whenever its wearer bends down to pick up something."

And Chas inadvertently demonstrated this when he saw a ball of discarded paper on the ground, picked it up, and went to a trash can to throw it away.

"See?"

"Charlotte, you're a genius!" said Drew.

"You know, Chas," said Stu, "I think your kilt might catch on among other boys when they see how convenient they are."

Chas smiled and said, "You're right, Stu."

And so, he went along the way with his friends.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the edge of the forest, Miss Finster was inspecting the broken barrel.

"Barrel pants…" she said to herself as Chas and his friends passed by her.

But pretty soon, Chas got to a nearby vent on the blacktop, which flipped up his kilt and exposed the rip in his pants to his aunt Muriel.

"Chazzy!" cried Miss Finster as she cheerfully ran after her nephew.

"RUN!" cried Drew.

And so, Chas, Melinda, Stu, Didi, Drew, Charlotte, Howard, and Betty all ran from Miss Finster and hid in a nearby hole.

"Now, where did they go?" asked Miss Finster.

Meanwhile, in the hole, Howard said to Charlotte, "Gee, Charlotte. There seems to be a design flaw in your skirt."

Charlotte corrected Howard: "Kilt!"

Howard winced at that.

Then, Drew said, "I don't know who has it worse now: us boys or you girls?"

"Um, how long do we have to hide in this hole?" asked Chas.

Melinda replied, "I don't know, Charles, but it's your only hope of avoiding the needle and the shame."

"I still say we should let Miss Finster sew up Chas' pants," said Charlotte.

"Hush your mouth, Charlotte!" whispered Drew.

"Come on, Charlotte," said Stu. "We gotta lay low for a while. It's only until recess is over."

"Yeah, how could Miss Finster possibly find us in this hole?" asked Betty.

Presently, the eight friends heard Miss Finster speak through her bullhorn: "Charles Finster! Come to Aunt Muriel! I know about your pants!"

Chas sighed, "Well, guys. Looks like this is it. Charlotte, do your worst."

"No way!" said Melinda. "We've come too far and made too many pants to give you up now, Charles!"

But they heard Miss Finster say, "Come on out, Chas. Come on."

"Uh… give us a minute?" asked Chas with a sheepish smile.

Then, he curled himself up into a ball and cried out, "Looks like I got no choice now."

Stu sighed, "I'm sorry you have to go through this huge embarrassment alone."

Presently, Melinda got an idea: "Wait, that's it!" And soon, she whispered something into Stu and Drew's ears.

Both Stu and Drew gasped.

"Are you sure you want us to do that, Melinda?" asked Stu.

Melinda replied, "It's the only way."

"Okay, then."

Outside the hole, Miss Finster was waiting for her nephew as a group of children surrounded the hole, hoping to get a glimpse of Chas' underwear. But to Miss Finster's surprise, not only did Chas emerge from the hole, but so did Stu and Drew.

"What's going on?" asked Miss Finster.

"Miss Finster, our trousers are torn, and we need them repaired," said Stu as he and Drew revealed their own pants, torn at the seat to expose the underwear.

As Howard and the girls lifted their heads from the hole, Drew explained to them, "Stu and I ripped our own pants, so Finster won't have to go it alone."

Miss Finster looked at the three boys and said, "Well, follow me, then."

And as Chas, Stu, and Drew followed her to her office, all the other kids stared in amazement at the Pickles brothers' act of courage. Soon, everyone, from the youngest kindergartner to the sixth-grade king of the playground, showed respect for all three boys.

And Charlotte said to the others, "I told you we should have turned Chas over to his aunt."

* * *

In her office, Miss Finster was sewing up Chas' pants with her sewing machine as Chas, Stu, and Drew were all shivering from the cold.

"Th-th-th-thanks, g-g-g-guys," said Chas.

"F-f-f-f-f-forget about it," Stu replied.

Ripped pants can be a sorrow for a kid like young Charles Finster, but thanks to the courageous acts of friends like Stu and Drew, Chas didn't have to go through the embarrassment alone.


	15. How the Cavanaugh Saved Christmas

_As the holiday season approaches, Charles is dreading yet another disappointing and forgettable Christmas. Sympathizing with his plight, Melinda and Stu hatch a plan to liven things up by buying him some great presents (to replace the lame ones his mom has picked out). Meanwhile, Marvin and Muriel end up stuck in New York after trying to fly home from Europe._

_Inspired by the "All Grown Up" episode "The Finster Who Stole Christmas"_

"_Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel,  
Born is the King of Israel._"

'Twas December of 1966. Christmas vacation was about to begin.

In the fourth-grade classroom, Melinda thought, "Oh, boy! Only one more minute until Christmas vacation starts! I can't wait to decorate the Christmas tree, make the gingerbread house, and drink eggnog with my dad! Things may be hard this year, what with mommy still in the hospital, but I'm sure I'll be a big help for daddy."

Soon enough, the school bell rang.

"Three-thirty already?" said the fourth-grade teacher. "Right, then. Happy Christmas, children."

And the children all rushed out with joy, except for Chas, who smiled nervously as he said to himself, "Oh, boy."

* * *

As Chas was walking with his friends Melinda, Stu, Didi, Betty, Howard, and Charlotte on the way home, the kids were all discussing their plans for the holidays.

"So, what are you planning for Christmas, Betty?" asked Melinda.

Betty replied, "I'm gonna sing with the choir at the church as our featured tenor soloist sings songs like 'Silent Night' and 'The First Noel.' What about you, Charlotte?"

Charlotte said, "I'm gonna go Christmas shopping with my mom at the mall. What about you, Howard?"

Howard said, "My mom's gonna teach me how to cook up a Christmas dinner, with turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, pumpkin pie, and everything."

Melinda chuckled, "Sounds like your mom's already into the holiday spirit! And you, Didi?"

Didi replied, "My parents, Ben, and I already celebrated Chanukah, so we'll be eating out at a Chinese restaurant while you guys celebrate Christmas. I'll also be celebrating my birthday, which comes two days after Christmas."

"What about you, Melinda?" asked Betty.

Melinda replied, "You know how my daddy is with Christmas. He'll prop up a big, green Christmas tree, while I help him make the gingerbread house, and we both drink eggnog together. This year won't be the same with my mommy in the hospital, but it's still gonna be a merry Christmas indeed. I love Christmas!"

"Say, Stu, what happened to your arm?" asked Chas, who had noticed that Stu had his right arm in a cast.

Stu replied, "Got it when Drew and I were holding a puppet show at the church. It was a fiasco. Drew broke my arm, and I gave him a shiner in return."

"Wow!" gasped Chas in awe.

Then, Chas thought to himself, "Even if Melinda's mom is dead, and Stu's arm is in a cast, they'll both still have a better Christmas than I ever had."

Melinda said, "So, Drew's picking out a Christmas tree, Betty will be decking the halls, and Didi will have some Chinese turkey. What are your folks planning for the holidays, Charles?"

Chas sighed, "Oh, the usual: high expectations met by crushing disappointment."

As Chas returned home, Melinda and Stu looked at each other sympathetically and decided to follow him there.

* * *

At the Finster residence, Chas was watching some home movies with Melinda and Stu. The first of these showed an infant Chas on Christmas 1957, hugging an old and worn teddy bear that he had just received, only for the poor teddy to lose all its stuffing during the embrace. When baby Chas saw this, he began to cry as his mother Shirley rushed over to comfort him.

As nine-year-old Chas watched with his two best friends, he said, "It's amazing. Nine years of Finster Christmases, each one more depressing than the last."

Chas was able to prove it by showing a film from Christmas 1959, where Chas was two years old and he was riding a rusty tricycle that fell apart completely and almost immediately on its maiden voyage. Again, two-year-old Chas burst into tears on the floor as Shirley rushed over to comfort him.

Nine-year-old Chas shook his head as Stu said, "Oh, come on. Lighten up, Chas. Whatever gift you might get your mom, she's gonna love it!"

Chas then showed Stu and Melinda his Christmas 1962 home movie, where Chas, at five years old and in kindergarten, received a pop gun that looked like a real gun. Delighted and not realizing that it had already been used, five-year-old Chas decided to try it out on an imaginary target, only for it to fall apart irreparably upon its initial use, reducing him to a sobbing wreck as, again, Shirley rushed over to comfort him.

As the three children watched, Melinda asked Chas, "So when's your dad coming back from Europe with your Aunt Muriel?"

"Christmas Eve, just in time for the church service," said Chas. "I don't know what it is about my mom and Christmas."

"Yeah," said Stu. "Your birthday, awesome!"

"Your old lady's a maniac for Thanksgiving," added Melinda.

"But Christmas?" said Chas, after which he blew a raspberry for emphasis. "For once, I'd like to have a big fancy celebration like everyone else! But you know what she'd say? 'Christmas starts with family and ends with family.'"

"Maybe if you got better presents," said Melinda. "Those are some of the sorriest Christmas gifts I've ever seen a kid get."

"Rubber gloves?" asked Stu, bewildered.

"Tongue depressor?" asked Melinda, who was equally as bewildered.

Chas gazed at the home movie and replied, "Now that you say it, I've gotten worse gifts than that. Why, I remember that one Christmas where I always wanted a choo-choo, but all I got was our Christmas dinner: five pounds of veal. And I was four years old! If all you get is a lousy gift, you're not gonna spring for the Christmas dinner, and if you skip on the dinner, why even bother with the _Bell Telephone Hour_ Christmas special? It all makes sense now. Nine years of bad presents…"

"Nine years of bad Christmases," Stu replied.

"Good thing I figured that out before it was too late!" exclaimed Chas with a smile.

"Why? When's your mom going Christmas shopping?" asked Stu.

"Tomorrow," sighed Chas. "And she'll probably buy me a lame Christmas gift."

Melinda then placed her hand on Chas' shoulder as she said, "Don't worry, Charles. Stu and I will go Christmas shopping with your mom, while you stay with my dad and help him around the house."

"Great!" shouted Chas. "'Cause what I want for Christmas is a sled that's infected with the holiday spirit… and not termites."

* * *

The next day, Melinda and Stu had persuaded Shirley to let them go Christmas shopping with her, and Shirley agreed, letting Chas stay behind at the Cavanaugh residence while she was away.

"Are you sure you can handle everything, Christopher?" asked Shirley. "Charles can be quite a handful."

"Of course, ma'am," Christopher replied. "He can help me around the house."

"Okay," said Shirley. Then, she said to Chas, "See you later, Charles."

"See ya, mom," Chas replied, waving as his mother drove off to the mall with Melinda and Stu in tow.

* * *

A little later, Shirley was leading Melinda and Stu through what appeared to be a blizzard… which was caused by an artificial snow machine in the middle of the mall.

"Well, where to, children?" asked Shirley.

"To the sporting equipment store!" said Melinda and Stu together.

"Oh?" Shirley was more than a bit surprised at the two children's suggestion, but she decided to follow them into the sporting equipment store.

There, Melinda showed Chas' mother a sturdy and handsome sled. When the owner of the store saw this, he said, "Here she is, top of the lot! This wooden toboggan is as smooth and sleek as a pond of thick ice. Made of birch and glazed over with varnish, it's guaranteed to last for many years to come! Take a whiff!"

Shirley smelled the sled and said, "Oh, wow! Any nine-year-old boy would love it! But not my nine-year-old boy. Got anything less expensive?"

Melinda and Stu moaned with frustration.

"We've got some nice kiddie sleds," said the store owner.

"Come on, Mrs. Finster," said Melinda. "The toboggan's a great deal!"

"It's like buying in bulk!" added Stu. "Chas tells us that you like to buy in bulk!"

"Well, yeah, but only flour, eggs, milk, and sugar," Shirley replied.

As Shirley, Melinda, and Stu left the sporting equipment store and went to the bedtime store, Shirley explained, "Christmas isn't about the presents. It's about being together. You know what I always say to Charles?"

Melinda and Stu sighed and said together, "Christmas starts with family and ends with family."

Only a brief moment later, Shirley saw an entire table with bunny onesie pajamas on it. "How much for one of these?" she asked the owner of the bedtime store. "I'd like to buy one for my son."

"How old is your son? Four years old?" asked the store owner.

Melinda and Stu groaned together.

Shirley then saw a saccharine pink bunny pajama suit. "Oh, how much is this cutie?" she asked.

"Twenty bucks," said the store owner.

"But Charles is nine years old!" protested Melinda.

The store owner sighed, "Fifteen."

Shirley whispered to Melinda and Stu, "If we come back after lunch and say Charles is twelve, it'll be down to ten."

"Thank you!" she said to the store owner, much to Stu and Melinda's chagrin.

* * *

At the food court, Shirley had set herself down to eat, while Melinda and Stu discussed her poor choice of Christmas gift.

"Poor Charles," said Melinda. "Christmas is ruined forever."

Stu added, "Yeah, I wish there was something we can do to make Christmas extra special for Chas."

"You're right, Stu. We must convince Shirley that a toboggan is the best Christmas gift for Charles, but how?"

After thinking about it for a moment, Melinda and Stu cried out at the same time, "Hey! I got an idea!"

"No, no, you go first," said Melinda.

"No, no, you," said Stu.

"Okay, I was thinking," said Melinda, "why don't we dress up as Santa Claus? You can be the top half, and I'll be the bottom half."

"Why the bottom half?" asked Stu.

"Because I'm older than you."

"Good point. Anyway, there's a costume store near this mall, so I'll go get a Santa costume for the both of us!"

"Okay, but hurry."

And so, Stu stepped outside to get to the costume store to buy a Santa costume. But soon, just before he entered the costume store, he found that, at a nearby house, there was a beautiful toboggan leaning by a trash can.

Stu thought to himself, "They're throwing out this toboggan? They're wasting a perfectly good sled, the poor thing."

And Stu rushed for the toboggan, picked it up, and took it to the mall with him.

But just after Stu had left, the man of the house looked around and said to his wife, "Honey, where's the sled our son wanted for Christmas?"

* * *

Back at the food court, Melinda was waiting patiently for Stu when Shirley asked, "Where's Stu? We can't get those bunny pajamas without him."

Presently, both Shirley and Melinda were surprised to see Stu carrying the toboggan on his shoulders, which was an even more amazing feat since Stu's writing arm was in a cast.

"Wow!" gasped Shirley. "That toboggan is beautiful, Stu! Where did you get it? It must have cost an eight-year-old boy like you a fortune!"

Stu replied, "Are you kidding? They were practically giving it away!"

Melinda exclaimed, "Wow! This _is_ the perfect gift for a nine-year-old! Don't you think so, Mrs. Finster?"

Shirley replied, almost at a loss for words, "I… I don't know. It doesn't quite seem like a bargain sled. I mean, it's so… so…"

"Durable?" said Stu as he knocked on the wooden toboggan to prove that it was excellent-quality.

"Charles just wants to have himself a merry little Christmas this year," said Melinda. "If you don't like it…"

"No! No! It's wonderful, children. I just want to say, thank you," Shirley said with a smile.

And Stu and Melinda returned her smile.

* * *

That evening, after Shirley returned home with Melinda and Stu, Chas was at Melinda's house to greet them. All around her, Melinda could see the Cavanaugh residence all dolled up for Christmas. The halls had been decked with boughs of holly, the Christmas tree, with lovely green branches, was spruced up with glass ornaments, twinkling lights, and a shining star on top, the gingerbread house looked delicious, and Melinda's father was already prepping up the figgy pudding.

"Wow, Charles!" gasped Melinda. "It's beautiful! Thank you for helping my daddy to decorate."

"What can I say?" Chas replied. "Thanks to you and Stu, I'm full of Christmas spirit this year. By the way, what are you and Stu gonna get me for Christmas?"

Melinda whispered, "It's a surprise."

Upon hearing this, Chas sported a big grin, feeling that, for once, his Christmas wouldn't be so lousy.

Outside the Cavanaugh household, however, while Stu was watching Chas and Melinda conversing with each other, he overheard Betty talking with Charlotte.

Betty said, "Say, Charlotte, didn't you hear about the sled that was stolen this afternoon?"

"Where?" asked Charlotte.

"Right in front of a house near the mall."

"Stolen?" asked Stu to himself, with more than a hint of alarm.

Betty continued explaining to Charlotte: "Yep, the Jenkins, home of Jim Jenkins, my classmate. Guess Jim is one kid that won't be having a merry Christmas this year."

Charlotte was miffed. "What kind of person steals a Christmas gift from a second grader?! Only a sicko!"

Stu shuddered to hear this.

Betty said, "I say we ask our parents to double up on our neighborhood watch! Flush him out of town like the vermin they are!"

Poor Stu felt sick to his stomach as Melinda emerged from her house and approached him.

"Stu, what's the matter?" asked Melinda.

Stu whispered everything into Melinda's ear.

Shocked, Melinda gasped, "You stole a sled?!"

Stu cried out, "I didn't know! Help me, Melinda! I don't wanna get flushed outta town! I like this town! I like my mom and my dad!" But then, Stu lightened up and said, "Wait, if I thought they were throwing it out, then it wasn't really stealing."

"It wasn't?" asked Melinda.

"Sure," Stu replied. "All we gotta do is tell Chas' mom what happened and take it back."

"Yeah, I'm sure she'll understand. She didn't seem to like it that much anyway."

And as Chas returned to his house across the street, Melinda and Stu followed him.

* * *

But as soon as Melinda and Stu got into the Finster residence, they found that the sled was gone.

"Whoa!" said Stu with amazement. "Do you think she gave it back already?"

But soon, Shirley saw the two kids and said, "Oh, Melinda! Stu! I'm so glad you two came!"

"Good, 'cause Melinda and I wanna tell you something." said Stu.

"Oh, sure, just let me show you where Charles' sled is."

And Shirley led Melinda and Stu to a closet, whereupon she opened the door and showed the two children the sled that Stu had inadvertently stolen.

"Now, don't tell Charles, but he's in for a pleasant surprise this year. Don't you recall how, at the mall, we bought new Christmas ornaments and decorations? We bought an excellent Christmas tree, good tinsel, ingredients for gingerbread, and gallons of eggnog!"

"But, Mrs. Finster," said Stu, "you always told Chas that Christmas starts and ends with family."

Presently, the oven timer indicated that the gingerbread was done. "Oh, is that the gingerbread?" said Shirley as she went for the oven.

"You're baking cookies?"

"No, houses! A whole gingerbread town, right down to the emergency hospital!"

After taking out the gingerbread and leaving it to cool, Shirley, seeing that Chas had come down from upstairs, took out a string of lights and wrapped it around the tree, saying, "You children ready to see true Christmas spirit?"

Melinda and Stu nodded tentatively, and Shirley plugged in the lights, which twinkled to the tune of "Angels We Have Heard on High."

Chas looked up and gasped with delight, "Wow!"

"So, Stu," said Shirley, "is there something you wanted to tell me?"

Stu replied, "I… uh… I…"

Chas replied, "I wish Dad and Aunt Muriel were here to see this!"

"Of course, they'll see it, Charles," said Shirley. "They should be getting on their plane right now. Oh, Charles, this is gonna be the best Christmas!"

And Chas started laughing with joy.

Stu saw how happy Chas was and couldn't bear to break the news to either him or Shirley. He couldn't bear to ruin Chas' Christmas… or to make himself out as a thief.

* * *

Meanwhile, Marvin Finster and his sister Muriel were at an airport in Paris, where "Bring a Torch, Jeannette, Isabelle" was playing on the PA system.

"What do you mean we're bumped?" asked Miss Finster.

The French airline rep replied, "Ze flight is full. You two were bumped." Then, he called, "En suivant!"

"But we bought these round-trip tickets back in America three months ago!"

"Oui, but you will miss your first flight, which means you were on standby for zis flight, which means you are bumped. En suivant!"

Marvin was mad. "Muriel, they can't get away with that!"

Muriel soothed her younger brother by saying, "There, there, Marv. Getting mad never solves anything. We'll just wait for the next flight."

As Muriel went to the waiting room, the French airline rep said, "Merci beaucoup for _almost_ flying from Paris. Service here is job numéro un!"

And Marvin groaned with frustration as he followed his older sister.

* * *

Back in America, Stu was moping on the curb while Melinda was eating some gingerbread.

"I couldn't do it to him, Melinda," moaned Stu. "Chas was enjoying his Christmas for once, and his mom bought new decorations!"

"Wow!" said Melinda between bites. "This gingerbread tastes better than my dad's! Compliments to Mrs. Finster!"

Once she had finished the gingerbread, though, Melinda said, "But seriously, Stu, you're right. How _can_ you live with yourself knowing another kid's gonna have a bad Christmas?"

Stu sighed ruefully, "Because we wanted Chas to have chestnuts roasting on an open fire and visions of sugarplums dancing in his head."

"We could just buy the Jenkins another sled for Jim."

"Then, we could dress up as Santa, you holding me on your shoulders, and deliver the sled to the Jenkins residence."

"But, wait, aren't sleds like those mega-bucks?"

"Not when you've been trained in the Pickles school of Christmas shopping. Trust me, we'll have that store owner begging us to get that toboggan off his hands."

* * *

Sure enough, Melinda and Stu were able to get to the mall, buy the toboggan at twenty dollars, and carry it to the costume store, where they also purchased a Santa suit.

With Stu perched on Melinda's shoulders and dressed in the Santa suit, the two children were carrying the toboggan to the Jenkins residence.

"I can't believe you saved up all year for that money!" said Melinda.

"Including my share of the money my friends and I made off of selling lemonade last summer," added Stu. "Believe me, it'll all be worth it, knowing that Jim from my second-grade class will get the sled he wanted Christmas morning."

Unfortunately, Melinda ended up tripping over a rock in the middle of the street, so she and Stu toppled over with the toboggan.

"Wow!" gasped Stu. "It's a wonder I didn't break my other arm! At least, the sled's okay."

But then, Melinda noticed a truck coming in their direction, and, seeing that Stu was struggling to get up, pushed him out of the way, sacrificing the toboggan to save Stu's life!

"Wow! Melinda, you saved my life!" said Stu with joy. But his face fell as he and Melinda gazed at the shattered remains of the toboggan. "I can't say the same for the sled, though."

Poor Stu…

* * *

The next day, three days before Christmas, Chas, Shirley, Melinda, Christopher, Betty, Charlotte, and Howard all came to the Pickles residence, where Shirley was to invite Chas' friend Stu and his parents Lou and Trixie to the Finster residence for a Christmas party.

But Betty noticed that Stu was sitting there, moping.

"What's the matter, Stu?" she asked. "Holiday blues got ya down?"

Lou replied, "Well, who wouldn't be disappointed this year? There's some punk going around stealing Christmas presents."

"Well, I wouldn't worry about that thief, you guys," said Chas. "Mom says it's in God's hands."

"Yeah, that thief will get what's comin' to him one way or another. Am I right, Stu?!" said Betty as she playfully elbowed Stu in the ribs.

Stu chuckled nervously, "Uh, yeah, Betty."

Then Lou decided to tell the kids, "And even Santa Claus knows all about it. Now maybe you heard that he's not real. Just a fairy tale. Well, it ain't the truth. St. Nick is as real as you and me."

"Wow!" said Chas, Stu, Melinda, Betty, Howard, and Charlotte together.

"That's right. I've seen him with my own two eyes when I was about Stu's age."

Stu gulped, "Really?"

"Yep!" Lou replied. "Now here's the point of my story. You see, Santa may be old, but he's as sharp as a toothpick. And if you've been bad, you don't get that special doll you've wanted, or that fine looking toboggan… Instead, you get a great, big ugly lump of coal!"

Now, Stu was frightened.

Lou then said with a smile, "Of course, none of this applies to any of you sprats! You've all been good as gold!"

And all the kids sighed with relief… except for Stu, who ran upstairs to his room.

* * *

At the Finster household, Shirley was playing Christmas carols on the record player. Chas could hear a Baroque-style orchestra playing "O Little Town of Bethlehem" from his bedroom, so he went downstairs to see his mother.

"You think this record will be suitable music for the party?" asked Shirley.

Chas replied, "I love this music, mom."

"From now on, Finster will be synonymous with Christmas fun!"

"Thanks, mom. I always wanted a special Christmas, and now, I feel that I'm going to get it."

And Chas and his mother smiled and hugged each other in sharing the Christmas spirit.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the Pickles household, Stu wasn't exactly having a silent night.

That night, he dreamed that it was Christmas morning. Upon seeing the snow, Stu sprung out of bed shouting with joy, "It's Christmas!"

And he ran for the living room to find presents under the tree. "Oh, boy!" he cried as he rushed for the tree.

"And they're all for you, scout," said Lou.

But as Stu opened each gift, he discovered, to his alarm, that all he got was coal.

"It can't be! It just can't be!" cried Stu.

"Oh-ho, but it is," said a deep, booming voice.

When Stu turned around, he saw that it was Santa Claus, who said, "No bad deed goes unpunished. Betty Giselle got a pair of skates. Chas Finster and Jim Jenkins each got a sled. And what did _you_ get?"

And Santa cackled as he poured a huge sack of coal right in front of him!

This got Stu to wake up with a scream.

Trixie burst into the room asking, "Stu, what's wrong? Did you have a bad dream?"

"What day is it, mom?" asked Stu. "Is it Christmas?"

"No, honey. It's December 23."

"Then it was just a dream," sighed Stu with relief. "I didn't miss it."

"Of course, you didn't. Good night."

And as Trixie shut the door, Stu said to himself, "There's still time! I gotta return that sled to the Jenkins residence before it's too late!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Chas' father and aunt had crossed the Atlantic Ocean successfully, but now, they were in New York, instead of California.

At the airport, Marvin was phoning Shirley on a pay phone, "I said, 'New York,' Shirley."

"Hello," said the Brooklynese airline rep to Marvin and Muriel. "I have some good news."

"Shirley, I have to go. I'll call you later," said Marvin as he hanged up.

Muriel asked the airline rep, "You found our luggage."

"Nah," said the airline rep, "but I'm authorized to give ya this puny bag of complementary peanuts."

"I rather you tell us where our luggage is."

"They're salty and delicious, the foist thing I'd eat on an airplane."

Furious and frustrated, Marvin shouted, "Where's our luggage, you…!"

"You men need to stay positive," said Muriel as she restrained her younger brother. "I'm sure he's doing everything he can."

"These peanuts are very good for feedin' the boids in Central Park," said the airline rep.

Muriel bowed her head and took the peanuts. Now, she and Marvin had to wait for their luggage so they could wait for their plane to California.

* * *

On that day, two days before Christmas, Melinda, Betty, and Charlotte saw Stu moping on the curb by his own house.

"What's up with him?" Betty asked Melinda.

"Well, uh…" said Melinda, who didn't want to tell Betty that Stu was the sled thief.

Betty decided to ask Stu himself, "What's wrong, Stu?"

Finally, Stu had to confess: "I'm the sicko who stole the sled!"

Betty and Charlotte were horrified, but Melinda explained, "It was an accident, Betty. He thought they had dumped it."

"I make one mistake, and if I don't undo it fast, I'm gonna get lumps of coal!" lamented Stu.

Melinda then said to Stu, "Don't worry, Stu. God will forgive your mistake."

"But I took the light and joy out of a kid's Christmas! If you don't get coal for that, what do you get coal for?"

Betty said, "Stu, you can undo that mistake. Chas and his mom are gettin' ready for the party to-night."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," said Stu with a smile. "Maybe by then, I'll come up with a plan to redeem myself, to return Jim Jenkins' merry Christmas, and to assure that Chas' own Christmas is merry as well…"

* * *

That evening, Shirley was hosting a Christmas party with Chas, his Christian friends, and their parents. On the record player, Julie Andrews was singing "Jingle Bells." In one corner, the Christmas tree shone with Christmas spirit. In another corner, there was a life-sized creche in which Chas stood dressed up like a shepherd. And on the table, Shirley was serving eggnog to the kids and their parents.

Meanwhile, Stu was pacing the floor thinking up a plan to redeem himself, when he overheard Chas and Melinda having a conversation.

"So, Melinda," said Chas, "what's the big Christmas surprise?"

Melinda replied, "If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise."

"Okay." And Chas went to the table to get himself a glass of eggnog.

Then, Melinda went to Stu and asked, "Any luck, Stu?"

Stu replied, "No, actually. I mean, I stole the sled. Maybe I can un-steal it."

"But how will you do that?"

"By stealing it."

Melinda was shocked. "Oh, no! Charles will be so disappointed on Christmas morning!"

"But Jim won't. It's the only way."

Shirley then called out, "Okay, everyone! Time for Christmas caroling!"

And soon, Shirley, Chas, Howard, Mr. and Mrs. DeVille, Betty, Mr. and Mrs. Giselle, Charlotte, Mr. and Mrs. McSell, Christopher, Melinda, Lou, Trixie, Drew, and Stu gathered by the Christmas tree and started to sing:

"_Joy to the World; the Lord is come!  
Let earth receive her King!  
Let ev'ry heart prepare Him room,  
And Heaven and nature sing,  
And Heaven and nature sing  
And Heaven, and Heaven and nature sing._"

But as the rest of the people were singing, Melinda and Stu, seizing the opportunity, snuck out of the living room and went to the closet where the toboggan Shirley had intended for Chas had been stored. Speaking not a word, the two children opened the closet, took the toboggan and tiptoed away out the back door unnoticed by all.

"_Joy to the earth, the Savior reigns!  
Let men their songs employ;  
While fields & floods, rocks, hills & plains  
Repeat the sounding joy,  
Repeat the sounding joy,  
Repeat, repeat the sounding joy._

_He rules the world with truth and grace,  
And makes the nations prove  
The glories of His righteousness,  
And wonders of His love,  
And wonders of His love,  
And wonders, wonders of His love._"

But soon, Shirley heard the phone ring, and she said, "Hold on, everyone! That could be Marvin!"

And she picked up the phone and said, "Hello… Oh, hi, Marvin!" But as she spoke to Marvin, her face fell. "Stuck in New Mexico? Oh, no!"

Then, she hung up the phone, went to Chas, and said, "I'm sorry, Charles. Your father and aunt Muriel won't be home for Christmas."

This made Chas very sad, and he said to himself, "Well, even if I finally got the Christmas gift I always wanted, I couldn't be more miserable."

* * *

Meanwhile, in New Mexico, Marvin and Muriel had just gotten off the bus and were waiting for a taxicab—and a Christmas miracle.

"I'm proud of you, Muriel," said Marvin to his older sister.

"Why?" asked Muriel. "We're gonna miss Christmas."

"Yeah, but through it all, you kept your cool."

"Thanks," said Muriel as she embraced Marvin. "It means a lot to me to hear my kid brother say that."

But Muriel had become frazzled by the ordeal of spending who knows how long trying to get back to California. And so, when a cab came along and a huge, muscular man tried to get in, Muriel had had enough! She grabbed the man by the shirt collar and shouted in a rage, "MY BROTHER AND I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THREE DIFFERENT COUNTRIES AND TWO CONTINENTS! WE'VE BEEN PATIENT THROUGH MULTIPLE TIME ZONES! THIS CAB IS MINE, BUSTER! MINE! IT'S MINE!"

Marvin was shocked. He had never seen his sister so angry before, and he could only try to stifle his fear as Muriel led him into the cab, which was headed for California…

* * *

The next day, Christmas Eve, back in California, Melinda and Stu had returned the sled to the Jenkins household.

"There's gonna be one happy kid to-morrow morning," said Melinda.

"I wish I could say that for Chas, though," sighed Stu. "One of us has got to tell Mrs. Finster the truth about where I got the sled, and it's gonna be me."

"Don't you mean it's _not_ gonna be you?"

"No, I mean it _is_ gonna be me. I'm the one who stole it and then returned it to its proper home. In the meantime, Melinda, you can go home."

And as Stu went off to the Finster household, Melinda replied sadly, "Well, see you soon."

And she sat down on the curb to mope.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the Finster household, Shirley opened the closet door to check on the toboggan for Chas, only to find that the closet was empty.

"Oh, no!" she cried. "Who could have stolen my Charles' sled?!"

Once she got into the living room, she noticed her son Chas coming downstairs.

"Charles!" said Shirley with a sad look on her face. "I'm so sorry, my little muffin man! I don't think you'll be getting a Christmas present this year!"

Chas sighed, "I was afraid of that."

But when he saw his mother bury her face in her hands and burst into tears in front of him, Chas tried to comfort her, saying, "Don't cry, mom. It wasn't your fault."

"I can't help it!" sobbed Shirley. "I should have gotten you those bunny pajamas when I had the chance!"

At first, Chas was shocked to hear that, then he said, "Well, I guess it would have been better than nothing, because this will be the worst Christmas ever."

"I'll say! You father and aunt Muriel are stuck in New Mexico, you'll get no presents, and our Christmas is ruined!"

At that moment, Stu opened the door and said, "Mrs. Finster! I have a confession to make: I stole a sled—twice!"

Shirley dried her tears and said to Stu, "Tell me exactly what happened."

Stu told everything: "Melinda and I just wanted Chas to have a great Christmas present, like the rest of us get every year."

"Wait, I was going to get a sled?" gasped Chas with delight, before his face fell. "Now, I'm gonna get nothing!"

* * *

But meanwhile, Melinda got up from the curb to see a cab come in from New Mexico. And from the cab came none other than Marvin and Muriel Finster.

"Thanks for the ride!" said Marvin.

"Don't mention it," replied the frazzled cab driver as he turned around and drove back to New Mexico.

Melinda was pleasantly surprised, and she shouted, "Mr. Finster! Miss Finster!"

"Melinda! What are you doing here?" asked Muriel.

"It's a long story," Melinda replied. "But to make a long story short, Charles may get nothing for Christmas."

"Nothing?" cried Marvin.

"You heard me right. I'll show you the way to Charles' home and tell you everything along the way."

And Melinda led Mr. and Miss Finster to the Finster residence.

* * *

There, Chas, Shirley, and Stu were all moping together in front of the Christmas tree.

"By the way, Stu," said Chas, "what was the surprise you and Melinda were intending to get me?"

Stu was about to reply when he, Chas, and Shirley heard the doorknob turn. And once the door was opened, who should they see but Marvin, Muriel, and Melinda, all carrying luggage back into the house!

"Dad! Aunt Muriel!" shouted Chas with joy as he rushed for his father.

"Marvin!" cried Shirley as she too ran to embrace her husband.

Soon, all of the Finster family members were exchanging hugs and warm welcomes.

Shirley then said to Chas, "Looks like you don't quite have nothing. In fact, you have everything! Sometimes, you may lose sight of that. I know I did."

Chas then turned to Melinda and said with a smile, "Wow, Melinda! You saved Christmas! This is the greatest Christmas surprise ever! And you and Stu planned it all along!"

Melinda was taken aback. She didn't know what to say to him.

"Why don't we just roll along with it?" Stu whispered to Melinda.

"You could say that," Melinda said to Chas.

Then, she pointed up and said, "Say, Charles. You'll never guess who's standing under the mistletoe."

Chas looked up and smiled sheepishly, "Oh, boy!" And Melinda impetuously planted a kiss on his cheek, whereupon he blushed.

Then, Muriel said to Chas, "While you two lovebirds go on kissin' each other…" And she presented Chas with a foot-tall animatronic doll, an accordion player which was a souvenir from Paris, as she said to Marvin and Shirley, "Anything's better than the gifts you two pick out."

"You hear that, Mr. Five-Pounds-of-Veal?" said Shirley teasingly.

"Look who's talkin', Mrs. Bunny-Pajamas!" Marvin replied, equally teasingly.

"Touché!"

Chas gazed at the doll, then he turned to his mother and said, "You were right all along, mom: Christmas _does_ begin and end with family."

And he pushed the button at the base of the doll, causing the animatronic to play "The First Noel" on the accordion, Parisian-style.

* * *

That night, a gentle snow fell upon the ground as, in the church, Chas, Melinda, Stu, Drew, Howard, Charlotte, Betty, and their respective parents all attended the church service. The tenor soloist sang a moving rendition of "The First Noel," with Betty among the children's choir accompanying him:

"_The first Noel the angel did say  
Was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay;  
In fields where they lay, keeping their sheep,  
On a cold winter's night that was so deep._

_Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel  
Born is the King of Israel!_"

And the entire congregation applauded the hymn. It was a merry Christmas after all.


	16. Didi's Tooth Trouble

_After Christmas vacation is over, Charles learns that Didi is the last kid in her first-grade class to still have all her baby teeth. When he explains this to his friends, Melinda, Stu, Drew, and Betty share their memories of how they each lost their first tooth. Therefore, when Didi finally feels a tooth coming loose, she and the others try everything to get her loose tooth to come out._

_I imagine that Didi's kid brother Ben sounded like Timmy Turner from "The Fairly Odd Parents" when he was a youngster._

As in any other school year, Christmas vacation ended shortly after the New Year 1967 began. Now, Chas could meet up with his friends at Third Street School.

During recess, one of them, Didi, was seated on one of the swings, moping. When he saw this, Chas, as her surrogate big brother, approached her and gently asked, "May I sit next to you?"

"Sure, pull up a swing," said Didi.

As Chas sat on the swing next to Didi's, he asked, "So, what seems to be the trouble, Didi?"

Didi replied, "Oh, Charles, I have a serious situation."

"What do you mean?"

"Look at me. I just turned seven years old, and look at my mouth."

Didi opened her mouth as Chas inspected her teeth, and he said to her, "They're all baby teeth."

"Exactly," Didi lamented. "I'm the last kid in my first-grade class to still have all her baby teeth! That's why I'm so desperate to lose one this year."

Chas looked at Didi and felt sorry for her. He had to tell the rest of his friends about this.

* * *

Chas said to Melinda, Stu, Drew, and Betty, "You heard me right: Didi is seven years old and still has all her baby teeth, the last of her first-grade class who hasn't lost a tooth."

"Wow!" said Stu. "I never thought of that."

"Let me tell you from experience," said Betty, "it can take a strong force to knock a tooth out."

"You're telling me," said Chas. "I lost my first tooth on the first day of my first-grade year when I bumped into a fifth grader during recess. And my two front teeth were lost a month later when I fell into a mud puddle while riding my first bike. I spoke with a lisp for months!"

Betty replied, "Yeah… I was also referring to the time I lost _my_ first tooth, back in the summer after kindergarten. Now, I have a big brother named Freddy. He's in fifth grade, and he's a monster! One day he puts Tabasco sauce in my cereal, the next he leaves slimy critters in my bed! Anyway, back when I was six, I noticed that one of my teeth was loose, so I had to hide it from Freddy because I knew that he was gonna pound me if he found out. And as soon as he found out, a few days later, he snuck up on me and said, 'Hey, Betty, wanna fight?' I shook my head, but he punched me in the jaw anyway, and my first loose tooth came out. I got compensation from the Tooth Fairy that night: all of 25 cents."

Then, Stu, her purple-haired classmate, said, "I remember when I lost _my_ first tooth. It was on my sixth birthday. My mom had baked me a special chocolate cake, and as I ate the cake, I felt something hard in my mouth. I searched through my mouth with my tongue, and in the food I had been chewing up, I found it—my first lost tooth, covered with cake crumbs."

Chas' best friend Melinda added, "The first time I lost a tooth happened on Christmas vacation when I was in kindergarten. My mom and dad had organized some winter barnyard games for the neighboring farmers. One of these games I participated in involved holding onto a greased pig for an extended period of time. I held onto the greased pig the longest, but not before ramming into the fence of the pigpen, causing my first loose tooth to fall out."

"Man, and to think I lost my first tooth when I rammed into a wall," Drew commented.

* * *

At the end of the school day, Chas, Melinda, and Drew emerged from their fourth-grade classroom, and they were soon joined by Howard, Charlotte, Stu, Betty, and finally Didi, the last of whom was still upset about having no loose teeth.

"Look, Didi," said Chas. "I want you to know that just because you have all your baby teeth doesn't mean you're a baby. I mean, look at me: I still have eight baby teeth left over, and my fourth-grade teacher says I'm mature for my age."

Didi replied, "It's not that, Charles. I'm just upset because all of my classmates keep showing off their tooth gaps. One of them has such a wide gap in his teeth he's speaking with a lisp."

"Been there, done that," said Chas.

"When you're the only first grader who still has all her baby teeth, you'd be desperate too."

And all the kids returned home from school.

* * *

The next morning, at the Kropotkin household, Didi awoke from her sleep to find that one of her teeth, a lower incisor, was finally loose.

Excited, she rushed into her parents' bedroom and shook them awake, "Mom! Dad! Wake up!"

Boris and Minka drowsily woke up as Boris yawned, "What's the matter, Didila?"

Didi announced, "I have my very first loose tooth!"

"Why, Didila!" said Minka. "That means it'll fall out soon!"

This was a very exciting thought for first grader Didi Kropotkin.

* * *

In the hallways of Third Street School, Chas was heading for his fourth-grade classroom when Didi walked up to him and said, "Hey, Charles, I finally have a loose tooth!"

"Really? That's great, Didi!" cried Chas. "And to think that I have still eight baby teeth!"

Suddenly, Charlotte passed by with her pet cat, which she had brought for show-and-tell, and Chas, being allergic to cats, sneezed so hard his own loose tooth came out.

"Better make that seven," said Chas as he picked up the tooth and pocketed it in his pocket protector. "And in a couple of years, there'll be none left at all. I think the same thing will happen to _you_ by the time you're in junior high."

"Wow!" gasped Didi as she headed for her first-grade classroom.

* * *

During the school assembly that day, all the kids from kindergarten through sixth grade gathered to see Principal Solomon, who said, "All right, children, settle down. Now, how many of you have lost a baby tooth?"

Most of the children raised their hand, with the exception of a few kindergartners and Didi the first grader.

"Well, that looks like everyone from first grader upward," said Principal Solomon. "Everyone, that is, except Didi Kropotkin."

"Baby," snickered Drew, much to Didi's embarrassment.

Principal Solomon continued, "Well, it just so happens that we're going to watch a video that will teach us about our teeth."

And as the lights in the auditorium lowered, the film projector started rolling, showing the kids a film about how the Heroic Toothbrush uses his trusty floss lasso to thwart Bad Plaque's plan to destroy the teeth.

At the end of it, a dentist showed up to say, "Between ages four and seven, most children begin to lose their baby teeth."

"Except Kropotkin," sneered Drew as he laughed at Didi.

Poor Didi…

* * *

During lunch, Betty showed off the spaces in her teeth, and she said to her friends, "Look at the cool tricks I can do with the space in my teeth!"

And she placed a straw in the tooth gap as she drank her milk through the straw, to the amazement of Chas, Stu, Drew, Melinda, and Didi.

After drinking her milk, she whistled the "Ode to Joy" through her tooth gap.

And finally, she slurped her chocolate pudding from the spoon through her tooth gap into her mouth.

Everyone was amazed at all the tricks Betty could do with her tooth gaps.

* * *

After lunch, Betty, seeing that Chas, Melinda, Stu, and Drew all had tooth gaps, announced, "Okay! Squirting contest! Go!"

And Chas, Betty, Melinda, Stu, and Drew, each took a drink of water from the water fountain and squirted the water from their mouths through their tooth gaps.

As Didi saw this, she felt left out. Chas, Stu, Betty, and Melinda were all concerned for her, but Drew wasn't. He said to the others mockingly, "Do any of you guys have a bib for the baby girl?"

* * *

That night, at home, Boris and Minka served Didi a special dinner for her loose tooth.

"Here, you are," said Boris, "well-done beef steak, corn on the cob…"

"And for dessert," added Minka, "peanut brittle and crunchy cookies."

Didi ate up her dinner, with her parents and her kid brother Ben watching, but as soon as she was finished, her tooth still wouldn't come out.

"It's still there," she moaned.

Ben then said to Didi, "You know, Didi, you could get rid of that tooth by chewing bubble gum all the time. That's how a friend of mine lost his first tooth."

This gave Didi an idea…

* * *

So, the next day, Chas, Melinda, Stu, Betty, and Drew saw Didi walk down the hallways chewing bubble gum.

"Well, if it isn't Baby Kropotkin!" shouted Drew, to the chagrin of the others. "What'cha eatin'? Baby food?"

And Drew laughed so hard that Chas, Melinda, Stu, and Betty had to shush him.

Didi replied, "Nope, I'm chewing bubble gum. I hope that my tooth will stick to the gum so I can spit it out with the gum."

Then, as Didi spat out the gum into a trash can, saw that her tooth was still there, and put another piece of bubble gum in her mouth, Stu said, "I hate to say it, Deed, but the only thing that will get you is a mouth full of cavities. My dentist said so."

Upon hearing this, Didi was so scared she swallowed her gum, but her tooth was still there.

* * *

All through the school day, Didi's older friends gave her some suggestions.

"Why not try eating carrots for lunch?" asked Melinda.

Stu said, "I may invent a machine that will remove baby teeth from kids' mouths. You just put the person's head in the machine, and it should remove the tooth gently and easily."

And Stu showed Didi, Chas, Melinda, Betty, and Drew his blueprint.

But Chas was concerned for Didi, and he said, "I don't know, Stu. Maybe your invention isn't such a good idea. I mean, are you sure it's safe for first graders like Didi?"

Betty then said to Didi, "Ya know, Deed, you could put raisins in your mouth to make it look like you have missing teeth."

"Betty! That's cheating!" said Melinda.

"Or maybe I could do you a big favor," said Drew. "I could punch you in the jaw! Now, hold still, Kropotkin! This is gonna hurt!"

But Didi didn't want to lose her tooth in that manner, so she dashed off screaming to the first-grade classroom as fast as she could, to the amazement of all.

Chas, Stu, Betty, and Melinda all glared at Drew.

"What?" asked Drew.

Chas replied, "Somehow, I think your idea is even worse than Stu's."

Actually, Chas wasn't too surprised that the boy who had tried to yank out his buckteeth back in kindergarten would try to punch Didi in the jaw too.

* * *

The next day, Didi was talking with Chas, Melinda, Betty, Stu, and Drew. She sighed, "I can't understand it. My tooth is loose, but it still won't come out. It's hopeless."

"Why don't you attach one end of a string to the tooth and the other end to a doorknob?" said Chas. "You just slam the door, and your tooth will come out."

"Tried it," said Didi. "The knob fell out before my tooth could."

Stu said, "Actually, I heard somewhere it's better to punch yourself in the face."

"Tried it," said Didi. "It made my lip bleed, but had no effect on my tooth."

Then, Melinda said, "How about a game of dodgeball with the rest of us?"

"Tried it," said Didi. "I scraped my knee and got hit in the face, but my tooth is just as stuck as ever. Let's face it, my parents have had enough, so they decided that I need professional help! I have to go to the dentist to-day!"

Chas, Melinda, Betty, and Stu gasped with horror.

"No! Not the dentist!" cried Chas.

"What's wrong?" asked Didi.

"Oh, the dentist is the most terrible thing that'll ever happen to a kid!"

"What do you mean?"

Chas had to explain: "I'll tell you, but it's not a pretty picture. When I was in second grade, I also had a loose tooth that just wouldn't come out. So, my mom and dad took me to the dentist. First, I was led to a little room and made to sit on an uncomfortable chair. Then, the dentist came in, pretending to be a nice guy, my best friend even. He said, 'Hello, Charles. Have you been a good boy lately?'

"All I stammered was, 'Y-y-y-y-y-yes, sir.'

"The dentist said, 'Don't you remember me? I'm your friend. I know that you have a loose tooth, and I know just what you need to get it out…'

"But all of a sudden, the dentist changed! He went from being a nice old man to a crazy old man! He had a pair of pliers! I thought I could hear him cackling as he held me down, and then he yanked out my loose tooth, and I cried and cried as the dentist said, 'There, now, that wasn't so bad, was it?'

"But it _is_ bad, Didi. Really bad. And the worst part is, there's nothing you can do about it. Once your parents decide that you have to go to the dentist, there's no going back."

Didi was horrified by Chas' recollection, while Melinda placed her hand on Chas' shoulder in sympathy.

But Drew taunted her by saying, "Boy, Kropotkin, do I feel sorry for you."

Melinda was furious. "It's not funny, Drew!" she scolded. "Charles had his tooth yanked when he was in second grade, and it made him cry! He said so himself!"

"Cry? Only dumb first and second graders cry after they get their teeth yanked!"

"Yeah?" said Didi. "Well, I'm a first grader, and I'm scared!"

But Stu said to Didi, "Ah, I'll bet it'll be fine, Deed."

* * *

That afternoon, at the dentist's, Didi was seated with her father in one section of the waiting room, while Drew was seated with his father in another section.

When Didi saw Drew, she asked, "Drew? What are you and your daddy doing here?"

Drew replied, "I also have a loose tooth that won't come out, but I'm just here for a check-up. As for you…" He made a throat-slashing motion that terrified Didi.

At that moment, Lou glared at Boris and made a throat-slashing motion to him.

But unlike his daughter, Boris wasn't scared. In fact, he glared back at Lou and clenched his fist.

Presently, an assistant came to the waiting room and said, "Didi Kropotkin, the dentist will see you now."

Didi shuddered at the thought, and when her father noticed this, he asked, "Are you all right, Didila?"

Didi replied, "Yeah, sure…"

And the assistant led the apprehensive Didi to the dentist's office.

* * *

In the dentist's office, Didi sat nervously as the dentist washed his hands and said to her, "What's the matter, Didi? Don't you remember me, your old pal?"

Didi replied, "I'm the last kid in my first-grade class who still has all her baby teeth, but one of them is really loose."

"Ah, I see," said the dentist. "A-ha! I know what you'll need…"

Didi quivered at what the dentist might do to her, but he said, "Say 'ah.'"

"Ah." Didi opened her mouth as the dentist gently prodded her tooth with his tongue depressor.

"Sure is a stubborn little baby tooth," said the dentist. "But having baby teeth doesn't mean you're a baby, Didi. I myself didn't lose my first baby tooth until I was nearly eight! Everyone is different."

"Really?" asked Didi.

"Yours will fall out very soon. Just wait."

* * *

Back in the waiting room, Boris said to Didi, "See, Didila? That wasn't so bad."

And Didi smiled and said, "Thanks for taking me to the dentist, daddy."

Presently, however, they heard a boy screaming. This boy was Drew, who had just had his baby tooth pulled, and now he was crying, "I want my mommy!"

"Don't cry, Drew," said Lou. "You just lost another baby tooth."

"I know! But I want my mommy!" cried Drew.

Lou asked the dentist, "Is he gonna be all right?"

The dentist replied, "Don't worry, Mr. Pickles. It was only a light tug. He'll be completely fine. It's just that some kids can take the dentist, and some kids can't."

Didi giggled upon seeing that the same big boy who taunted her as a "baby" was himself crying like a baby over having his tooth pulled. Evidently, while Didi had had an easy time at the dentist, both Chas and Drew had not.

* * *

The next day, just as the school day was about to begin, Chas and Melinda walked to the fourth-grade classroom, Howard and Charlotte walked to the third-grade classroom, Stu and Betty walked to the second-grade classroom, and Didi ran for the first-grade classroom.

"Stu! Stu!" Didi cried out. "I have something important to tell you! Some children don't lose their teeth until the age of eight! Everybody is different!"

Presently, Didi bumped into Stu, whereupon they both fell to the floor and got up to rub their heads.

"Didi, are you okay?" asked Stu as he led Didi up. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, Stu," Didi replied. "It just might be the best thing that's ever happened to me."

And Didi smiled, revealing that her loose tooth had finally come out, to the amazement of Chas, Melinda, Howard, Charlotte, and Betty. Didi had lost her first tooth.

"Oh, Didi, you should put it under your pillow for 25 cents," said Chas with a smile.

And Didi smiled back. Losing her first baby tooth was a joy for young Didi Kropotkin.


	17. Germ Warfare

_After Melinda becomes ill with a cold, Charles becomes deathly afraid of germs and declares war on them. Will his friends pull him to his senses when he begins making the other kids take extra precautions to avoid germs of any kind?_

_Based on the "Rugrats" episode "Mr. Clean" and the "Recess" episode "Germ Warfare"_

_This is the first appearance of young Rex Pester, who I imagine sounded like Menlo from "Recess" when he was a child._

When Chas was very young, he was like normal boys his age; he liked nothing more than getting messy!

In 1959, when Chas was just two years old, he would be seen playing in the garbage. "Ah…" he said. "Nothing like a nice soft pile of garbage!"

And by the time Marvin and Shirley came in, they saw that Chas was all covered in garbage. Shirley was shocked, and as she scooped Chas up from the garbage, she cried out, "Charles! What are you doing?! Don't you realize that garbage is full of germs?!"

In sharp contrast, Marvin was always fine with Chas getting dirty. "Ah, let him get dirty, Shirley," he said to Shirley as she was giving Chas a bath. "He doesn't even like baths."

"I know," Shirley replied. "But we have to get those germs off!"

And she would wash Chas with lots of soap and water.

* * *

In 1962, when Chas was five years old and in kindergarten, he also liked to crawl under his bed, which was full of dust bunnies. The dust would make him sneeze, but he didn't mind. "Under the bed is the best place there is!" he chuckled.

But Shirley overheard Chas sneezing. "Charles!" she cried as she took him out from under the bed.

As Shirley again gave Chas his bath, she said, "Now, Charles, germs can get inside your body and make you sick."

Then, Marvin said to her, "Come on, Shirley. When I was his age, my pa let me get messy all the time, and look at me now!"

And he flexed his muscles.

"Mom…" groaned Chas as she lathered soap into his hair.

* * *

In 1963, when Chas was six years old and in first grade, he liked playing in muddy puddles as well.

When Shirley saw this, she cried, "Not again!"

And again, Shirley gave Chas his bath, and she said to her son, "Now, Charles, it's time you knew that germs cause decay and disease."

Marvin told Shirley, "My pa let me play in the mud until I was twelve, and I doubt that it had anything to do with the multiple diseases I got as a child!"

Shirley replied, "But, Marvin, Charles has to know that although germs are too small to see, they're everywhere: on the walls, in the carpet, even on his clothes!"

And as Shirley poured water on his head, Chas cried, "Mom, you're scaring me."

"Relax, Charles. You'll be fine."

* * *

That night, Marvin and Shirley tucked Chas into bed. Shirley said, "There now, you're all nice and clean again. Pleasant dreams, Charles."

"Good night, slugger," said Marvin.

And as Marvin and Shirley left the bedroom, Chas said, "Good night, mom. Good night, dad."

And Chas fell into a dreamless sleep…

* * *

Years later, in January 1967, Charles, now a fourth grader, was nine years old, going on ten. His teacher was letting his classmates investigate bacteria under a microscope. Drew and Melinda were each having a look into the microscope while Charles was keeping his distance.

"Cool! I see 'em!" cried Drew as he saw the bacteria. "Whoa! One of the blobs just split in two! Now he has double attack power!"

"Um, may I see the bacteria?" asked Melinda.

"Hold on, Cavanaugh! I just gotta see one thing!"

"Gee, Drew. I really would like to see the bacteria."

"Yeah, yeah. Hold your horses, girl. I know when I've seen enough…"

"Drew!" said the teacher. "Let Melinda have her turn!"

"Yes, sir," grumbled Drew as he left the microscope, whereupon Melinda looked into it and said, "Wow! They're amazing! They're like tiny balloons caressed by the breeze!"

Then she turned to Chas and asked, "Care to peer into their world, Charles?"

"I don't know, Melinda," he replied hesitantly.

"Come on, Charles. They're just germs."

Chas shivered, and he cried, "Did you say germs?! I thought you called them bacteria!"

The teacher said calmly, "She's right, Charles. Germs and bacteria are the same thing."

"They are?!"

"Relax, Finster," said Drew. "Those things are harmless."

"Harmless?!" screamed Chas. "What did your mama tell you?! Germs aren't harmless! They're little scary creatures that cause decay and disease!"

"Well, I don't think these things are gonna hurt anyone," said Melinda. "They're between two microscope slots."

"Yeah," sighed Chas as he took some medication from his inhaler. "Sure, I guess you're right. I'm probably safe as long as they're under there."

"Yes, we're not going to let the bacteria loose," said the teacher. "And besides, there's no reason to worry about the few germs on that slide. The truth of the matter is that there are billions of germs everywhere."

Chas looked around in increasing paranoia. "Ev-ev-"

Melinda tugged the teacher's shirt and said, "Um, sir, not helping."

"In fact," said the teacher, "there are billions of germs living on your very skin right now."

"MY SKIN?!" screamed Chas, and he ran off in fright!

The teacher and his students were all bewildered.

* * *

After school, the students left their classrooms for home. But Drew and Melinda looked around for Chas. They were soon joined by Stu.

"I wonder where Chas went to," said Stu.

"Probably home," Melinda replied. "Those germs really freaked him out."

"Well, I say he's dented," groaned Drew.

"Wait a sec, you guys! I got a hunch!" cried Stu as he dashed for the boys' bathroom.

But as soon as he opened the door, he saw Chas wiping his arms with a hot, wet washcloth, whimpering, "Must get clean! Must get clean!"

Stu then said to Drew and Melinda, "Uh, I think Charles is gonna need a little more time with his whole 'germs all over his skin' thing."

Drew and Melinda looked at each other in confusion.

* * *

The next day, during recess, Stu, Howard, Drew, and Melinda were playing basketball on the blacktop.

"Who's ready for some basketball!" cried Stu.

"I am!" said Melinda.

"Let's do it!" said Howard.

"I'm ready!" shouted Drew. "But is Finster ready?"

"Hey, guys!" said Chas. Stu, Drew, Howard, and Melinda wouldn't believe him if they didn't see him; he was dressed in a hazmat suit!

"Chas!" cried Stu. "Is that you?"

"What's with the raincoat?" asked Drew.

Chas explained, "It's a biological hazard suit. In here, I'm completely protected from any and all foreign germs!"

"You know, Chas," said Stu, "I think you might be overreacting a bit."

"Yeah, you can't even see germs," said Howard.

"But that's the whole point!" said Chas. "They can be anywhere! Do you know where that ball has been? Who could have sneezed on it?!"

Stu chuckled nervously, "Here, Howard! Catch!"

Howard became nervous, until Melinda said, "Now, now, guys, just because germs are everywhere doesn't mean we should…"

Presently, Melinda began to sneeze, and she said, "Excuse me. I'd like to go see the nurse. Suddenly, I don't feel so well…"

And she went to the nurse's office.

Chas then shouted to Stu, Drew, and Howard, "See? Those hideous germs got Melinda! They could kill her!"

"Ah, come on, Chas," said Stu. "This is nothing. Our second-grade teacher told us that Betty is home sick with the flu. She was probably exposed by her mom again."

"WHAT?!" cried Chas.

"Yeah, so forget this germ stuff, take off that silly getup, and come to play some basketball."

"No can do, Stu! I won't rest until my fellow students are safe from the suspicious, unchecked menace! If you'll excuse me, I must spread the word!"

Stu, Drew, and Howard were dumbfounded beyond belief.

* * *

Chas approached Didi and Charlotte, who were playing with their dolls, and said, "Good morning, girls. I'd like to speak to you to-day about germs."

"Ew! _You're_ a germ!" cried Charlotte.

"Charlotte!" shouted Didi as she elbowed Charlotte. "That's Charles! He's the closest thing to a big brother I'm ever going to have!"

Didi then turned to Chas and asked, "So, about germs?"

"Didn't you hear?" said Chas. "They got Melinda sick!"

"You don't say."

"Yeah, but it seems your so-called friend doesn't want to face this problem head-on!"

"You said it!"

"So, we gotta avoid the germs!"

"By playing in the sandbox?"

"No! That's practically the first place germs go!"

"How about a tea party?"

"No! Don't you know who could have placed their lips on that cup?!"

"What about playing with dollies?"

"Dollies carry germs too!"

"I give up, Charles…" And so, Didi went back to Charlotte to play tea party.

"Oh, man!" groaned Chas. "How is anyone gonna face the unseen menace?"

Then who should approach Chas but a young boy with big permanent teeth and prominent eyelashes? His name was Rex Pester, and he was ten years old and in the fifth grade. Rex spoke to Chas and said, "What's all this, Chas? Having a little trouble getting your message of impending doom out to the people?"

Chas was annoyed with Rex. "Leave me alone," he said.

"How do you feel about Melinda suffering from such a terrible cold she's probably dying of pneumonia?"

"DYING OF PNEUMONIA?!" screamed Chas.

"I hear a second grader named Betty Giselle will die of the flu as well," sneered Rex.

"AND YOU'RE HAPPY ABOUT IT!?"

"Not really. What you need is a propaganda machine, in this case, me!"

Chas thought about it for a while, until finally he said, "Well, I suppose so, if you're gonna make sure this school is germ-free forever."

"Just throw in one of those nifty hazmat suits, and you've got yourself a deal!"

* * *

The next day, Chas and Rex stood before some children, and Chas cried, "Kids of the school, there is an invisible menace among us! We speak to you to-day of germs!"

Rex then said, "They have already claimed Melinda and Betty's lives, so if the fittest among us won't survive, who will?!"

"Thank you, Rex," said Chas. Then he turned to the others and cried out, "We must take action before it's too late! We must eliminate germs for good!"

And the crowd said, "Here! Here! Here!"

Stu and Drew overheard the cries of Chas and Rex, and Stu said, "You know, Drew. I'm tired of Chas' germ issues. Let's go play in the garbage."

"I don't know, Stu," said Drew. "Finster may be a geek, but he's startin' to make a little sense. I hear that's the worst place to go because it's where germs come from."

"But, Drew, we play in the garbage all the time, and we never catch any germs from that."

"How can you be so sure?"

Next thing Drew knew, he and Stu were playing in the garbage dumpster.

"Ew! Rancid fish sticks!" Stu chuckled.

"I can see why they call these sloppy Joes!" laughed Drew.

Stu presently placed an empty ice-cream cone on his head and said, "Look, Drew! I'm a garden gnome!"

Similarly, Drew put some noodles on his head and said, "These germs can't harm me!"

"You know, I'd say Chas is just worried over nothing!"

"Yeah, and the pretty boy with the smug smirk isn't helpin' him!"

But as Stu and Drew were playing in the garbage, they suddenly heard Chas scream, "NO! Look at you guys! You're covered with garbage!"

"Gee, Chas," said Stu. "It's not so bad."

"Not so bad?" cried Chas. "That garbage is infested with germs!"

"Yes," said Rex. "Now you both have them and may die of tetanus!"

"That's odd," said Stu. "I feel fine."

"Tetanus?!" cried Drew. "I say let's kick some germ butt!"

And Chas, Rex, and Drew all shouted together, "Down with germs! Down with germs! Down with germs!"

* * *

January gave way to February, and, wearing their hazmat suits, Chas and Rex were scrubbing the blacktop with sponges full of soapy water. Drew, Howard, Didi, and Charlotte were doing the same while wearing face masks and rubber gloves.

"Say, Drew," said Howard. "How do we know when we've gotten rid of all the germs?"

"How should I know? We can't see 'em!" Drew replied.

And so, they continued scrubbing.

But Stu was not involved in the sanitation.

"Why are they so worried about germs?" he asked himself. "What am I gonna do about Chas' germ phobia? I don't think he's ever gonna get over it…" But then, he got an idea: "Unless…"

Instantly, he ran for the dumpster.

Meanwhile, Chas and Rex were penning a petition.

"Ah, yes," said Rex. "This petition should lure citywide disinfectant trucks to the school within the hour!"

"Excellent," said Chas. "First the playground, then the world!"

But then, Chas heard a scream.

"Oh, no!" cried Chas. "Those hideous germs have got Stu! I warned him about that garbage!"

Rex then said to Chas, "Now, now, Chas. Don't do something you're gonna regret. The garbage might kill you!"

"I must save Stu!" shouted Chas as he ran for the dumpster.

"But what about the petition?!" screamed Rex, but Chas didn't listen. Frustrated, Rex tore up his petition and shouted, "The deal's off! Let everyone but Stu _die of the plague_!" And he stormed away in anger.

Meanwhile, Chas had gotten to the dumpster where Stu screamed, "Help, Chas! Help!"

"Stu!" screamed Chas.

"It's the germs, Chas! They got me!"

"Oh, no!"

And Drew watched as Chas jumped heroically into the dumpster to rescue Stu.

Once Stu was out of the dumpster, he cried, "You did it, Chas! You saved me!"

Chas then inspected Stu as he screamed, "Where are they, Stu? Where are the germs?!"

That's when Stu burst into laughter.

Chas was confused. "What? What's so funny?"

"Come on, Chas. Take that dumb hat off," said Stu as he pulled the mask off Chas' hazmat suit.

Chas gasped, "Are you insane?! I could get a runny nose or consumption! Give me back my mask! It isn't safe!"

"Well, I think he had to do it," said a voice.

Chas turned around to see Melinda and Betty, having now recovered from the cold and the flu respectively.

Chas cried out, "Melinda! Betty! You're alive! But how?"

Melinda replied, "While I was ill, I have been told that you've been behaving ridiculously. Germs made me and Betty sick, but the fact that I caught a cold and she the flu doesn't mean you should disinfect the school."

Betty added, "I reckon germs are everywhere, so we gotta learn to live with 'em!"

"But not all bacteria is bad. In fact, some are used to make yogurt and cheese."

"I love cheese!" exclaimed Chas. Then he turned to Stu and said, "I'm sorry I got carried away, buddy."

"That's okay, Chas," Stu replied. "If I didn't do something, you were gonna stay paranoid forever."

Chas then turned to the students and said, "Kids of the playground, please disregard all I have said about germs before! Let's just get out there and play!"

The kids all cheered, except for Rex, who would have sworn revenge on Chas for "betraying" him, had he not suddenly begun to sneeze. "Now I need to go to the nurse's office," he said. And so, he did.

* * *

After school, as the four children came to the Finsters' house, Chas said to Stu, Melinda, and Betty, "You know, guys, trying to keep these germs out of the school was a lot of hard work. From now on, I'm taking my chances, just like the rest of you guys."

And as he jumped into a mud puddle, he said, "Come on! Let's play in the mud!"

And Stu, Chas, Melinda, and Betty all played in the mud, and they had a pleasant time of it.

"I gotta admit," exclaimed Chas cheerfully, "this is fun!"

Stu replied, "See, Chas? I knew nothing bad would happen."

But suddenly, Marvin and Shirley stepped in. Shirley was so horrified at seeing four children playing in the mud she screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

Later, Chas was in his bathtub. Using his walkie-talkie, he called Stu and scolded him, "And you said nothing bad was gonna happen!"

Using his own walkie-talkie, and in his own bathtub, Stu replied, "Give me a break, Chas. I'm only eight years old."

And so, Stu's father made him take a bath, to the amusement of Drew.

In the Giselle household, Betty's mother also made her wash up.

And in the Cavanaugh household across the street from the Finster household, Melinda was made to take a bath by her father.

As for Chas himself, he had to hear his own mother say, "Be sure to use lots of soap and water."


	18. Be My Valentine

Be My Valentine

_On Valentine's Day, the kids are all busy making valentines for one another. Charles brings a briefcase hoping he will get lots of valentines, just like last year. But while Melinda receives lots of cards, Charles gets none this year, thanks to Drew's machinations. Will Melinda and the other kids give Charles a valentine before Valentine's Day is over?_

_Inspired by "Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown," the "Recess" episode "My Funny Valentines," and the "Rugrats" episode "Be My Valentine"_

February 13, 1967. In the fourth-grade classroom, the students were decorating their Valentine bags. Their teacher inspected each and every bag for creativity.

He said to each student, "Excellent use of glitter, Melinda… Nice frills, Charles… Wonderful pink and puce combination, Megan… Why, Drew. I don't see you working on _your_ bag."

Drew replied, "Why even bother?"

"Are you sure you don't want to make your bag? I mean, Valentine's Day is to-morrow, and with no sack, you might not get any Valentines at all."

Upon hearing this, Drew grumbled, "All right! All right! I'll make my sack!"

And Drew decorated his sack, fearing what might come to him the next day.

* * *

After school, Chas, Melinda, and Drew were heading for home when Melinda asked Drew, "What was with you to-day? Why didn't you want to decorate your valentine bag?"

Chas said to Melinda, "It's time you knew."

Drew then said, "Every year, I make a Valentine bag in hopes of getting lots of Valentines, but every year, I only get one lousy Valentine!"

"But, Drew," said Melinda, "one Valentine is a lot better than no Valentines. One Valentine is plenty."

"Shows what you know, Cavanaugh. Valentine's Day is supposed to be the most beautiful day of the year, but my classmates hardly ever express it to me! I could have had many Valentines as early as kindergarten, but instead, my classmates cough up only one for me each year!"

"Well, maybe if you treated us better, you would get more Valentines than one," said Chas.

"Shut up, Finster!" shouted Drew.

Melinda replied, "Oh, cheer up, Drew. It's the tradition that appeals to me."

"And once in a while, there's candy," added Chas.

But Drew snapped, "Yeah, yeah, Finster! They got candy at Kelso's too, and you don't have to get Mr. Kelso a Valentine to get some."

And so, the three fourth graders went to Kelso's, where their younger friends were waiting.

* * *

At Kelso's, while Chas, Melinda, Stu, Didi, Betty, and Charlotte were selecting materials to make their Valentines, Drew was moping by the counter.

"So, what'll you have, Drew?" asked Mr. Kelso.

Drew replied, "Strawberry milkshake, extra syrup."

"Extra syrup? Something eatin' ya, boy?"

"Well, it's that Valentine's Day has always been a disappointment for me. Every year since kindergarten, I get only one Valentine, while this Finster kid gets many Valentines! Last year, he got so many that he couldn't use his little bag to carry them all!"

"You know, Drew, what you need to do is stand back and take a good look in the mirror. You need to understand that there are other kids in the world. Things don't revolve around you. You need to learn to share and let others take the spotlight once in a while. What do you say to that?"

But to Mr. Kelso's surprise, Drew had left before he could receive his milkshake.

* * *

At the Pickles residence that night, Drew was muttering, dissatisfied, "Rotten, lousy quack! Thinking I should let others get more Valentines than me! I'll show Finster! I'll show everyone of my fourth-grade classmates that no one denies Drew Pickles a Valentine and gets away with it!"

And he cackled aloud until he heard his mother, Trixie, saying, "Andrew, I hear cackling. Is your homework getting done?"

"Yes, mom," groaned Drew as he stuck his head into one of his schoolbooks.

* * *

The next day, during recess, Drew stayed in the classroom as all his classmates ran for the playground and the teacher headed for the teacher's lounge.

Drew stayed behind because he had a sneaky plan: unbeknownst to anyone else, Drew had brought a pencil, and he scratched out Chas' name from each of his classmates' Valentines and replaced it with his own.

He knew that after recess, the teacher would hold a big Valentine's Day party for the entire class.

* * *

And after recess, the fourth-grade teacher said to his students, "Attention, class. Put your Valentines in this big box on my desk. Then, after lunch, we'll have our party and refreshments."

And every student in the classroom put their Valentines into the box… except for Drew, who hadn't bothered making any Valentines.

Presently, Melinda noticed that Chas was carrying a briefcase, and she asked, "Say, Charles, what's the briefcase for?"

Chas replied, "Well, since I got a whole bunch of Valentines last year, I figured that if the same is the case this year, I'll want to have something to carry them all in."

"Oh…"

Once all the Valentines were in the box, the teacher said, "All right, all right. Settle down, children. It's time to start passing out the Valentines."

And the teacher took some Valentines from his box and began to pass them out: "One for Melinda, and one for Megan. One for William, one for Linda, and one for… Drew?"

All the kids were shocked at the development, while Drew had to stifle his laughter as he took the Valentine from his teacher.

"One for Daniel. Where's Daniel? One for Malcolm. Where's Malcolm? One for Sal, and another one for Melinda. Another one for Drew, and another one for Melinda."

"Another one for Drew?" asked Sal. "I don't remember writin' more than one Valentine for that meanie."

"Wow!" said Melinda. "I'm getting a lot of Valentines this year! How times have changed since I moved here!" Then, she turned to Chas and asked, "How many Valentines are you getting, Charles?"

Chas sighed, "None so far. I don't understand it." Then, he raised his hand for the teacher, who asked, "Yes, Charles?"

Chas asked, "How about one for Chas?"

The teacher replied, "No, Charles. Not yet. I haven't seen your name yet."

* * *

The minutes passed, and before you could say "How do I love thee?" most of the kids had been given lots of Valentines, but the kids who got the most Valentines were Melinda and Drew.

But poor Chas still found himself with no Valentines. "Has there been a mistake?" he asked the teacher.

The teacher answered, "No, Charles. When I get one with your name, I'll let you know."

* * *

By 12 PM, all of the Valentines had been passed out, and the teacher said, "Well, that's it. Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. Lunch will be served momentarily."

Chas raised his hand and asked the teacher, "Are you sure there's none for me?"

"It looks like it is so," sighed the teacher. "There _are_ none for you."

Chas was distraught, and he put his head onto his desk as he heaved a long, sad sigh.

Holding a large quantity of Valentines in her bag, Melinda asked Chas, "How many Valentines did you get, Charles?"

Chas sadly held up an empty bag as he sighed, "None."

Melinda was shocked. "How can this be?" she thought. "I specifically remember writing Charles a Valentine with a heart over the I in my name. Did it get misplaced?"

She then turned to Drew and said, "Look at that. Charles has received no Valentines whatsoever. I remember sending him a Valentine."

But Drew, hoarding all his ill-gotten Valentines, sneered at Chas and said, "Who would waste a Valentine on Finster?"

He then turned to the rest of his classmates and shouted, "Hey, everyone, Finster didn't get any!"

But none of the other kids made fun of Chas, because they saw how sad he was.

"Well, aren't you gonna join me in laughin' at him?!" cried Drew. Then, he turned to Chas and laughed, "And to think I used to think of myself as a loser for getting only one Valentine each year, but this year, I have lots of Valentines, while you have none!"

Poor Chas was so upset that, try as he might to stop himself from doing so, he burst into tears, and this type of crying was heartbreaking for everyone to behold. All the kids in the classroom, including Melinda, were completely shocked, except for Drew, who still had a smug grin on his face.

The teacher shouted, "Drew! Behave yourself!"

And the other classmates glared at Drew as Melinda said, "You ought to be ashamed of yourself!"

* * *

During lunch, Melinda seated herself with Stu, Didi, Betty, and Charlotte, to tell them all about what had happened to Chas: "Statistically speaking, you would have expected to see at least one Valentine for Charles because I made a Valentine just for him, and he gave one to me, which means a lot to me, by the way. I think everyone else made a Valentine for him too, because we are all shocked when we found out that Charles didn't get any, while Drew got the same amount of Valentines Charles was supposed to get. I had never seen Charles cry like that before, and I doubt I'll ever see him cry even harder as long as I live!"

Stu asked, "Did Drew mock Chas for getting no Valentines?"

Melinda sighed, "Yes, unfortunately."

"I figured."

"Wow," said Charlotte. "Even _I_ wouldn't stoop to mocking a kid, no matter how geeky he looks, for not receiving any Valentines. I mean, Valentine's Day is all about loving each other."

"Exactly," said Melinda. "On Valentine's Day, you gotta tell your favorite people that you love them, and if Charles can't enjoy Valentine's Day, then I can't either."

"So, what can we do to comfort him?" asked Didi.

Melinda asked in reply, "Do any of you have lots of Valentines?"

Didi answered, "I got lots of Valentines from my first-grade classmates."

Stu added, "And I got plenty from my second-grade classmates."

"Same here," Betty chimed in.

"And I got the most Valentines in my third-grade class," said Charlotte.

Then, Melinda said, "Good, because I also got a whole bunch of Valentines, and I have an idea of how to make good use of them…"

* * *

And so, after Melinda, Stu, Didi, Betty, and Charlotte had finished their lunches, they each gathered a portion of their Valentines from their collections to contribute to their project. Didi brought some paste, Stu brought a pair of scissors, Betty brought some tape, Charlotte brought some crayons, and Melinda brought a pair of jagged scissors.

Charlotte said to Melinda, "That's some pretty fancy scissors you brought there, Melinda. What are you gonna use them for?"

Melinda replied, "Oh, the lace to decorate our Valentine."

And she demonstrated by cutting the bottom of the paper lace with her jagged scissors.

Charlotte said, "Well, since you put down your jagged scissors, I'll put down a crayon."

And, using a red crayon, she wrote something on some scratch paper.

As the kids put their Valentines together, Didi used the paste to stick them together to make one big heart, Stu trimmed the edges so it would look smooth, Betty taped the paper lace to the heart, and Charlotte used the red crayon to draw the message on the heart, with each of the five children signing their names at the bottom of the message.

* * *

By the time they were finished with their project, lunch period was almost over. And so, Melinda, Stu, Didi, Betty, and Charlotte took their card to Melinda's locker.

"You think Chas is going to like it?" asked Betty.

Melinda replied, "Of course, Betty. Our Valentine for him is even better than the ones each of us got from our classmates. It has our signatures, and Charlotte's and mine are in cursive. I even dotted the I in my name with a heart."

"Wow!" said Stu and Didi together.

"And our Valentine has to stay nice and clean for Charles." And Melinda placed the Valentine in her locker, carefully preserving it in a plastic bag.

"Okay, Melinda," said Charlotte. "But once the last school bell rings, Valentine's Day is over, so we gotta get it to Chas before then, or it won't count."

Melinda, Stu, Didi, and Betty replied, "Okay, Charlotte."

"We'll make sure we get to Melinda's locker before the day is over," said Stu.

Betty agreed, "Yeah."

But Didi bashfully said, "I'm sorry, but I tend to be forgetful at times. I'm going to need a reminder."

"Oh, Didi. I understand," said Melinda as she took a piece of string from her locker and tied it to Didi's finger.

"There," said Didi with a smile. "Now, I won't forget that I need to give Charles his Valentine before the day is over."

* * *

During the Valentine's Day party after lunch, all the fourth-graders were having heart-shaped cookies and punch.

"Mm-mm! Cheery cherry punch! My favorite!" said Daniel as he guzzled the punch.

But Melinda didn't feel like eating cookies or drinking punch. She just stared at Chas as he sat at his desk and gazed sadly out the window.

She was also miffed to see Drew snickering as he gazed at the Valentines he had gotten. He could hardly wait to open them.

At this point, Melinda had had enough. She asked the fourth-grade teacher, "May I be excused for a moment?"

The teacher replied, "You may leave with this hall pass."

And after the teacher had handed her the hall pass, Melinda left the classroom for her locker.

* * *

In the third-grade classroom, while Howard was opening his Valentines and the other third graders were snacking on the cookies and punch, Charlotte asked her third-grade teacher, "May I please leave for just a moment?"

The third-grade teacher replied, "You may leave with this hall pass."

And she handed Charlotte the hall pass before the latter left for Melinda's locker.

* * *

In the second-grade classroom, Stu and Betty came to their second-grade teacher.

Stu asked him, "May Betty and I go out for a while?"

The teacher replied, "You may each leave with a hall pass."

As soon as he had handed each of the two children a hall pass, Stu and Betty went to Melinda's locker.

* * *

And in the first-grade classroom, Didi looked at the clock and then looked at her finger. It was then when she remembered that she had to go to Melinda's locker to present their Valentine to Chas.

She then asked her first-grade teacher, "May I please leave this place for a little?"

The teacher replied, "You may leave with this hall pass. Remember to present it when asked to do so."

"Yes, ma'am," said Didi as she left for Melinda's locker.

* * *

At Melinda's locker, Melinda said to Stu, Betty, Didi, and Charlotte, "All right. Now that you're all here, we can take our Valentine to Charles, and it's urgent. While the rest of us are enjoying ourselves, he's sitting at his desk all by himself, thinking no one will have any Valentines for him."

So, Melinda opened her locker, took the Valentine out of the plastic bag, closed her locker, and, allowing her friends to hold it carefully with her, took the Valentine down the hallways to the fourth-grade classroom.

There, Melinda looked through the doors and said to the others, "Look, guys. There's Charles!"

And Stu, Didi, Betty, and Charlotte saw that while the other kids were watching classic cartoons about love, courtesy of their teacher's film projector, poor Chas was moping at his desk, all alone.

"Boy, this is worse than I thought," said Betty.

Didi agreed, "Yeah, he doesn't look too happy all by himself at his desk."

"Just wait 'til he sees our Valentine," said Stu. "Eh, Melinda?"

"Of course!" said Melinda as she opened the door.

All of the fourth-grade students, especially Chas, were surprised to see Melinda with a group of younger kids.

The fourth-grade teacher, also stunned, said, "Ah, Melinda. Glad you could come back."

Chas asked, "Hey, what are you guys doing here?"

Didi explained, "We asked our teachers if we could leave for a while."

Stu added, "When Melinda told us that you got no Valentines, we all felt kinda bad."

"So, we brought you a surprise," said Melinda.

And she, Stu, Didi, Betty, and Charlotte presented a big Valentine made from their own Valentines, and it read: "For our best friend in the world, Charles "Chas" Finster. Signed, Melinda, Stu, Didi, Betty, Charlotte."

Chas was pleasantly surprised indeed. "Oh, is that really for me?"

"Nah, it's for the principal," joked Betty. "Of course, it's for you, Chazzy!"

Melinda explained, "We banded together during lunch, and we combined some of our Valentines to make one big Valentine for you, and in the center, you'll see that that sweet Valentine card you gave me is at the very center of this card."

Chas inspected the Valentine, and, seeing that what Melinda had said was indeed true, said to Melinda, "Oh, Melinda, this is the sweetest Valentine I've ever gotten, and I've gotten plenty of nice ones over the years. Thank you!"

And Chas hugged Melinda with all of their classmates watching with warmed hearts, except for Drew, who stuck his tongue out in disgust.

Stu then said to Didi, Betty, and Charlotte, "Look, you guys. Chas got his Valentine!"

And they all cheered with joy.

Presently, Drew was about to open "his" Valentines when the teacher called his name in the sternest tone he had ever used on one of his students: "Andrew Pickles."

When Drew looked up, the teacher began to scold him: "I'm afraid I owe the class an apology."

"What are you talking about?" asked Drew.

"As I was handing out Valentines, I noticed that nearly all of the Valentines that were supposedly for you had Charles' name crossed off them and replaced with your own. And since you're the only one of my pupils who doesn't really like Charles, I figured _you_ were the one who did this."

Chas smiled with delight upon hearing this. "I wondered why I didn't get any Valentines!"

The teacher then said to Drew, "Dig through this pile of forgeries until you find the Valentine that is genuinely yours."

Reluctantly, Drew dug through his pile, inspecting every ill-gotten Valentine for a name that hadn't been crossed out. If the Valentine did have a crossed-out name, the teacher made him give it back to Chas, who lost no time in stashing it in his briefcase.

Finally, Drew got to the Valentine that genuinely had his own name in it, and he was so terrified he threatened to throw it away.

But the teacher said, "Uh-uh-uh! You must share your Valentine with the rest of the class."

Drew obliged, and he opened the Valentine and read: "Drew, Will you be mine? A land mine, that is. Sal."

This time, _all_ of the fourth-grade students laughed at Drew's humiliation, even Chas and Melinda. Stu, Didi, Betty, and Charlotte, despite being younger kids, laughed as well.

But the one who laughed the most was Sal, the class clown. She shouted, "Man, a joke card! I've given Drew one of these cards every year since kindergarten! Payback! Sweet payback!"

As Drew buried his face in his hands with embarrassment, the teacher said to him, "And you've got detention for a whole month!"

"What?!" cried Drew as he put his empty Valentine sack over his head in his chagrin.

"Boy, he looks so embarrassed!" chuckled William.

"Oh, too bad," said Chas in mock sympathy as he and Melinda laughed with the rest of the class.

After having had their laughter, Stu, Didi, Betty, and Charlotte recovered themselves and looked at Chas and Melinda.

"Wow, Chas," said Betty. "All that time, Drew diverted your Valentines into his bag!"

"And I just thought I was a miserable failure," said Chas.

"Nah, Chas," Stu replied. "You're not a failure at all."

Melinda then said to Chas, "No kid is a failure who has friends."

And Chas and Melinda hugged each other in a manner of expressing deeper affection for each other…


	19. The Three-Legged Race

The Three-Legged Race

_As springtime approaches, it's time for the annual co-ed three-legged race, during which two children from each grade, a boy and a girl from each grade, compete in a race between all the other grades. Among the other competitors, Charles gets paired up with Melinda, and Stu gets paired up with Betty._

In early March 1967, on Tuesday, the kids on the playground heard a trumpeter. And as they gathered around, they heard their sixth-grade king, King Mark, announce:

"Hear ye, hear ye! Boys and girls of the realm, in three days, we will be holding the 6th Annual Co-Ed Three-Legged Race! During this race, each boy from each grade will had his leg tied to a girl from the same grade. Then, each pair will cooperate in running a certain distance to the finish line. The first pair to reach the finish line wins. From the poll of elementary-schoolers, I have selected the kids who will participate in this race as follows:

"From kindergarten: Mike Ball and Julia Cato.

"From first grade: Jack Riley and Melanie Cartwright.

"From second grade: Stu Pickles and Betty Giselle…"

"You hear that, Betty?" said Stu. "We're gettin' paired up."

"Neat!" exclaimed Betty.

"From third grade: Bob Spinelli and Charlotte McSell…"

Charlotte groaned, "Do I have to be saddled with this fashion reject?"

"I don't want anything to do with this snobby, prissy fashionista!" protested Bob.

"From fourth grade: Chas Finster and Melinda Cavanaugh…"

"Wow, Charles! We get paired together!" said Melinda with delight.

"Oh, boy," sighed Chas with worry.

"From fifth grade: Andrew Lloyd and Eva Webber.

"And from sixth grade: my strongest classmate John Sampson and my smartest classmate Debbie Macintosh.

"Please remember that the three-legged race is in three days, so start your training now. That is all."

And the kids all dispersed, with those who had been selected rushing to begin their training.

"Oh, boy!" said Stu. "The three-legged race! I can hardly wait to beat the other kids to the finish line!"

"I don't know, Stu," said Chas. "Maybe this three-legged race isn't such a good idea."

"Ah, Chas, you're just sayin' that because you have asthma."

Melinda added, "And besides, with Drew still in detention your aunt, there'll be no one to sabotage the other kids. The three-legged race should be fun for everyone!"

"Not me!" cried Chas. "The last time I ran, I broke my glasses, scraped my knee, and spilled all the candy out of my bucket!"

"But, Charles, that wasn't during any of the three-legged races," said Melinda. "That was on Halloween, when we were trick-or-treating."

"You were running from a fifth grader dressed as a robot," added Stu. "And he didn't even mean to scare you."

"Either way," said Chas, "I had never felt so embarrassed in all my life!"

"Sure, you have, Chas," said Stu. "What about the time you wet your pants during your second-grade talent show?"

"Or the time your aunt Muriel sewed up your pants?" added Betty.

"Or the time your mom showed us those embarrassing baby photos?"

"Or the time…"

"OKAY! OKAY! I EXAGGERATED!" cried Chas. "But I just don't feel like running."

Stu shrugged and said, "Then beating you fourth graders will be easy!"

But Chas reiterated by saying, "What do you mean, Stu? You're only second graders! You're much younger than us!"

"Come on, Chas, we're friends."

"If that's your idea of friends, then you should get a new friend, like Betty here!"

"Now, Charles," said Melinda, "it's only a race."

Stu then said, "Well, if that's the case, then we second graders are gonna beat you fourth graders, fair and square! _Without_ Drew to sabotage me like last year!"

Chas replied, "I can't stand here and be insulted by an eight-year-old! I'm nearly ten! I'm gonna train myself to wow the competition… _with_ Melinda as my trainer!"

"Fine! I had enough of you being a chicken anyway!"

And Stu and Chas turned their backs at each other and went to their separate training quarters.

Once the two boys had left, Betty and Melinda laughed with each other.

"Oh, boys!" chuckled Betty. "They really need to grow up!"

"You said it," said Melinda. "Good thing we girls mature faster than boys. I'm sure we can work this out somehow."

* * *

All through recess that day, Stu the second grader put some rigorous training into his program, getting to the gym just so he could lift Coach Marshall's smaller barbells for training. And he had Betty for his trainer.

Betty counted as Stu lifted the weights, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight…"

Then, Stu said, "Man, by the time we reach the finish line, the bullies will be wheezing on my dust!"

"Bullies?" asked Betty. "I take it you mean fourth graders Chas and Melinda?"

"You know any other bullies?"

"Well, Drew for one."

"Nah, he's just my big brother, and Miss Finster's makin' him do the otter dance."

Betty sighed. How could she get Stu out of his competitive frenzy?

* * *

Meanwhile, Chas the fourth grader was also lifting weights, very unsteadily due to his frail physique, while Melinda was counting: "One… two… three… four… five…"

"Man! My dad makes it seem easy!" gasped Chas as he stopped to take a breather from his inhaler.

"You're doing fine, Charles," Melinda replied. "I just wish you'd stop being all competitive with Stu and Betty."

"Stu and Betty?! The second graders?!" cried Chas with a grimace on his face as he continued lifting weights.

* * *

During lunch that day, Betty and Melinda discussed their partners' competitiveness in regards to the upcoming three-legged race.

"Boy, Betty," said Melinda. "The way you describe everything, you make it sound like Stu's pretty mad at Charles."

"And you know what's worse," said Betty. "They're takin' this race thing a little too far. Too bad we can't make them be friends again."

"I know," said Melinda. "Maybe we could tell our friends how we feel about their petty feud and let them know that we care about their well-being."

"Mel, you expect me to believe that'll work?"

"It has to work. We've only got three days before the race, and if we don't do anything about it, Stu and Charles will probably kill each other out there!"

* * *

The next day, Wednesday, in the fourth-grade area, Chas took some medication from his inhaler and began jogging in place while Melinda, also jogging in place, was holding a stopwatch.

"You know, Charles," said Melinda, "don't you think you're getting too competitive with Stu and Betty? I mean, I'm worried about your well-being."

Chas panted, "Are you kidding, Melinda? I'm doing great! When the second graders are ready to lose, we'll be ready to grind them to the dust!"

And as Chas began to sprint around the fourth-grade area, Melinda shook her head.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the second-grade area, Stu and Betty were jumping rope.

Betty said, "Look, Stu, I still don't know how this all began, but don't ya think it's time you and Chas got over this silly feud and became friends again? I mean, this ain't too good for your health."

"I'd be more than happy to call the whole thing off," Stu replied, "if the fourth graders would do me just one little favor…"

"What's that?"

"Make a public confession to me as soon as they lose!"

Betty rolled her eyes.

* * *

The day after that, Thursday, during lunch, Betty and Melinda were discussing their failures.

"I'm tired of Charles' competition!" groaned Melinda.

"Yeah, and Stu wantin' to win ain't helpin' him either," said Betty. "Aren't the boys ever gonna stop tryin' to outdo each other?"

"It doesn't look like it. I mean, it doesn't matter who wins or loses. What matters is who's mature enough to stop trying to beat the other."

And Betty and Melinda continued eating lunch together, despite their respective partners' incessant arguments.

"I can get a better golf score than you, fourth grader!" cried Stu.

"I can run faster than you, second grader!" cried Chas.

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah!"

This wasn't like Stu _or_ Chas…

* * *

That night, while Chas was sleeping, he was having another nightmare…

He was running the three-legged race with Melinda when Stu and Betty raced up to him with worried expressions on their faces.

"Chas, why are you doin' this to us?" asked Betty.

"We thought you were our best friend," said Stu.

"You second graders were never my friends!" cried Chas as he kicked Stu and Betty aside to reach the finish line.

Melinda was horrified, and she cried out, "Charles, why did you do that? This is _nothing_ like you!"

But Chas snapped, "Come on, Melinda! We gotta win this race!"

And pretty soon, Chas and Melinda found themselves running together into a hall of mirrors. Once inside, Chas looked around and saw that, in one of the mirrors, the boy who had his leg tied to Melinda's was Drew Pickles!

Drew said, "Hello, Finster!"

Chas jumped a little and asked, "Who are you?"

Drew replied, "Why, I'm you."

This got Chas to wake up screaming, "WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!"

Now finding himself in his own bedroom, Chas shook his head and groaned, "What's gotten into me?"

* * *

And so, the next day was Friday, the day of the three-legged race, where each pair of children would race for the finish line while avoiding obstacles along the way.

Stu was confident about winning, but not Chas. This time, Chas turned to Melinda and said, "Melinda, I've been acting like a jerk lately. Last night, I had a bad dream where I looked into a hall of mirrors, and I was Drew!"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you the whole time, Charles," said Melinda. "You spent the past three days insulting and belittling Stu and Betty when, really, we should be having fun together."

"You're right, Melinda. Maybe I should apologize to Stu and Betty for acting like such a jerk."

Melinda looked at Stu acting competitive and said to Chas, "Actually, now's not the time. Maybe you should wait until a better time."

Presently, King Mark announced, "Racers, to the starting line!"

And all the three-legged racing pairs walked to the starting line.

"On your marks… get set… and they're off!"

Instantly, the kids began to run! Already, Stu was pushing Betty, while Chas was only pushing himself and Melinda to the limit.

Now, the three-legged race course was also an obstacle course, littered with all kinds of obstacles that might hinder the progress of each pair.

Unfortunately, the first-grade pair, Jack and Melanie, was also the first to drop out of the race, tripping on a log over which the other kids leapt over (with the exception of the kindergarten pair, Mike and Julia, who climbed over the log).

"Those poor first graders," said Betty.

"Leave them!" cried Stu as he and Betty continued running.

But, to the amazement of the crowd, Chas and Melinda stopped by to give the first graders a helping hand.

"There you go," said Chas. "Sorry you can't continue."

"It's okay. We had fun!" exclaimed Jack. And he and Melanie giggled as they left the course.

From there, Chas and Melinda continued running.

Pretty soon, they were able to catch up with the fifth-grade pair, Andrew and Eva.

"Oh, no!" cried Eva. "Those fourth graders are gaining up on us!"

"Ah, relax, Eva," said Andrew. "They're fourth graders. What can they do?"

To their amazement, however, Chas and Melinda zipped right past Andrew and Eva.

"Now, I see what," was all Andrew could say.

Later, Chas and Melinda were nearly even with Stu and Betty and the third-grade pair, Bob and Charlotte.

"They're gaining on us!" cried Stu.

"You're obsessed, Stu," said Betty.

"Shows what you know, Betty!"

Meanwhile, Bob cried, "Look, Charlotte! We're about to catch up with the fourth graders and second graders!"

"Looks like we are," said Charlotte. "Maybe you're not so bad after all."

But soon, Bob and Charlotte tripped on a rock and fell into a mud puddle.

Disgusted, Charlotte groaned, "I take that back."

Betty looked on as she said, "Man, those third graders are having the best day of our lives!"

"Quit talking, Betty, and keep running!" cried Stu as he pushed her further.

But Chas and Melinda went straight for Bob and Charlotte, helped them out of the puddle, and cleaned their faces with some towel cloths.

"I'm sorry this had to happen, Charlotte," said Melinda.

Charlotte replied, "Well, it happens. One thing's for certain. I am not racing with this idiot again!"

And Bob stuck his tongue out at Charlotte as the two third graders left the course, and Chas and Melinda continued the race.

In time, the remaining pairs ran to the field of distraction, designed to distract the kindergarten pair, Mike and Julia, into losing the race. It was littered with all kinds of shiny objects and plushie toys. Naturally, the sixth-grade pair, John and Debbie, passed them by without batting an eyelash. As did Andrew and Eva the fifth graders.

Betty the second grader was almost distracted, but Stu, her partner, was not, for Mike and Julia were gaining up on them. In fact, as soon as the two kindergartners stopped to look the other way at the objects, Stu shouted to Betty, "Leave 'em!"

And off Stu and Betty ran.

But Chas and Melinda saw the kindergartners stop by to pick up an object, whereupon Chas cried out, "No! Kindergartners! Don't!"

Upon hearing a fourth grader stop them, Mike and Julia forgot their distraction and continued running along the course.

And so, Chas and Melinda continued the race.

Finally, towards the end of the race, Chas and Melinda were neck and neck with Stu and Betty, John and Debbie, and Andrew and Eva.

"Oh, no!" cried Eva. "Now, _second_ graders are gaining on us! What are we gonna do?"

"I know," said Andrew as he took out an oil can and spilled some oil on the ground.

Meanwhile, Stu cried, "No fair! Those fourth graders are gaining on us! Run faster, Betty! Run faster!"

But Stu and Betty didn't even notice the oil as they slipped on it…

In his mind, Stu could see things. He thought he saw his big brother Drew taunting him again.

"Way to go, Stu!" cried Drew. "You've become just like me, a big bully with a big winning obsession!"

But Stu shuddered to hear that, and he cried, "No, Drew! I can't have become you! I…"

"But you have, by insulting Finster over there and tryin' to outdo him and Cavanaugh while they're just tryin' to help others up when they're down! PU! Who'd wanna help others?!"

And Drew's cackling left Stu lost for words.

Stu was still dumbfounded when Betty tried to nudge him, saying, "Stu, Stu, snap out of it!"

Meanwhile, Chas and Melinda saw Stu and Betty lying down in the oil, and, knowing that the sixth graders were about to pass them, they approached the second graders, lifted them from the oil, and carried them on their shoulders.

This kindly act brought Stu back to his senses. "Chas, why are you doing this?" asked Stu.

Chas replied, "It's time you finished this race… with us."

And Chas and Melinda ran with Stu and Betty on their shoulders to the finish line.

As for the fifth-grade pair, Andrew and Eva, they became so distracted by the finish line they didn't notice that they got their feet stuck in some thick mud. The fifth graders had dropped out of the race, and this time, Chas and Melinda didn't lift a finger to help them out.

And Chas and Melinda's win was the most unconventional win in Third Street history: two fourth graders with two second graders on their shoulders. Not even John and Debbie, the strongest and smartest sixth graders on the playground, saw that coming!

King Mark announced: "Kids of the playground, the winners of the three-legged race are Chas Finster and Melinda Cavanaugh, fourth grade."

The kids all cheered for the winners as they were given their prize: enough Winger-Dingers to supply them for the remainder of the year.

King Mark again announced, "As the winners of the race, and in recognition of those good deeds you did out in the race course, Chas and Melinda will make a speech."

Melinda spoke first, "Thank you, everyone! Charles and I would like to thank King Mark, and all the fellow students who have lent us their support! I would also like to…"

Chas tapped Melinda's shoulder as he pointed at Stu for her. Then, Melinda nodded, and Chas brought Stu up to the stand and said, "Stu, I'm very sorry I acted like such a jerk to you these past three days. I guess I didn't realize who my real friends were at the time."

Stu replied, "I'm sorry too, Chas. I guess I was so obsessed with winning, I didn't even realize that it's not really about winning. It's about fun. Welcome back. I'm so glad you're my friend."

"Me too, Stu," said Chas, and he and Stu embraced each other to the praise of all who saw this.

Stu and Chas were best friends again, and Betty and Melinda were pleased to see this.


	20. Fourth Grade's Got Talent

Fourth Grade's Got Talent

_Charles is entered (thanks to Drew) into the fourth-grade talent show, so he decides to try out a ventriloquism act. Once on stage, Charles has to face his nerves and keep himself (and his new pal) from losing his head._

_Based on the "Doug" episode "Doug's No Dummy"_

In April, just before his tenth birthday, Charles Finster was to learn that he had talent, and some other things…

It all started in his classroom. The kids were signing up for the fourth-grade talent show.

Well, most of the kids, anyway. Melinda asked, "Are you going to sign up, Charles?"

Chas replied, "Who, me? No way, Melinda! Ever since I bombed my second-grade talent show, I figured that I just don't have any talent."

"Besides, you'd make a fool of yourself, which would be outrageously funny!" chuckled Drew as he wrote Chas' name on the sign-up sheet.

Once the teacher was given the sign-up sheet, he said, "So, who are our young stars to be this year? Megan Bell, Daniel Gallagher, Melinda Cavanaugh, Andrew Pickles, and Charles Finster."

Chas was shocked to hear his name being called out.

* * *

After school, Chas was sitting on the swings, moping. Soon, Drew approached him and began to gloat, "Now that I've volunteered you to perform in front of the whole school, what are you gonna do for talent?"

Chas glared at Drew and said, "Thanks a lot, Drew."

"I can see it now: you try a stand-up comedy act when your nerves get shot, you wet your pants again, and before you know it, all the kids' parents are throwin' produce at you! Good luck finding any talent at all, Finster!"

Chas gulped.

* * *

Back at the Finster residence, Chas realized something: "The talent show is to-morrow, and I don't have an act! What if I'm facing schoolwide humiliation?! If I can't think of something, I'm a dead duck!"

And so, he went up to the attic, rummaged through a giant chest, and found a ventriloquist dummy and a book. Chas read the title: _How to Be a Ventriloquist in Less Than 24 Hours_.

"Well, less than 24 hours is all I have. What's your name, little guy? How about Mr. Happy?"

Chas made the dummy speak: "Hello, there."

* * *

As time went on, Chas read the book: "How to talk without moving your lips… Lesson One: To make the 'b' sound without moving your lips, just say 'd.'"

He then said to himself, "So, 'The boy bought a basketball' becomes 'De doy dought a dasketdall.'"

Chas then repeated it while making Mr. Happy speak: "De doy dought a dasketdall. De doy dought a dasketdall."

"Not bad!" he cried. "Not bad at all! Maybe I have a talent after all!"

He could imagine himself entertaining younger kids at parties by having Mr. Happy speak for him: "De doy dought a dasketdall."

* * *

And so, Chas rehearsed his act and tried it out on his first audience—his own parents.

He himself finished it by saying, "Say goodnight, Mr. Happy."

And he made Mr. Happy say, "Goodnight, Mr. Happy."

As Chas finished, Marvin and Shirley applauded.

"Bravo! Bravissimo!" exclaimed Shirley. "That was wonderful!"

Marvin added, "Very good, slugger."

Smiling, Chas and Mr. Happy gave a low gracious bow as Marvin and Shirly again applauded. And going to an aside, Chas said to Mr. Happy, "We may be the best ventriloquist act ever, Mr. Happy!"

"Yeah, we knocked 'em dead!" he made Mr. Happy say.

But Marvin noticed this, and he whispered to Shirley, "Do you think it matters that his lips were moving?"

Shirley replied, "Oh, Marvin, I hope he's able to pull through."

* * *

The next day was the fourth-grade talent show. Backstage, in the auditorium, Chas said to himself, "Well, this is it. Who knows? After to-night, I could be a big star."

But around him, the other fourth graders were rehearsing their own acts, ranging from singing to acting to dancing. One kid even brought an ocarina along.

Chas himself decided to take out Mr. Happy and rehearse his act. He made Mr. Happy say, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Mr. Happy."

Melinda was warming up her vocals when she noticed Chas and Mr. Happy.

"Nice dummy, Charles," said Melinda. "But are you sure you should let your lips move?"

"Very funny, Melinda," said Chas. Then, as he heard Melinda sing, he said, "Wow! I never heard you sing like this before."

"Thanks. It's for my act. I'm going to be singing a love ballad before a live audience."

Then, Chas became nervous. "L-l-l-live audience?"

"Of course."

"How many people are attending?"

"As many as can fill this auditorium."

"Which is?"

"600 men, women, and children."

"600 MEN, WOMEN, AND CHILDREN?!"

Chas peered his head through the curtains and saw the audience out there, and he began to perspire at the thought of grown adults pelting him with produce after an act gone sour.

"Charles? Charles, are you all right?" asked Melinda.

Chas turned from the curtains and said, "600 men, women, and children!"

"I know! Isn't it great?"

The teacher then announced to the students, "Calm down, children. Our first act will be Charles Finster and Mr. Happy. Are you ready, Charles?"

Chas replied, "Um, no! Please, sir! Can you let someone else take the spotlight, please?"

"Well, I suppose. Perhaps Andrew Pickles will be the opening act."

Then the teacher said, "Andrew, are you ready?"

Drew stepped up with his drum set and exclaimed, "Ready as I'll ever be!"

And Drew drummed before the audience.

Meanwhile, backstage, Chas rehearsed with Mr. Happy backstage. He made Mr. Happy say, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

And Melinda went into the dressing room to change.

When Drew's act was almost over, the teacher said, "Right, who's next? Charles?"

But Chas nervously replied, "I'm still not ready! Could you please go to someone else?"

"Okay," said the teacher. "Melinda Cavanaugh, are you ready?"

Emerging from the dressing room in a splendid dress, Melinda replied, "I most certainly am."

She then asked Chas, "Do I look all right?"

Chas replied, "I'll say! And you're gonna be great, Melinda."

"You think so?"

"I know it."

"Thanks, Charles. I'm ready."

And Melinda stepped before the audience to sing.

As Melinda sang, Chas was sweating so much he had to wring his shirt over a potted plant, which promptly wilted.

But then, Chas said to himself, "Okay, Chas. Don't be nervous. Melinda's already doing her act, and she's doing great. That's it! After Melinda's act, I'll get out there and do my dummy routine! I can do it! Here comes the teacher. I'm ready. I'm really ready to go on."

Then, he said to the teacher, "I'm ready."

But the teacher said with a smile, "Daniel Gallagher, you're up!"

"Ready," said Daniel as he pulled out a flute to play before the audience.

Chas then said to himself, "Flute music isn't necessarily better than ventriloquism."

But before the audience, Daniel played the "Casta diva" aria from Bellini's _Norma_, to the amazement of all.

"Then, again, maybe it is…" sighed Chas.

Drew then approached Chas and snickered, "Daniel's gonna be one tough act to follow, Finster! I guess his flute is gonna make a dummy outta you!"

And as Drew left, Chas thought, "Maybe Drew's right. Maybe I'll just be a big joke to the audience…"

* * *

Once Daniel's flute act was over, he was followed by another act: Megan on a unicycle.

Finally, the teacher said to Chas, "It's time, Charles! You're on! Break a leg."

Chas explained, "How can you make me go on after Daniel and Megan?"

But Melinda said to Chas, "Don't worry, Charles. You're going to be fine."

"Easy for you to say. You came _before_ a flute player."

"But I believe in you."

"Really?"

"Yeah, and before you know it, it's over, and everybody's clapping. Me too."

"You, too?" asked Chas as he gazed into Melinda's eyes. "Okay, I'll give it my best shot. Thanks, Melinda."

But Chas hadn't gone too far from Melinda when Drew began to taunt him again: "Hey, Finster! Where do ya wanna be buried when you die out there?"

But Chas said, "Look, Drew! You got me into this mess, but I'm gonna get myself out. So… back off!"

And Chas stepped before the audience to Drew's amazement.

This red-headed boy sat down on a stool with Mr. Happy as he nervously said, "G-g-good evening. I'm Chas Finster, and this is my dummy, Mr. Happy."

But Mr. Happy lost his head! Some of the adults among the audience were already booing, while Marvin and Shirley showed signs of embarrassment.

By now, Chas' nerves were completely shot! He couldn't even speak now that his dummy had no head!

The fourth graders backstage were upset to see this, but Drew was mocking Chas already: "What a total loser! Just like his second-grade talent show! Somebody get the hook before he wets his pants!"

But the other fourth graders turned to Melinda, who said, "Charles is in trouble. I gotta save him!"

And so, Melinda went to the dressing room, where she used a washable marker to draw dark lines on her eyebrows and some lines from her mouth to her chin to represent the mouth of a ventriloquist dummy.

She then stepped in over Mr. Happy's body to represent his head. "Sorry," she said in a boyish voice. "I guess I lost my head there for a minute."

This got plenty of chuckles from the audience.

Chas saw this and thought, "Melinda?"

"Just call me 'Mr. Happy,' dummy," she replied.

"Hey! I'm no dummy! _You're_ the dummy!"

"If I'm the dummy, then how come you didn't sing or even say anything? Here's a little number you might remember.

"_The eensy-weensy spider went up the water spout…_"

"Yeah, let's sing it together!"

And Chas and Melinda, the latter as the dummy's head, sang together:

"_The eensy-weensy spider went up the water spout.  
Down came the rain and washed the spider out.  
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain,  
And the eensy-weensy spider went up the spout again._"

And the audience applauded wildly! Chas had triumphed enormously, thanks to Melinda. And all the fourth graders found Chas' act terrific, except for Drew.

Maybe Chas didn't really find his talent after all (that was to wait until he was seventeen), but he did find out that he had some good friends (Melinda, for a start). And now that he had tried it, Chas decided not to pursue ventriloquism as a career.


	21. Charles' Tenth Birthday

_On April 26, 1967, Charles is the first among our friends to turn ten years old. When his parents tell him that now that he's older, he will have more responsibilities, Charles becomes depressed at the thought of growing up. He soon begins to envy the carefree lifestyle of first-grader Didi and second-graders Stu and Betty…_

_Based on the "Rugrats" episode "Angelica's Birthday" and the "Recess" episode "Bonky Fever"_

On April 24, two days before Chas' tenth birthday, Chas had eaten his breakfast and gotten dressed. He was standing at the bus stop, where his mother and father watched him for a moment.

"Oh, Marvin," said Shirley. "Can you believe it? Our little boy turns ten on Wednesday."

And she cried a little into Marvin's chest.

Chas noticed his mother's crying and asked, "What's the matter, mom?"

"Oh, nothing, Charles," said Shirley. "Marvin and I were just thinking about how our sweet little boy is becoming a young man."

"Well, of course, I am," Chas replied. "And pretty soon, I'll be a grown-up like you guys, and I'll get to do whatever I want!"

"Oh, that'll be the day…"

Then, Marvin said, "Of course, once you turn ten, your mother and I will be able to treat you less like a little kid and more like a grown-up. We'll trust you with more responsibilities."

"Responsibilities?" asked Chas.

"Yes, responsibilities. Growing up isn't all staying up late and watching whatever you want, slugger. You gotta take better care of yourself, like clearing your own plate from the table, picking up your own toys, or paying the mortgage. Things grown-ups do."

"That doesn't sound like much fun…"

"Maybe not, but part of growing up means doing things you're _supposed_ to do, not just doing whatever you want. It takes a lot of hard work."

"Hard work?"

Shocked by his father's lecture, Chas entered the bus stop and seated himself in the fourth-grade area. He didn't even notice his friend Melinda getting onto the bus and seating herself next to him.

* * *

During recess that day, all of Chas' friends (Stu, Melinda, Betty, and Didi) and Drew were getting ready to celebrate the big day. By now, Didi had lost her two front teeth and also talked with a lisp.

"Can you believe it? Chas is turning the big 1-0!" said Stu.

"And he'll get lots of privileges too," said Melinda.

Betty added, "My tenth birthday is still two years away, but when I turn ten, my pop will sign me up for boxing lessons!"

Didi replied, "Ath for me, it won't be my tenth, but my _twelfth_ birthday that will be a milethtone for me. That will be the day of my bat mithvah."

"That'll be the day, Kropotkin," said Drew. "I wonder what Finster's up to."

"I dunno," said Stu. "Let's ask him."

And as Chas passed by with a dazed look on his face, Didi said, "Hey, Charleth."

"How's it going, Chas?" asked Betty. "Ya must be gettin' pretty excited about the big day!"

But Chas wasn't excited. He realized that he wasn't ready to leave a carefree childhood just yet. So, he went to King Mark's jungle gym for advice.

"Where's Finster going?" asked Drew, this time genuinely concerned.

"I don't know," Stu replied.

Melinda noted, "Poor Charles. I don't know why he doesn't look so excited about his big day."

And Stu, Melinda, Drew, Betty, and Didi watches as Chas went to have an audience with King Mark, who by then had just turned twelve.

"Your Majesty," asked Chas, "what's it like to be old?"

King Mark replied, "Old? That's a very good question, sonny. Let's see. First, ya get a bigger appetite, and it's tough to get out of bed in the morning. Then, ya grow out of your favorite clothes, then ya get braces on your teeth and/or pimples on your face, and, well, before ya know it, you're at the opera, weeping over an unspeakable tragedy happening onstage! Hmm… opera… comin' to think of it, my coming puberty will have its perks."

"I…Is that gonna happen to _me_?" asked Chas in a cold sweat.

"Happens to everyone, I'm afraid, but just when it happens depends on what kind of child you are. Take my advice and enjoy the best years of your life while you can. Ha-ha, to think I was there when they first showed _Ben-Hur_. Didn't understand much of it, though.

"Chas Finster, you are granted permission to leave."

But as Chas climbed down King Mark's jungle gym, he looked down to see some first and second graders having nothing but fun.

Presently, the school bell rang.

"Come on, Charles," said Melinda. "Time to hit the books!"

And Chas sighed as he followed Melinda and Drew to the fourth-grade classroom.

* * *

In the classroom, during the history lesson, the teacher asked, "Which English king was said to have burned some cakes in a peasant's cottage?"

He then called upon Chas, "Charles?"

Chas replied, "Uh… Alfred the Great."

"That is correct, Charles. Now, flip over to page 109, which gives lie to the myth about Alfred and the cakes."

Chas then gave a sad sigh that concerned both Melinda and Drew.

* * *

The next day was Tuesday. Stu, Melinda, Didi, Betty, and Drew were all out on the playground, Stu and Betty making mud pies while Didi was playing with her tea set, and not far from them, Drew and Melinda were watching. Soon, they saw Chas pass by.

"Hey, Charleth," said Didi. "Got your invitation to the birthday bash after thchool to-morrow."

"Yeah," said Stu. "The first of us to reach the double digits."

"Although I won't be far behind you," snickered Drew.

Melinda then said, "I trust you and your parents will select a sophisticated yet unpretentious juice to commemorate the day."

"How am I supposed to know, if I'm soon going to be too old for silly kid stuff?" asked Chas.

His friends were surprised.

Betty said to him, "Is there anything wrong, Chazzy? Just last week, ya couldn't wait to turn ten."

Chas replied, "That was before. I have responsibilities now."

"'Sponsabilities?"

"That means once I turn ten, I won't have any fun anymore for the rest of my life."

"But, Chas, it's your birthday," said Stu.

"Yeah," said Drew. "To-morrow I have to be nice to you for a change."

"We'll give ya presents," said Betty. "And we'll see you blow out all the candles after you make your wish!"

Didi added, "You're the one who will get his firtht share of cake and ithe cream."

Chas sighed, "Look at those sweet, simple first and second graders. The only thing that would make me happy is if I was six or seven again and never got a day older, ever."

"What do you mean?" asked Melinda. "Growing up will be fun!"

"No, Melinda. I'll only be miserable when I'm all grown up."

"Wow," said Drew. "It's too bad you can't stay dumb like some first or second grader."

Chas snapped back, "Hey! They're not dumb! They're just learning!"

"Well, I didn't like 'em at the age I was supposed to, and I don't like 'em now!"

"Still, it's too bad I can't stay young like a first or second grader…"

But then, Chas got an idea.

"Wait a minute! That's it!"

Drew cried out, "You gotta be kidding me!"

* * *

And so, during recess, Chas ventured out of the fourth-grade area and went into the first- and second-grade area, where Stu, Betty, and Didi were.

"Hey, guys," said Chas to Stu, Didi, and Betty. "What'cha doin'?"

"Charleth? What are you doing here?" asked Didi.

Chas replied, "I decided that if I don't wanna grow up, I might as well grow down. Ah, first and second grade, when no one gave me any responsibilities. Those were the days…"

"Can you really do thith?" asked Didi.

"Well, if Chas can grow down, I sure hope Drew does too," said Stu.

"Yeah, if Chath and Drew became firtht or thecond graderth, they'd become one of uth."

"And if Chas is one of us," added Betty, "Drew may follow his lead, and he won't push us around anymore!"

"Or thteal our lunch money anymore!" said Didi.

"Or tickle us 'til we wet our pants!" exclaimed Stu.

Didi and Betty stared at Stu when he said that.

"Um, let's not talk about it," said Stu.

"Guys," said Chas, "it's me you have to be concerned about, not Drew."

Stu said to him, "So, let me get this straight: you're going to act just like a first or second grader?"

"Of course. How hard can it be?"

"Well, that means you gotta unlearn a lot of stuff."

"Like the times tables," said Betty.

"Or long division," added Didi. "You altho have to have a big gap where your front teeth should be, like mine."

"No problem," said Chas as he took out a black marker and used it to blacken out his buckteeth. "There. Now, I look the part. Give me any little-kid thing to do, and I'll do it!"

"Okay, Chas," said Stu. "Why don't you make a mud pie?"

Chas looked down at Stu's mud puddle and cringed. He normally didn't like getting dirty (that was Melinda's job), so he said, "Um, is it too late to back out of growing down?"

"Uh-uh-uh, no backing out now," said Stu.

"Well, okay," sighed Chas. "If I want my parents to know that I'm still too young to have responsibilities…"

And so, Chas sat down by the mud puddle and started making a mud pie. Before long, he realized that this didn't feel so bad after all.

At a distance, Drew and Melinda were watching.

"You know, Drew," said Melinda, "that looks like fun!"

"Oh, no! Not you too, Cavanaugh!" cried Drew. "It's bad enough that Finster wants to grow down, and it's bad enough that for once, I'm actually concerned about him!"

* * *

Back in the classroom, the fourth graders returned single-file, with their teacher inspecting them: "Andrew Pickles, good. Melinda Cavanaugh, very good. William Baker, good. Charles Finster…"

Upon seeing Chas with blackened buckteeth and muddied hands, the teacher exclaimed with shock and confusion, "What on earth?"

All the other kids were similarly shocked and confused.

"Have you ever seen Chas looking like that?" asked one of them.

"What's going on here?" asked another.

Chas replied (with an affected lisp), "Oh, I'm jutht fine, you guyth."

Drew then said to Chas, "Look, Finster! If you wanna say something, you gotta talk like a big boy like me, not a dumb first or second grader like Kropotkin, Giselle, or even Stu Pickles!"

"And if I do that, I'll have to take up rethponthibilitieth." Chas then asked the teacher, "May I be eckthcused?"

Drew and Melinda looked at each other and shrugged.

* * *

During lunch, Drew became appalled to see that Chas was seated, not with him, Charlotte, and Melinda, but with Stu, Didi, and Betty. Chas was even nestling himself to Stu's red blanket.

"Thanks, Stu," said Chas.

Again, Drew and Melinda looked at each other.

"What should we do with Finster?" asked Drew. "He keeps clinging onto my kid brother's blanket, he's speakin' with a fake lisp, and he's all around makin' a fool of himself! He can't do anything without kids his own age starin' at him!"

"I wouldn't worry about it, Drew," Charlotte replied. "It's just a phase."

"Charlotte's right," added Melinda. "Maybe Charles will get over it by to-morrow, when he turns ten."

Drew rolled his eyes and said, "I hope you're right."

* * *

The next day, on Wednesday, however, Drew, Melinda, and Charlotte discovered that Chas had not gotten over his no-growing-up phase. In fact, he had brought an old plush bunny along, which he, Stu, Didi, and Betty were playing with during recess.

Drew sighed, "How do you think Finster's parents will react when they see him?"

"I don't know," Melinda replied, "but we've gotta do something about it."

Meanwhile, Stu said to Chas, "I gotta admit, Chas, you're doing great so far."

Chas replied, "Thanks."

Presently, Melinda approached Chas and said, "You know, Charles. Drew, Charlotte, and I have been wondering why you've been acting so… strange."

"What do you mean?" asked Chas.

"Well, let's face the facts. To-day is your tenth birthday, but now, you've been acting like you're three, maybe four years younger, playing with plush toys and clinging onto Stu's blanket. Why is that?"

"I don't know what you mean, Melinda."

Drew spelled it out for him, "You're acting like a dumb first or second grader!"

Chas bowed his head sadly.

"And I hope you don't act like that when your parents come to pick you up."

Chas replied, "Well, my parents do have a surprise for us when they come to pick me up after school…"

* * *

"Here we are, the carnival!" exclaimed Shirley to Chas and his friends.

Yes, Marvin and Shirley had driven Chas, Melinda, Stu, Drew, Charlotte, Didi, and Betty to the amusement park. Everyone was to have a pleasant time of it. Stu and Didi went on the Ferris wheel, Drew went on the bumper cars, and Betty went on the dragon wagon, among other adventures.

But the crème de la crème of all the rides was a roller coaster that excited both Drew and Melinda.

"Whoa!" gasped Melinda. "I wanna go on this ride!"

"Me too!" cried Drew.

But, as excited as Chas was also, he stepped back.

"Come on, Finster!" said Drew. "Don't you wanna get on the roller coaster with us?"

Chas said nothing.

"Okay, then. See ya later, dumb first grader." And Drew got into the roller coaster with Melinda while Chas watched.

Poor Chas was very sad. "I wanna go on the roller coaster too."

"Uh-oh, Charleth," said Didi as she noticed the warning sign in front of the roller coaster. "Look at thith thign."

"Yeah," said Betty. "The sign says that only kids four feet and higher can get on, and that excludes us first and second graders."

"So?" asked Chas. "I'm more than four feet tall."

"But Chas," said Stu, "if you wanna be a little kid, you gotta get on only little-kid rides."

"Like the pony," said Didi.

"Or the choo-choo," added Betty.

"Or the dragon wagon," said Stu.

"If you don't wanna have any 'sponsibilities…" said Betty.

"You made your point quite vividly," said Chas.

And so, Chas went on the choo-choo with Betty. But as Chas sat on the car in front of Betty, he thought about the roller coaster and how much he wanted to ride on it.

Then, in despair, he cried out, "That's it! I can't take it anymore! Responsibilities or no responsibilities, look out, roller coaster! Here I come!"

And as soon as the choo-choo ride was over, Chas dashed from there to the roller coaster, where he saw Melinda exclaim to Drew, "Let's go on that ride again!"

"This time, with me!" cried Chas as he, Melinda, and Drew got on the roller coaster, where the three fourth graders all screamed as they rode.

At long last, Chas learned that growing up wasn't so bad after all.

* * *

The next day, during recess, Chas said to Melinda, Stu, Drew, Charlotte, Didi, and Betty, "Did you guys see how I puked my guts out after that roller coaster ride?! At least that made room for my birthday cake!"

"Did you see what my present was, Charles?" asked Melinda.

"Of course, I did," he replied. "Thank you for the nice picture you got me."

"By the way, Finster," said Drew, "there's been something Cavanaugh and I have been meaning to ask you: why were you acting like a dumb little kid yesterday?"

Chas sighed, "I don't know. I just wanted to avoid growing up because I thought it'd be all work and no play."

Melinda placed her hand on Chas' shoulder and said, "Oh, Charles. Just because we're growing up doesn't mean we should no longer have any fun."

"Yeah," said Stu. "When you're a grown-up, you get to have a house and get married and maybe even have some babies."

This was a comforting thought for Chas. "Maybe you guys are right," he said. "It'd be kinda nice to get married!" He then turned to Melinda and said, "I'll do it!"

"Great!" cried Stu. "So what do you guys wanna be when you grow up?"

"I wanna be a pro wrestler," said Betty.

"And I wanna be a CEO," said Charlotte.

"Ath for me, I'd like to be a teacher," said Didi.

"And I want to be a toymaker," said Stu. "What about you, Chas?"

Chas took a good look at Melinda and said, "You know what I think… I think that when I grow up, I wanna get married and become a father…"

And he, Melinda, Stu, Drew, Betty, Didi, and Charlotte all laughed together.


	22. Roughin' It

_In the summer before fifth grade, Marvin Finster, concerned that Charles' (female) friends may make him more feminine than desired, takes Charles, Stu, and Drew out on a manliness camping trip. Ironically, though, Charles is able to make use of the skills Melinda, Didi, Betty, and Charlotte have taught him all through his fourth-grade year._

_Inspired by the "Hey Arnold" episode "Roughin' It" and the "Loud House" episode of the same name_

All through his fourth-grade year, young Chas loved hanging out with his friends, most of whom were female. Yes, as well as three boys (Stu, Drew, and Howard), Chas had four girls for friends—Melinda, Didi, Betty, and Charlotte.

Even during the summer vacation of 1967, Charlotte would invite Melinda, Didi, Betty, and even Chas to her house for a sleepover. They would watch soap operas and listen to opera music. While they were at the McSell residence, Charlotte's big sister, fifteen-year-old Miriam McSell, would offer Chas and the girls some smoothies, but they would all politely decline.

And once Miriam was out of listening range, Charlotte would say to her friends, "It's all right, we can make our own smoothies."

"Yeah," said Betty. "I hear Miriam uses green berries in her smoothies anyway, and as my pop always says, 'Red and sweet are good to eat, but I swear by this sonnet, green will make you vomit.'"

Chas heard Betty loud and clear.

* * *

On another occasion, Chas and the girls were watching a soap opera. In it, a man was saying to the woman he loved, "Karen, let me be your North Star. No matter where this journey takes you, I'll always be there to guide you home."

"Oh, Brian," said the woman as she and the man of her dreams kissed each other, much to Chas, Melinda, and Betty's disgust.

"Oh, please!" said Didi in criticizing the soap opera. "North Star? My Girl Scout leader always tells me that moss always grows on the north side of trees, so moss is a more reliable means of navigation than stars."

Again, Chas heard Didi.

* * *

At a later sleepover, Charlotte was giving both Chas and Melinda a makeover, with cucumber slices and mud masks to boot.

Melinda said to Chas, "Take it from someone who's been playing in the mud all her life; this mud is both cleansing and invigorating."

Chas smiled as he said, "Ooh, my pores are tingling already!"

* * *

And during a fashion sleepover, Charlotte and Melinda taught Chas how to sew, which served him well as he tailored the two girls' dresses.

"Excellent job with the fringes, Charles," said Melinda.

"I never thought I'd say this, but you _would_ make a great tailor," said Charlotte. "I mean, you might as well be one of us girls."

Little did Chas know that his own father, Marvin, was overhearing him, Melinda, and Charlotte, and Marvin was concerned for his son.

"Yikes!" he thought. "Is my son's spending all his time with girls turning him _into_ a girl? The boy's just lucky he has me to make him a man…"

* * *

So, the next day, Marvin decided to bring it upon himself to speak to Chas: "You know, Charles, I've been thinkin'; since your friends are making you… unmanly…"

"What do you mean, dad?" asked Chas.

"Lou Pickles and I have decided to bring it upon ourselves to take you and the Pickles brothers out camping, just like we do every year, but this time, we're spending a week in the _extreme_ wilderness."

"What?"

"That's right. We'll be sleeping under the stars, cooking wienies and beans over an open campfire, hiking up the mountains…"

"And you and Mr. Pickles are talking Stu and Drew into joining me?" asked Chas with an uneasy look on his face.

"Of course," Marvin replied. "Two men, three boys, what could possibly go wrong?"

* * *

But as Marvin drove Lou, Stu, Drew, and Chas to the great outdoors, Chas found himself caught in the middle of an argument between Stu and Drew.

"I can't believe you destroyed my sand castle back at the beach!" cried Stu.

"Well, you stomped all over mine!" snapped Drew.

"Well, you poured sand down my shorts!"

"Well, you dropped a crab on my stomach!"

"Well, you…"

Thankfully for Chas, Lou interrupted the brothers' feud by shouting, "Boys! Boys! Stop arguing with each other!"

"Come on, Louis," said Marvin. "A little fighting never hurt anyone!"

"A little fighting?!" cried Lou. "Now see here, Marvin! If you think _that_ was 'a little fighting,' you should have seen what my cousin Miriam did to me when we were Stu and Drew's age! She stole my glasses so I couldn't see!"

"Oh, now, Lou…"

"She did!"

"Whoops, here we are!"

And Marvin parked in a secluded area in the woods. Boy, were Chas, Stu, and Drew excited!

"Come on, you guys!" shouted Chas. "Let's go jump in the lake!"

"No, let's hike up the mountain like your pop said we would!" cried Stu.

"Not so fast, slugger!" said Marvin to Chas. "Real men must make camp first."

"Make camp?" asked Chas.

"Sure! You, Stu, and Drew will pitch the tent, gather firewood, haul water… there's a lot of work to do before the fun begins."

Chas, Stu, and Drew all groaned in disappointment.

* * *

In time, Marvin, Lou, Chas, Stu, and Drew had finished setting up camp.

But by this point, Chas asked his father, "Which way to the bathroom, dad?"

Marvin replied, "Real men do their business in front of a tree like a great animal."

This response left Chas stunned and confused as Drew laughed at him and whispered to Stu, "Boy, I'd be pretty embarrassed if I were him!"

But then, Lou asked his two sons, "Stu, Drew, do you two need to go as well?"

Drew stopped laughing, and after he and Stu looked at each other, they immediately followed Chas to the trees to do their own business.

* * *

That night, there were two tents. Lou and his two sons slept in one tent, while Marvin and Chas slept in the other.

Stu and Drew were having a relatively easy time, their father having brought the bug spray so the mosquitoes wouldn't bother anyone.

However, this didn't stop Stu and Drew from fighting over the former's red blanket, which they both were using for a bedspread. Because Stu was taking up his whole blanket, Drew found himself shivering. So, he tried to take up some of the blanket for himself, but Stu snagged it away in his sleep. This got Drew to scream into Stu's ear, which woke him up.

"I'm up! I'm up! What's for breakfast?!" cried Stu.

But soon, Stu found that Drew had stolen his blanket, so he took it back. And it was the same thing over and over again.

But as for Chas, his father's snoring kept him awake. And he said to himself, "I can't believe it: beans, going to the bathroom in the woods, Dad's snoring… How am I supposed to sleep in the not-so-great outdoors?"

* * *

The next morning, Stu and Drew were about to enjoy a nice swim in the lake when they noticed that Chas was just moping while sitting on a log. And when the two brothers approached Chas, he said to them, "You know what, guys? I don't know why my dad took me out here in the wilderness. I'm cold and dirty and hungry."

"If you don't like nature so much, why don't you just tell your pop you want out?" asked Stu.

Chas replied, "Are you kidding? I tried it last year, and my dad thought I was a wimp, so I have to stay with him."

Presently, Marvin shouted, "Boys! Time for breakfast!"

And when Chas, Stu, and Drew raced to the campfire, Lou said to the boys, "It's flapjacks, grilled over the open flame."

And Chas, Stu, and Drew sat down to eat the flapjacks, which were brown from fire-grilling.

"Say, Dad, do we really have to eat everything grilled over a fire?" asked Chas.

"Are you kidding?" Marvin replied. "Real men eat everything fire-grilled, which will pay off whenever we go hunting or fishing!"

"Okay. If you say so…"

And as Chas ate his flapjacks, Marvin exclaimed to Chas, Lou, Stu, and Drew, "Listen up, boys! After breakfast, we're gonna go on a nature hike, to hunt for deer and quail! Everybody who wants to join me, say 'Aye!'"

"Aye!" shouted Stu, Drew, and Lou together.

"Aye," said Chas very reluctantly.

* * *

And so, Marvin and Lou led the three boys along the hiking trail.

"Ah, smell that air!" said Marvin as he took a whiff of the redwood-scented air.

Lou added, "I got the bug spray to keep those blasted mosquitoes away."

"I got my rifle and my hunting license, and Charles has his own!"

(Poor Chas could barely carry his own rifle.)

"I got my compass!" said Drew.

"And I packed a bag of trail mix!" said Stu.

"Great!" exclaimed Marvin. "Then we're all set and ready to go hunting!"

The men and boys hiked and hiked until Marvin led them to a ledge, where Marvin said, "Magnificent view!"

And Lou snapped some shots of the view, much to Marvin's annoyance.

"Lou!" groaned Marvin. "We're supposed to be on a deer hunt, not a camera camping trip."

Lou blushed as he put away his camera, and the two men led Chas, Stu, and Drew down the hiking trail to find a young buck…

* * *

But by noon, the camping party had no luck so far.

"Not a single deer in sight so far," said Lou. "How will we cope?"

Marvin, ever hopeful, replied, "How about some lunch?"

"Great!" cried Stu. "I knew this trail mix would come in handy!"

But Stu opened the bags of trail mix as he ran towards the others, so when he tripped over a rock, he ended up spilling the trail mix.

"Oh, no!" he cried. "I spilled it all!"

"Ah, it was probably cheap anyway," snorted Drew.

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

And as Stu and Drew were arguing, a passing crow flew by Drew and swiped his compass. When Drew noticed this, he shouted to Stu, "Hey, you stole my compass!"

Stu was bewildered. "What?! No, I didn't!"

"You did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Boys!" shouted Lou. "Quit bickering! Be thankful we have bug spray!"

But as Lou reached into his pocket, he noticed a hole in it, and soon, he saw that his glass bottle of bug spray was rolling down the hill and smashed into a rock. The bottle was broken, and therefore the bug spray was wasted.

Poor Lou was so mad he stomped his feet in a fit of rage.

"Wow!" said Chas to Stu. "I've never seen your dad so angry before."

Stu replied, "Still, that puts us in a bit of a predicament regarding lunch."

"That's where my hunting skills come in!" exclaimed Marvin. "Come on! Let's go find a stag to shoot down and eat!"

And Marvin led the others down the trail in search of deer…

* * *

It wasn't long, however, before Marvin, Lou, Stu, Drew, and Chas all began to feel the ill effects of no trail mix, no compass, and no bug spray.

"Wish I still had that compass," said Drew to himself. "Then, we'd find the deer easy-peasy."

But Marvin said to the others, "Don't panic. Charles and I still have our rifles, right?"

Chas wearily nodded in reply.

"Good. Why not test 'em out?"

Marvin so eagerly wanted to put his sharp-shooting skills to the test. And when he noticed a quail pecking at the ground, he made some gestures to Chas, and together, they aimed their rifles at the quail. Unfortunately for both father and son, not only did the quail run off, but after they fired, their rifles exploded and fell to pieces!

Marvin was furious, and he stamped the ground in a rage! Chas was shocked because his father had hardly ever lost his temper before!

"Dad, what's wrong?" asked Chas.

"What's wrong?!" growled Marvin. "I'll tell you what's wrong! The food's gone, the rifles are broken, the mosquitoes are pickin' on us, and to top it all off, we're lost!"

"Lost?!" cried Drew. "We're all gonna die!"

Stu tried to comfort his older brother by saying, "Hey, Drew. I just want you to know that, well, if we don't make it, then I'm glad you're my big brother."

And Marvin shouted, "Yeah, but who's playing that infernal racket?!"

The "infernal racket" Marvin was referring to was coming from Lou's transistor radio, from which Franco Corelli was singing "Vesti la giubba" from _Pagliacci_. As he turned off the radio, Lou replied, "Sorry, but opera music calms my nerves."

He then turned to the boys and asked, "Can anyone think of something to get us out alive?"

"Actually, I can lead you to the hunting grounds," said Chas. "My friends taught me some basic survival skills."

"Well, if I don't eat something in a minute, I'm gonna keel over!" moaned Marvin.

Just then, Chas noticed a bush with some delicious red raspberries, and he picked some of them for his father, as well as Stu and Drew and their father.

"You must be crazy," said Marvin, not angrily. "Who gave you the idea that we should eat wild berries?"

Chas thought back to the time when Betty said to him, "As my pop always says, 'Red and sweet are good to eat, but I swear by this sonnet, green will make you vomit.'"

And he replied, "It's something I learned from my friend Betty."

And Chas, Stu, Drew, Lou, and even Marvin ate the raspberries.

After they had eaten, however, Drew asked, "But how do we get to the hunting grounds?"

Chas looked around and saw a tree with moss pointing to the north. He said, "Didi's a Girl Scout, so she would know that moss always grows on the north side of the trees."

Stu then looked at the moss-covered tree and said, "You know, Chas, I admire Didi's survival skills."

Then, Lou added, "Does your Girl Scout friend know anything about how we can keep the bugs away?"

Chas replied, "No, but Melinda does." And he thought back to the time when Charlotte gave him and Melinda a makeover with mud masks, and Melinda said, "Take it from someone who's been playing in the mud all her life; this mud is both cleansing and invigorating. And when I was feeding the pigs, I noticed that the mud they had been rolling in relieved them of sunburn and kept the bugs away."

And so, to the confusion of Marvin, Stu, Drew, and Lou, Chas jumped into a mud pit and rubbed some mud all over himself. "There, this should help keep the bugs away."

"Neat!" said Stu with amazement as he and Drew jumped in the mud as well.

Lou and Marvin then looked at each other and decided to rub some mud all over themselves in turn.

Once they got out, the mud-covered camping party, now led by Chas, were on their way to hunt for a deer.

"Be on the lookout for deer tracks, slugger," whispered Marvin.

"Okay, dad," Chas whispered in reply.

As so, Chas looked at the trail and spotted some deer tracks. He then said to the others, "The deer should be right about… there!"

And sure enough, Chas, Marvin, Stu, Drew, and Lou saw a herd of deer grazing in the meadow.

"Awesome!" exclaimed Drew.

"I gotta hand it to your friends," said Marvin to Chas, "this mud is also good for camouflage."

Then, Marvin's face fell as he sighed, "Too bad we don't have our guns, though."

Chas replied, "Maybe we don't need guns…"

And he thought back to the time when Charlotte taught him how to sew, and she complimented him: "I never thought I'd say this, but you _would_ make a great tailor."

And so, tying a thin vine to his sewing needle, Chas said to his father and Lou, "You may have to dig a pit for this."

Lou and Marvin again shrugged their shoulders.

* * *

After having dug the pit with two shovels, Lou and Marvin stepped aside as Chas placed his handmade net over the pit and Stu and Drew covered it with some leaves.

It was then when Chas gave the plan: "Now, we'll split up. Dad and Mr. Pickles will chase a strong and healthy-looking stag into the pit, while Stu, Drew, and I stand by the pit."

"I like your thinking, slugger," said Marvin. "You really _are_ becoming a man. We might as well be in the Stone Age."

And so, like Neanderthal hunters of old, Marvin and Lou both snuck up on the herd and saw a particularly healthy stag. Despite his age, Lou was not above a bit of mischief himself, so he grabbed a hollowed-out branch, chewed up a piece of paper into a spitball, and used the branch to shoot the spitball at the stag. While the rest of the deer scattered at the sight, the stag was furious, and he started to chase both Lou and Marvin, who ran for the pit.

"Step back, kids!" cried Marvin. "This is gonna be rough!"

And as soon as Chas, Stu, and Drew stepped back, Marvin and Lou leapt over the pit to taunt the stag into running to the leaves and falling into the pit, whereupon Marvin jumped in to wrestle the stag and finish him off.

That night, after they had gone back to the campsite, Chas, Stu, Drew, Marvin, and Lou all enjoyed a fine meal of fire-grilled venison steaks.

* * *

At the end of the week, the five campers returned home. And the first person to greet Chas was none other than Melinda. Even before Chas got out of the car, she was so overjoyed, she cried out, "CHARLES! It's me, Melinda! I'm looking at you through your car window! Right here! This is my voice! I'm talking to you from outside!"

Chas then made a "calm down" gesture and got out of the car, and Melinda asked, "Did you have a good camping trip, Charles?"

Chas replied, "Yeah, once we got rid of my dad's uber-manly rifles. We managed to catch a stag and cook some venison because of everything you and the other girls taught me."

"Is that so?" Then, Melinda perked up and said, "Tell me more!"

And so, he did.

Chas' father, Marvin Finster, thought spending so much time around girls would be a problem for his son, when actually it was just the opposite. If it wasn't for them, Chas and his father would almost certainly have met an untimely end during their camping trip. And as time went on, Chas would learn that what's "boyish" and what's "girly" would only be relative, for whereas both Betty and Melinda were more "boyish" than "girly," Chas in turn was more "girly" than "boyish."


	23. Betty DePest

_In the 1967-68 school year, Charles, Drew, and Melinda are in fifth grade. Meanwhile, Betty is in third grade, and she soon begins to bother a fourth-grade boy named Howard DeVille. For the next two months, she does so on a regular basis. It's up to Melinda and Stu to figure out why._

_Inspired by the "Rugrats" episode "Angelica's in Love" (where Betty mentions how she used to pick on Howard when they were in grade school), the "Recess" episode "The Pest," and the "Loud House" episode "Heavy Meddle"_

In September 1967, school started again. This time, Chas, Drew, and Melinda were in fifth grade, Howard and Charlotte were in fourth grade, Stu and Betty, the latter now wearing a tie-dye shirt, were in third grade, and Didi was in second grade.

Surprisingly, however, Betty Giselle and Howard DeVille were in the same classroom, because their teacher, Mrs. Gunderson, was teaching a third-_and_-fourth-grade class. Therefore, they also shared the classroom with Bob Spinelli, Sam Detweiler, and quite a few other eight-or-nine-year-olds. As for Stu, he was in a different third-grade classroom, while Charlotte was in a different fourth-grade classroom.

Therefore, during class, as Mrs. Gunderson was teaching her students math, Betty was seated behind Howard in class. Betty was reading from her third-grade math book, and Howard was reading from his fourth-grade math book.

Howard was concentrating on his studies when he felt something poking him in the back.

"Ow!" he cried as he turned to Betty, who smiled innocently.

But once he turned back to his studies, Betty again poked him with her index finger.

"Quit it, Betty!" cried Howard.

"Quit what?" asked Betty.

"You know what! Just quit it!"

Mrs. Gunderson asked, "Howard, is there anything wrong?"

Howard sheepishly replied, "Um, no, Mrs. Gunderson. Everything's fine."

"Good. Then, why don't you solve a problem?"

Howard sighed, then he went up to the blackboard to solve the problem. As this was a third-grade review problem, Howard found it easy: "10 x 10 = 100."

But as he went back to his desk to sit down, Betty slapped his back, causing him to fall to his desk with a wearied expression on his face.

"I'm okay," groaned Howard, but he wasn't really okay. He didn't know why Betty was treating him like this.

* * *

By Friday, Howard began to feel uncomfortable about Betty's prodding him with her index finger. So, while he was playing tetherball with Chas, Melinda, Stu, Drew, and Charlotte, he noticed Betty coming his way with Didi, and he cried out, "I can't take it anymore!"

"What's the matter, Howard?" asked Stu.

"Did you see what's been happening in our classroom? I just don't know what to do! All week long, I've been kicked, poked, slapped, and had my hair pulled! Just look at the gum in my hair!"

"So, you're being picked on, huh? Maybe you should just ignore this bully."

"Tried it, and it didn't work! The immature attacks continue."

"Of course, you're being picked on," said Charlotte. "You're a total wimp, even wimpier than Chas here, and that's all you'll ever be!"

Poor Howard burst into tears at Charlotte's abrasive comment, which made her realize how much of a jerk she had been, so she, Chas, Melinda, Stu, and even Drew showed sympathy for him.

"I'm sorry, Howard!" said Charlotte. "I didn't mean to make you cry!"

"Don't cry, Howard," said Chas as he stroked Howard's shoulders.

Drew added, "Yeah, DeVille. As long as we're here, that bully wouldn't dare bug ya!"

Drying his tears, Howard asked, "You sure?"

"Positive."

But soon, at last, Howard was hit in the head with a kickball, which stuck to the gum in his hair.

Upon seeing this, Drew cried out, "Whoever did this, let's cream him!"

"I'll go tell the principal!" cried Chas.

"Forget that, Chas," said Charlotte. "I'll dig up dirt on him… I'll find an embarrassing photo of him as a baby, maybe as late as kindergarten, and share it with all his friends."

Stu added, "I'll deliver unto him a delicious insult that will leave him in tears!"

"Better yet," said Melinda, "I'll kick him in a mud puddle for everyone to see!"

"Let's get him!" cried Chas, Melinda, Stu, Drew, and Charlotte together.

And no sooner had they said that than they ran off to find the kid they believed was picking on Howard. Soon enough, they found a fourth grader named Leonard Weems, who shouted to some first graders, "Stop trying to outrun me, or I'll make up something to tell on you!"

And when they immediately dogpiled him, Leonard cried out, "Hey! What's the big idea?! What are you doing to me?!"

"Drop the innocent act, Weems!" exclaimed Drew. "We're onto your game!"

"Yeah! Why are you picking on Howard?!" asked Melinda.

"Howard?" asked Leonard in confusion. "Who's he?"

"Don't play dumb with us!" cried Stu. "You hit him on the head with a kickball!"

"What?! No, I didn't!"

"Yes, you did!" cried Chas. "You oughta have gum in your hair for putting some in Howard's!"

"I didn't do it!"

"Yes, you did!" said Charlotte.

"Look, guys," snapped Leonard, "I may be a snitch, but I would never pick on anyone!"

"Guys!" groaned Howard. "This guy isn't my enemy, although he'll probably end up _yours_."

As Chas, Melinda, Stu, Drew, and Charlotte let Leonard go, he glared at them for what they put him through, and he said, "Boy, your feet are sore from jumping to conclusions."

And Drew kicked him out as he said, "Scram, you dumb fourth grader."

He then said to Howard, "I'll go get another boy."

Howard replied, "Drew, stop. It's not even a boy. It's a girl. Her name is Betty."

This got Melinda grinning ear-to-ear as she said to Howard, "You mean, you… and Betty…"

And finally, she squealed with delight!

"Oh, boy," groaned Howard.

"I think Betty has a thing for you!" said Melinda.

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't you see? When a girl picks on you, that can only mean one thing: she likes you, but she doesn't have the guts to say it!"

"Easy for you to say! You're a girl, and you haven't been bullied all week!"

Little did any of them realize that, at a distance, Betty was watching Howard…

* * *

For the next two months, Betty would pick on Howard and laugh at his expense. In September, she tied his shoelaces together so he'd trip as everyone else ran for the playground.

"Oh, _real_ original!" growled Howard.

And she would put a whoopie cushion on his cafeteria seat during lunch break.

"That's real mature, Betty!" snarled Howard as Betty laughed out loud.

In October, she filled his locker with garbage so it would fall on top of him as he opened the locker.

"Really?" groaned Howard.

But Betty's favorite tactic was poking Howard with her index finger during class.

"I thought I told you to stop it," said Howard as he glanced at her, annoyed.

"Why don't ya make me?" said Betty as she continued poking him.

* * *

By November, Howard was fed up with Betty's antics, and during recess, he told Chas, Stu, and Melinda all about it:

"I don't see how Betty could love me if she's constantly picking on me! I mean, just yesterday, she put a sloppy Joe on my head! And I know why: she hates me! Next time I see her, I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind!"

Melinda replied, "I'm gonna give her a piece of your heart instead."

"What?! Have you lost your mind, Melinda?! You seriously think Betty likes me?!"

Chas replied, "I don't know, Howard. Maybe she's right. Then again, what do I know?"

Howard shrugged, then he went to the boys' restroom to hide from Betty.

"You know, guys," said Stu. "Maybe we should go to Betty and find out once and for all why she keeps picking on Howard."

"I already told you," Melinda said, "she has a crush on him."

"That's what they _all_ say. Next thing you know, he's got a shiner!"

"You're right, Stu," said Chas. "We gotta find Betty and find out why she keeps bugging him."

And after Stu and Chas ran off, Melinda rolled her eyes and decided to follow them too.

Meanwhile, Betty and Didi watched this, the former with agitation…

* * *

That day, during lunch, Howard was eating lunch, minding his own business, when Betty, seeing him, refusing to say a single word, snuck up on him unseen and dumped a serving of chocolate pudding on his head, and she ran off laughing, much to his annoyance.

"Now, I've lost control of my life," groaned Howard.

* * *

The next day, during recess, Betty and Didi were playing with a kickball, while Chas, Stu, and Melinda noticed that Howard was hiding out in the cheese block.

"What's the matter, Howard?" asked Stu. "Why are you hiding?"

Howard, afraid to tell his friends the truth, replied, "Uh, I'm playing hide-and-seek with Drew and Charlotte."

"It's okay to hate being picked on," said Chas. "Heck, I hate it when Drew calls me by my last name."

"But every time I go out there, Betty pokes me and throws balls at me."

And to prove his point, Howard stuck his head out of the cheese block, and Betty threw the kickball at his head.

"See what I mean?" he said with a scowl.

Melinda then said, "I keep telling you, Howard, Betty's fallen in love with you."

"How's that possible?!" asked Howard. "I mean, come on, Melinda! Betty's rude and gross and totally annoying. I'd rather eat sand than kiss her!"

But Howard didn't know that Betty had overheard what he said, and she ran into the girls' bathroom.

"Don't you think that was a little harsh?" asked Melinda. "I think you may have hurt Betty's feelings."

Howard replied, "Come on, Melinda. Betty's the toughest girl in school. She can handle it."

* * *

But when Melinda entered the girls' bathroom, she saw that Betty was crying her eyes out.

Melinda frowned as she said to herself, "I can't believe Howard made Betty cry!"

She then said to Betty, "Look, Betty. Howard didn't mean it."

Nevertheless, Betty cried and cried.

It was then when, after Melinda led Betty out of the girls' room, they encountered Stu and Chas.

Stu said, "Betty, the time has come for you to come clean."

"Yeah," added Chas. "For the past two months, you've been bugging Howard, and we wanna know why! Why?"

"Well…" muttered Betty.

"Is it his face?"

"Uh…"

"His hair?"

"Uh…"

"Is it 'cause he's cute?" asked Melinda.

Pressed for answers, Betty couldn't take it anymore, and she heard herself blurt it out: "Yes! Yes! It's all of those things! I like him, okay?"

Stu and Chas gazed first at Betty, then at each other in confusion.

"I like Howard," said Betty. "There, I said it. Just don't tell anyone. You three are the only ones who should know."

"Wow," said Chas, feeling very guilty. "Too bad Howard doesn't know about this."

"Yeah," said Stu. "He doesn't think you like him."

"Don't tell him especially!" cried Betty. "I'm so much in love with Howard I can't bear to tell him, and I can't even bear it! Love hurts!"

And she started crying again. But Melinda gently stroked her shoulder and whispered, "Sh. Sh. Don't cry, Betty. We'll think of something to do about your crush. Maybe if Stu, Chas, and I arranged for you and Howard to meet each other in secret, tomorrow at dawn, with only the three of us as your witnesses."

Betty dried her tears and, in her shock, gasped, "What?"

* * *

And on the playground, Chas whispered to Howard, "You must meet Betty in secret, tomorrow at dawn, with only Stu, Melinda, and me as your witnesses."

Howard was equally shocked. "What?"

* * *

So, the next day, at dawn, Chas, Melinda, and Stu all secretly followed Betty to the DeVille's place. They had all hoped that Howard and Betty would kiss each other, but neither Howard nor Betty felt easy about what was going to happen.

The next thing they knew, Howard and Betty were standing face to face with each other, Betty with a blank stare and Howard with an anxious look, all while Chas, Melinda, and Stu were watching.

Howard simply said, "Hi, Betty."

And, in full view of Chas, Melinda, and Stu, Betty punched Howard in the face and went to school in a huff.

Chas, Melinda, and Stu all felt sorry for Howard, and they approached him.

"Tough luck, Howard," said Stu.

"We didn't mean for this to happen," said Melinda.

"It's just that Betty told us that…" Chas was going to say before Melinda shushed him.

But Howard, now sporting a black eye, said to the others, "I knew it all along. Betty hates me!"

And he too stormed off to school, followed by Chas, Melinda, and Stu.

* * *

During recess that day, Drew couldn't help but notice Howard sulking at the bottom of the jungle gym. Upon closer inspection, Drew found out why. "Whoa, DeVille! Where did you get that shiner?!" he exclaimed.

"Don't ask," huffed Howard.

And so, Drew shrugged his shoulders and went away.

As soon as Drew had gone, however, Howard saw a raw steak fall upon his lap. Upon placing the steak over his shiner, he smiled and said to himself, "Gee, whoever did this must really like me."

And he went to the boys' bathroom, unaware that Betty and Melinda were watching him.

"Like I said," Betty said to Melinda, "I like Howard. I just don't want to admit it. After all, I'm a tomboy, and besides, don't tell Howard that I love him either. He's got too much goin' on in his head."

Melinda smiled and replied, "My lips are sealed, Betty."

Poor Howard. Because Betty couldn't say that she was in love with him, it would take him nearly twenty years for him to figure out that her teasing was just her way of saying "I love you."


	24. Recess Is Cancelled

Recess Is Cancelled

_In the spring of 1968, Third Street Elementary School gets a new principal: a handsome young man named Phillium Benedict who quickly becomes popular with the female teachers, especially Charles' own aunt Muriel. But during a private conversation with schoolteacher Peter Prickly, Benedict reveals his true colors by announcing his intentions to abolish recess in an attempt to improve test grades and further his career. Things go wrong as a result: in only one week, the kids become slow-minded and depressed, the schoolteachers become frustrated, and the parents criticize Benedict for his radical politics._

_Inspired by the "Recess" episode "Recess Is Cancelled" and the movie "Recess: School's Out"_

It was April 15, 1968. After nearly half a century as principal of Third Street Elementary School, Samuel Solomon was no more. He had been a gentle, but very efficient principal, so everyone, student and teacher, was sad to see him go.

But soon, there would be a new principal. After all, 1968 was a different age. All of the teachers were young, idealistic, and ready to change the world.

By now, Chas Finster was almost eleven years old. Melinda Cavanaugh was ten-and-a-half. And Betty DeVille had just turned nine.

In April 1968, Chas' aunt Muriel Finster wore a multicolored dress and rose-tinted glasses (literally). Young Mr. Peter Prickly, a schoolteacher, wore a Nehru jacket and blue-tinted glasses. He looked almost like John Lennon.

"Peace, Peter," said Muriel.

"Hey, Muriel," said Mr. Prickly. "Had a groovy time at the Dead concert last night!"

"Say, you gonna be at the teach-in Saturday? We're gonna be painting my Volkswagen!"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world!"

"Groovy!"

Yes, the teachers were all groovy. But one man was the coolest of them all. His name was Phillium Benedict. With his blond hair, blue eyes, leather jacket, American flag helmet, and motorcycle, he was smart and handsome, and he had just been named Principal of Third Street School to replace the late Samul Solomon.

Benedict quickly became popular with the ladies, especially Miss Finster, who was his girlfriend at the time.

Mr. Prickly greeted Benedict thus: "Hey, man. How's it feel to be the youngest principal in the history of the state?"

"Copacetic, baby!" said Benedict. "You know what they say, 'Young is in, man, and old is out! Way out.' By the way, do you like the American flag helmet, Pete? It does go with the leatherjacket, right?"

"You are one groovy educator, Phil."

"Come. Follow me, my man. I'll show you my new principal's pad."

And there were eight kids who watched all this: Chas, Melinda, Stu, Didi, Drew, Charlotte, Howard, and Betty.

"Whoa," said Betty. "Chas, what's with your aunt?"

"Yeah," added Stu. "There's something weird goin' on between Miss Finster and the new principal. I know she's nice, but every time he comes along, she gets all mushy! It's just not normal!"

Chas replied, "You guys, I think that's because she's in love."

"What?!" cried Stu, Betty, Didi, Drew, Charlotte, and Howard together, although Melinda was not surprised either.

"My aunt Muriel has had a crush on the new principal ever since that day he let her ride his motorcycle."

"You're right," said Melinda

"How do you and Cavanaugh come up with this stuff, Finster?" asked Drew.

Melinda replied, "Isn't it obvious? Chas and I have seen it in movies before. The prince sees the princess, kneels before her, and he and the princess fall in love at first sight."

"That's crazy."

"Actually, Chas and Melinda may be on to something," said Stu. "Miss Finster may actually be in love with the new principal."

And Chas and Melinda were right. As the kids headed for the playground, they watched as Miss Finster gazed lovingly at Benedict, who was leading Mr. Prickly to his principal's office.

As for Chas, he said to his friends, "You guys go on ahead. I'll go see what Benedict is like. You know, in case my aunt Muriel decides to get married."

* * *

Meanwhile, Benedict had led Mr. Prickly to the principal's office, which Benedict had quickly revamped to keep up with the times. The walls were painted, some incense was gently burning in a small bowl on the desk, there was a bean bag in place of a chair where a student would sit, and some sitar music was playing in the background.

Mr. Prickly was impressed. "Whoa! Psychedelic principalia!"

"Pull up a bag, bro," said Benedict. "I wanna rap!"

"Lay it on me, man."

Neither Mr. Prickly nor Benedict knew that Chas was listening in by looking through the window.

"You see, Pete, I been thinkin'. We're a new generation of teachers, right? It's time we shook things up a little."

"I hear you, brother. In fact, dig this. I was meditating to that new Ravi Shankar album last night… when I got this righteous notion—What if we hold all our classes outside, on the playground? Imagine—school, recess. No boundaries."

As Chas saw Benedict stand by the window, he crouched down to hide himself. And Benedict said, "Hey, baby, that's a hip idea, but I got a better thought here. As my first official act as principal, I've decided… to get rid of recess."

Both Chas and Mr. Prickly were horrified.

"No recess?!" cried Chas.

"What?! No recess?" gasped Mr. Prickly. "But, Phil, for a kid, recess is like a major play-in. It's the one time of day they have any freedom."

Benedict sighed, "Look, Pete, the '60's are over. All that peace and love and freedom stuff, it was great for pickin' up chicks, but it's not gonna help my career. To do that, I gotta make test scores go up, and to make test scores go up, I gotta keep kids in class where they belong. That's why, starting tomorrow, I am tuning out recess… once and for all."

Mr. Prickly was horrified, but Chas even more so.

"Oh, no!" cried Chas. "My aunt Muriel's gonna marry a kid-hater!"

* * *

The next day, as Chas and his friends were going off to school, Chas said to his friends, "Guys, I have a bad feeling about our new principal."

"What are you talkin' about, Chas?" asked Stu.

"I overheard him and one of the teachers talking about recess, and I don't think Principal Benedict likes us."

"Doesn't like us?" asked Melinda. "Get real. If he didn't like us, why do you think he became our principal in the first place?"

"Yeah, why don't we run around a little before we have to go inside?" added Drew.

But as soon as they had entered the playground, the kids heard Benedict's voice from the loudspeaker: "Attention, all students! Attention, all students! Get to the school front and center so I, Principal Phillium Benedict, will address you."

And once the kids got front and center, they saw Principal Benedict standing right in front of them.

"What does Benedict want with us?" asked Drew.

"I don't know, Drew," Stu replied.

Then, Benedict said to the children, "All right, listen up! I have an announcement to make. I am about to give you kids at Third Street School a huge opportunity!"

"A huge opportunity?" said Melinda with delight. "Does this involve new kickballs?"

Benedict continued, "I am about to lead you all into the future! Your school will be the cutting edge of all that is new! Think of yourselves as pint-sized pioneers!"

"Forgive me, Principal Benedict," said Howard as he raised his hand, "are you trying to say that you plan to install a state-of-the-art auditorium like the one at Lincoln Center?"

"No," said Benedict.

"Will we get to taste-test the new lunch menu?" asked Betty.

"Nah," said Benedict again.

"Is one of us gonna be the first kid in space?" asked Stu.

Benedict shook his head and said, "The only place any of you are going is back inside, because by the power vested in me, recess is cancelled!"

All the kids gasped in horror.

Chas groaned and said to his friends, "That's just what I feared."

"What?" cried Melinda. "But, sir, recess is the one time of day we can rest our brains, exercise our bodies, express our freedom!"

But Benedict didn't listen. "Your thrilled expressions are thanks enough. Now, get inside!"

And all the kids had to enter their classrooms. Drew and Melinda held Chas by the arms as he swooned with shock. For the children of Third Street School, the cancellation of recess would be a _horrible_ opportunity.

* * *

That day, as 10 am came around, no recess bell rang, to the unhappiness of the students. In the fifth-grade classroom, Chas, Melinda, and Drew were among the other discouraged children.

Upon hearing no bell, the fifth-grade teacher ruefully said to her students, "Oh, that's right. There won't be a bell. There's no recess."

And Drew was the first to speak his mind: "Man, this stinks! I say we make Benedict give us back the forty minutes a day that's rightfully ours!"

"For once, I agree with Drew!" said Melinda. "We gotta do something! Call the superintendent!"

"No way!" cried Chas. "That'd make me a snitch!"

Presently, who should enter but Principal Benedict!

"Oh, Principal Benedict!" gasped the fifth-grade teacher.

Then, Benedict said to the fifth graders, "Class, I'm here to test you. Books and papers off your desks. It's time for your first standardized test. Take one test and pass them back. No. 2 pencils only."

Chas and Melinda gazed at each other in dismay as Benedict handed down the tests.

* * *

Later, in Mrs. Gunderson's classroom, the third- and fourth-grade students were passing their finished tests back to Principal Benedict.

Soon, Bob Spinelli noticed that Betty was gazing out the window, lost in thought.

"Hey, Betty," said Bob. "You gonna take these?"

"Huh? What?" Betty then turned to Bob and, now focused on him, replied, "Oh, sorry, Bob. I was just thinkin' about that sweet squishy sound my feet make when they make contact with a mud puddle."

As soon as Principal Benedict got all the tests back, he said to the students, "Thank you. I'll administer another test to-morrow. Now, back to your studies."

And Betty gazed down in despair at the thought of never enjoying outdoor fun again.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Miss Finster's second-grade classroom, Didi and her classmates had just finished taking their tests.

Upon seeing this, Miss Finster said to the kids, "Well, class. Now that you're all finished, why don't we study the laws of physics involved in… the playing of paper football."

"Groovy, Didi!" said one Alordayne Grotke.

And Didi replied, "Ditto that! I can't fathom even a day of study without a moment's recreation!"

But then, who should enter but Phillium Benedict?

"Miss Finster," he said to Miss Finster, "hand over the paper football."

Miss Finster sighed with dismay as she gave Benedict the paper football.

"Let this be a warning to you, Muriel…" growled Benedict menacingly as Miss Finster watched him collect her students' tests.

* * *

Needless to say, Benedict's plan didn't go over all that well.

As the days wore on, thanks to Benedict's overemphasis on standardized testing, the kids were starting to become sapped of energy.

Stu gazed sadly out his third-grade classroom window at the unused playground equipment.

Chas drooled on the desk as he dozed off, only for Benedict to harshly whip him awake.

Betty was so sapped of energy that she couldn't even think of poking Howard with her index finger as she would normally do.

By the third day, in the fifth-grade classroom, the only kid who still had energy was Drew, but it was a negative energy. He felt all the other kids getting on his nerves. He began to view his "friends," Chas and Melinda, as his enemies!

One day, when Chas and Drew got in each other's way, Chas said droningly, "'Scuse me…"

But Drew lost no time in starting a fight with him! Benedict saw this, but he didn't lift a finger. Instead, it was the fifth-grade teacher who broke up the fight.

"Boys, boys, stop fighting," said the fifth-grade teacher. "I know kids like you got along well during recess. If only Benedict would listen to reason and bring back recess…"

* * *

On day four without recess, cabin fever set in for many of the children—much to the concern of the fifth-grade teacher.

Chas started muttering to himself.

"NO TALKING!" shouted Benedict.

Drew was laughing hysterically at jokes no one ever told.

"NO LAUGHTER!" shouted Benedict.

Melinda was kicking balls that weren't there.

"NO KICKING!" shouted Benedict.

* * *

By the end of that day, Benedict was brooding in his office when Miss Lemon came in and said to him, "Here are day four's tests. I also have the test scores."

Benedict snapped, "I don't have time to read through all those. Cut to the chase!"

"Yes, Principal Benedict," stammered Miss Lemon as she shakily handed him a chart.

Benedict looked at the chart and muttered, "Hm… Attendance is good… Weather is seasonably nice…" Then, he noticed something odd about the chart and asked, "Um, Lemon, what's this large black line descending at such a steep angle? Please tell me that's delinquency or bullying."

"Nope, those are the test scores, sir."

Benedict was shocked and enraged at such a chart that gave lie to his beliefs that keeping the children cooped up in classrooms would raise test scores.

"Throw that away!" he screamed. "If I can't get those scores back up, then I can kiss my career good-bye! It seems that, although those brats are spending all day in school, they aren't studying hard enough! There's only one way I can change that!"

Miss Lemon shook her head and sighed, "If you were half the principal Mr. Solomon was…"

"I am TEN TIMES THE PRINCIPAL SOLOMON WAS!" roared Benedict.

Then, he spoke into his PA system: "Attention, all students! Attention, all students! It appears to me that although recess has been cancelled, although you have been in class all day, your test scores are going down instead of up! Well, there's only one thing for it: for your next standardized test, you must stay at home studying all weekend! You must not play, you must not watch cartoons, you must not even go to church if need be!"

Of course, all of the students were downcast at the notion of not even getting a moment's recreation during the weekend.

* * *

And so, on Saturday morning, at the Pickles residence, Lou and Trixie were surprised to find the TV off.

"That's odd," said Trixie. "Normally, the boys would be watching cartoons on TV at this hour."

Lou replied, "Tell you what, Trixie, I'll check on Drew, you check on Stu."

And so, they did.

Trixie looked into Stu's room and saw, to her alarm, that he was studying for Monday's test.

She asked her younger son with quiet concern, "Stu, what are you doing?"

Stu replied in a creepy monotone, "Studying for tests."

"It's Saturday morning. Why on earth aren't you watching cartoons?"

"Because I've lost control of my life."

And in Drew's room, Lou noticed a similar situation with his older son.

"Drew," he said, "I'm really concerned for you and your brother. You should be watching cartoons. Why aren't you?"

"Think…" sighed Drew slow-mindedly.

* * *

At the Giselle residence, Betty's mother noticed that she wasn't outside. Instead, Betty was looking at her test material and muttering to herself, "Too many little boxes…"

It was then when her mother asked, "Betty, what's wrong with you?"

Betty panted as she pointed to her window.

"Out the window? You need air?"

* * *

At the DeVille place, Howard gave his bewildered parents a similar response as to why he wasn't enjoying the ballet on TV: "Not enough time… Need less boxes… Need less pencils…"

* * *

During Boris and Minka's Shabbat Shalom, at the Kropotkin residence, Boris asked Didi, "Come along, Didila. Don't you wanna light the candles for Shabbat?"

Didi replied despondently, "I'm sorry, Dad. I don't understand your question…"

This made Boris unhappy, and when Minka came along, she said to him, "I got a similar reply from Benjamin too."

Both Boris and Minka were upset at the sudden depression of both their children.

* * *

Even at the McSell mansion, Charlotte's mother and sister Miriam gazed in dismay as they saw Charlotte going through her test material again and again and muttering: "Can't process material… totally sapped of energy… must stay awake… must…"

But just as Charlotte was about to fall asleep, she would remember how cruelly Benedict would berate her, and she woke up immediately to look her test material over again.

* * *

At the Finster place, on Sunday morning, although Marvin and Shirley were dressed in their church clothes, they went to Chas' room and noticed that he was still in normal clothes and looking through his test material.

"Charles," said Shirley, "don't you wanna go to church with us?"

But all Chas said was: "No. 2 pencil only, please. No. 2 pencil only."

Marvin and Shirley looked at each other in dismay, and Marvin asked Chas, "Anything wrong, slugger?"

Chas then ran his fingers across his desk.

"You… need to go to the bathroom?" asked Marvin.

"I think it's more like running… outside," whispered Shirley to Marvin.

* * *

And at the Cavanaugh place, Christopher could hear his daughter Melinda groaning, "Something missing… something missing…"

"What's missing, Melinda?" asked Christopher.

Melinda replied, "Fun… Freedom… Friends…"

It was then when Christopher saw the light: "So, my daughter means to tell me that the new principal of our school…"

* * *

"…has cancelled recess?!" all the parents seemed to exclaim in unison.

They were furious at Principal Benedict for what he had done, and they would not take this lying down!

* * *

And so, on Monday morning, just before the kids went to school, the parents and teachers organized a protest against Benedict's anti-recess policies:

"What do we want?"

"Recess!"

"When do we want it?"

"Now!"

"What do we want?"

"Recess!"

"When do we want it?"

"Now!"

"Be cool, people, be cool," implored Benedict. "You're bumming my mellowness."

Shirley replied, "We'll be cool when you give our kids their recess back!"

But Benedict brushed off the reply. "Hey, baby, I'll do what I want. I'm principal of the school, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Dig?"

The grown-ups were all very dissatisfied with this. Principal Benedict had become a tyrant—in every sense of the word!

Marvin even exclaimed, "It's not right!"

But then, the superintendent came, along with Mr. Prickly.

"People, people, please calm down," said the superintendent in a deep, but calm and reassuring voice. "Mr. Prickly here has informed me of this "no-recess" proposal. Let me assure you that as long as I'm superintendent, this radical plan will never be carried out in this district."

And all the parents and teachers cheered at this, the end of Benedict's "no-recess" era.

"Hey, man, you just don't get it!" protested Benedict. "You're holding back progress!"

"If you think 'progress' is enslaving children with standardized tests instead of letting them play around once in a while, then something must be wrong with you," the superintendent replied. "That's why I'm replacing you."

Benedict looked like a deer caught in the headlights. "What?"

"Mr. Prickly, from now on, you will be principal."

Mr. Prickly was surprised at this. "Who, me?"

And Benedict snarled at Mr. Prickly, "Oh, I see what's going down here. You tricked me, went around my back to the man to get my job!"

"No, Phil, it's not like that at all!" Mr. Prickly protested.

"Yeah, right!" Benedict then turned to Muriel and said, "Come on, Muriel baby, let's blow this scene."

But Miss Finster turned around and saw her nephew, Chas, looking extremely bored. It was then when she mustered the courage to get away from Benedict.

"No, Phil," she said. "It's over. You were not the man I thought you were, for I could never be with a man who doesn't love recess."

Benedict looked hurt. "So you're against me too." Then, he became angry at Miss Finster for breaking up with him. "Well, fine. I don't need you. I don't need anyone!"

But as he tried to leave, he fell off the steps and hurt himself.

"Phil!" cried Miss Finster.

"You okay, man?" asked Mr. Prickly.

"Don't touch me!" cried Benedict. "You took my chick. You took my job. Well, enjoy it while you can, Petey boy, 'cause you're gonna pay. Somehow, someway, you're gonna pay…"

And with that, Benedict stormed off. In the ensuing years, he would quit teaching and go into politics, eventually becoming the Secretary of Education in the mid-1990's, only for President Clinton to fire him for trying to get rid of recess nationwide.

But back in 1968, Mr. Prickly, now Principal Prickly, saw the kids trudging to the school, and he announced to all the kids, "Attention, Third Street School! This is Principal Prickly speaking!"

"_Principal_ Prickly?" asked Stu.

Principal Prickly continued: "Get rid of the chains we call standardized tests! My first official act as principal is that my first day as principal is all-day recess! Effective immediately!"

"Was that… God?" asked Chas in disbelief.

And so, all the kids went straight through the school building and into the playground, where they felt the sun beam down on them, as if to kiss them. And immediately, they all rejoiced as they ran around and played.

"I… I'm running!" cried Drew with a smile. "I'm running!"

"Free! We're free!" shouted Melinda with joy.

"Basketball!" exclaimed Betty, and she started to dribble a basketball before hurling it into the hoop.

Finally, Stu and Chas greeted each other.

"Hey, Chas," said Stu. "Where have you been lately?"

"I'm not sure," Chas replied. "Wanna play tag?"

"Sure!"

And they both ran around tagging each other, all their friends soon joining in.

And the all-day recess of '68 was a major success. By the time Chas turned eleven, test scores at Third Street were up with a vengeance! And Peter Prickly was to remain Principal of Third Street School for decades to come.


	25. The Appendix

The Appendix

_In the summer before sixth grade, Charles feels a sudden bellyache while his dad is trying to toughen him up. At first, both parents assume that Charles has just pushed himself too hard, so his mom lets him rest. But the next day, Charles isn't getting any better; in fact, he's gotten worse. He must be rushed to the hospital, or he could die! But Charles has a horrible fear of going to the hospital. When Drew calls him "a scaredy-serf," can his friends help him conquer his fear and become "a big, brave knight"?_

Throughout Chas' childhood, his father, Marvin Finster, wanted nothing more than to toughen him up. It all started on Chas' first birthday when he taught the boy to swim—by tossing him into Lake Michigan with a life preserver and some dry toast. The date was April 26, 1958.

And beginning at the age of three, Chas would be put through extra-strenuous, uber-manly activities, such as hiking, rock climbing, dirt biking, and moose hunting. Even after the boy had been diagnosed with asthma, Marvin would put him through these exercises so as to strengthen Chas' lungs.

But Shirley, being Chas' mother, always went easy on him. In the summer of 1965, when Chas was eight years old and had completed second grade, Marvin tried to make him drink raw eggs in a glass, believing that raw eggs had more protein than cooked eggs.

"Yuck!" cried Chas. "I'm supposed to drink this?!"

Before Marvin could speak, Shirley said, "Of course not, Charles. They're raw. I'll scramble them for you."

And so, she did, while Marvin could only groan as he placed his hand over his eyes in frustration.

* * *

Three years later, in the summer of 1968, Chas was eleven years old and about to enter sixth grade. It was during this summer when Chas learned that even his big, manly father could get scared.

In August, Marvin had taken Chas out on a father-son camping trip. Here, Marvin was teaching Chas how to be brave and tough.

"Now remember, son," said Marvin. "Being a man is more than just strength; it's endurance, valor, and, above all, bravery!"

"Yes, Dad!" cried Chas.

"You're gonna lift weights, climb mountains, swim across the lake, and hunt for elk!"

"Yes, Dad…"

Chas felt uneasy. He knew that these exercises were for his own good, but he felt like they were tiring him out.

* * *

For the next few days, Marvin would have Chas gather wood, lift large branches, swim in the lake, and hunt or fish for food. This meant that they had moose on Monday, trout on Tuesday, wild boar on Wednesday, and pheasant on Thursday.

But before long, on Friday, as Chas was doing pull-up exercises on a tree with a sturdy horizontal branch, Marvin shouted, "There you go, Chas! Keep it movin'! Build up those muscles! I think I see some mustache hair growin' in! Ah, yes! Nothing can go wrong now!"

Suddenly, however, Chas was seized with a severe stomachache. He let go of the branch and fell to the ground in agony. Upon seeing this, Marvin said, not angrily, but in a worried tone, "Chas, you can't give up now! You still have ten pull-ups left! Come on!"

"Dad…" groaned Chas as he struggled to get up to his feet. "I don't feel so good…"

But as Marvin took Chas by the arm and led him to the campsite, he was dismayed to see his own son throw up on his shoes.

* * *

Thus, the camping trip was cut short. Marvin had no choice but to take Chas home, for the boy was seriously ill.

That night, when Marvin and Shirley saw Chas lying in his bed with an anguished grimace on his face, they were unsettled. Marvin turned to Shirley and told her, with guilt in his voice, "I may have pushed him a little too far."

"If that's the case," said Shirley, "I think he needs some rest. That's all he needs." And she pulled the sheets over Chas' quivering form as she kissed him goodnight and whispered, "Sleep tight, Chas. Hope you feel better soon."

And after she and Marvin had left the room, Shirley closed the door, hoping that young Chas would pull through.

* * *

But the next day, Chas didn't get any better. In fact, he had gotten worse. As soon as his parents came in, Shirley asked, "How are you this morning, Charles?"

Chas groaned, "I feel like my stomachache has spread to my right side!"

Marvin and Shirley were concerned. "He's getting worse," said Shirley.

Marvin then said, "Well, slugger, there's nothing a hearty breakfast can't treat. All you need is to eat eggs, bacon, and cinnamon pancakes, such as your mother will cook!"

"Not hungry…" moaned Chas.

Now, Marvin and Shirley were worried. Just how sick was their son?

"You think he's faking it?" asked Marvin.

"No kid can fake an illness that bad," Shirley replied.

"Well, we gotta do something about it!"

"Yes, but what?"

"And how?"

"Wait a minute! I read somewhere that if a child is as ill as our Charles is, we must send him to the hospital as soon as possible. We must phone the hospital at once."

"The hospital?!" cried Chas in horror.

* * *

While Marvin was phoning the hospital, Chas was seated on a chair, murmuring, "How I hate hospitals! In fact, I'm scared of them!"

Just then, he heard someone snickering.

It was Drew. He said to Chas, "Oh, Finster! You make me laugh so much! First, you were scared of graduating from kindergarten…"

"You were scared too!" Chas retorted.

"And then, you were scared of being exposed to germs!"

"I've gotten over that, Drew!"

"And now, you're scared of goin' to the hospital! What are ya gonna be scared of next?"

"Uh…"

"Face it, Finster! You're a scaredy-serf! A big fat scaredy-serf!"

Just as Chas was about to crack under Drew's put-downs, though, he heard a voice say, "Drew, you leave him alone!"

It was Melinda.

Drew said to her, "Well, it's true! Finster is afraid to go to the hospital!"

Melinda was confused, and she asked Chas, "What is he talking about, Charles?"

Chas replied, "Well, it all started when my dad took me out camping. He had planned for me to stay there for a week, but when I got so sick I started throwing up, our trip was cut short. I'm in such agony I can't even eat. And now, my mom wants me to go to the hospital! Doesn't she realize I'm scared of hospitals?! I've been scared of them ever since I got my polio shot in a hospital! What can I do?!"

Melinda replied, "Look, Charles. The first thing you need to do is stop feeling sorry for yourself whenever you're scared. I mean, we all get scared sometimes. Even I got scared when my mom was taken to the hospital, but by now, I'm used to the fact that she's still recovering."

Upon hearing this, Chas remembered what his parents had told him—how Melinda's mother had died—and that he had promised not to tell her, and he groaned within himself.

"What's the matter?" asked Melinda.

Chas sighed, "I just feel like a loser."

"Then the next thing you need to do is stop thinking you're a loser. You're big, and you're brave, like a knight in shining armor. Remember when you stood up for me after Drew pushed me? You're a big, brave knight. Say it."

"I'm a big, brave knight."

"Keep saying it over and over."

"I'm a big, brave knight… I'm a big, brave knight… I'm a big, brave knight… I'm a…"

But as Chas said it, he began to wince in pain.

Melinda then reassured him with these words: "It's like what my dad always says: when you get thrown off a horse, you gotta get back on. Never give up."

"Never give up, my foot!" sneered Drew. "Doesn't anyone listen to me anymore? Finster is a scaredy-serf!"

"He is not!" retorted Melinda. "He's a big, brave knight!"

"Yeah, right! He's a scaredy-serf, and everybody knows it!"

"He's a big, brave knight!"

"Scaredy-serf!"

"Knight!"

"Serf!"

"Knight!"

"Serf!"

"STOP!" screamed Chas just as his abdomen sent him into another throe of agony. "This is not the Middle Ages anymore! This is the 20th century! My mommy and daddy are gonna take me to the hospital, and I'm not gonna be scared! I am going to that hospital!"

And as Marvin came to lead Chas to the hospital, the boy said to himself, "I hope…"

Once Marvin and Shirley had driven off with Chas, Drew and Melinda turned to each other.

"I'll bet ya a Winger-Dinger he doesn't make it!" gloated Drew.

"You're on!" Melinda replied.

"Scratch that. Make that _two_ Winger-Dingers!"

* * *

At the hospital, in the waiting room, poor Chas was writhing in agony. Shirley was almost in tears upon seeing this terrible sight, while Marvin was completely frightened. Between gasps of pain, Chas could see his brave father with beads of sweat rolling down his face. Chas was startled, for he had never seen his father show any sign of fear before.

Marvin's voice was audibly shaking when he told the doctor, "My son Charles Finster is extremely ill with a severe stomachache, and my wife and I can't figure out for the life of him what's wrong with him!"

The doctor asked, "Has he been throwing up?"

"Yes. One time he did it right on his shoes!"

"Has he been eating?"

"Hardly! He barely touched his breakfast this morning!"

"How severe is the pain?"

"It hurts him whenever we touch him!"

The doctor replied, "Don't worry, sir. We'll fill him in on…"

This made Marvin so panicked he grabbed the doctor and screamed at him, "I don't have any time for this! This could be a life-or-death situation for my kid! You shouldn't just wait while his life is hanging by a thread! He must be treated immediately! You hear?!"

The doctor, now frazzled, said to Marvin, "Okay, sir, we'll let him in."

As the doctors placed Chas on a gurney bed and rolled him down the hallways of the hospital, it was clear to Marvin that his only child was seriously ill; he feared he and Shirley might lose him.

Ironically, the easily-scared Chas showed no sign of fear in the face of his possible death. Instead, he muttered to himself, "I'm a big, brave knight. I'm a big, brave knight. I'm a big, brave knight…"

* * *

Inside the emergency room, the doctors were circling around Chas, who didn't know what to expect.

"What exactly do you feel?" asked one of the doctors.

Chas replied, "Sharp pain in my belly."

"Does it hurt when I press my finger into it?" asked the doctor as he pressed his finger on Chas' lower-right abdomen.

This caused poor Chas to scream in pain. "Yes…" he groaned.

The doctor then turned to the other doctors and said to them, "Listen. Kids may get stomach flu all the time, but this little boy has appendicitis. His appendix must be removed immediately, or it could rupture any moment."

All the doctors were unnerved to hear this, and for good reason. If an inflamed appendix is left inside for too long, it can indeed rupture and cause peritonitis, making the poor patient deathly ill. In the case of a child, the appendix must be removed before it ruptures.

And so, the doctors wheeled Chas into the surgeons' room. There, he saw all kinds of sharp objects, preserved organs, and bags of blood that normally would have freaked him out. But Chas knew that this could be a matter of life and death for him, and he said to himself, "I'm a big, brave knight. I'm a big, brave knight. I'm a big, brave knight…"

As the kid spoke, the surgeons surrounded him, one of them saying, "Don't worry, young man. Everything will be all right."

With that, the surgeon placed a breather on Chas' mouth, so he could breathe in some anesthesia and fall asleep at once…

* * *

During the procedure, Chas had a dream. He found himself in his own bedroom. While he was wondering what all this meant, he heard the door open. Could this be his father?

No, instead, it was a strange-looking man. He had messy red hair and purple square-lens glasses similar to Chas' own, but in place of freckles, he had a mustache. He wore a light brown polo shirt, a red belt with a gold buckle, green high-waisted pants, and dark red shoes with brass buckles.

Chas asked the man, "Who are you?"

The man replied, "I am you."

Chas was amazed. "How can you be me?" he asked.

"I am your mirror, some thirty years from now."

Young Chas gazed at Old Chas from the feet up. He couldn't believe his eyes, but this man truly was Chas as an adult.

Amazed, Young Chas said to Old Chas, "So you're me as an adult! Tell me, what'll happen to me when I grow up?"

This question made Old Chas pause. He had to think about what to tell this eleven-year-old kid version of himself, because he had been through a lot.

Finally, Old Chas replied, "You're going to see lots of things when you grow up. You will know many happy experiences. You'll get to go to high school, drive a car, go out on your first date, graduate from college, get married, even have a kid in tow."

Young Chas was astonished, and he cried out, "Wow! Growing up must be an exciting adventure!"

"Yes, it is an exciting adventure, but also a scary one. Sometimes, tragedy will strike when you least expect it. But when push comes to shove, you will overcome these tragedies and become a happier man in the future."

"Gee, thanks, future me!"

"You're welcome, past me. Now go to sleep. Good night."

And Old Chas left the room as Young Chas went back to sleep.

* * *

When young Chas woke up, he found himself in the recovery room. He saw that he was wearing a white gown over a practically naked body. And next to his bed was a nightstand, where there was a vase full of flowers. He also felt a lot better, though, at first, he thought that was odd.

Presently, a doctor came in and said to Chas, "Charles Finster, your appendix has been taken out."

Chas then pulled up his gown, wearing only underwear beneath it, and found a scar right near his right hip.

"You had appendicitis," the doctor explained. "But consider yourself lucky. Had it been kept in a few minutes longer, the appendix would have ruptured, and that would have been serious."

Chas was shocked at the thought. "You know," he said, "now that you mention it, I'm glad you took my appendix out. My dad looked pretty worried when he and my mom drove me to the hospital, and he's never scared!"

The doctor nodded, and he left the recovery room for Chas to rest and wait for visitors.

* * *

Later, who should enter the hospital but Stu, Drew, and Melinda, who were accompanied by their parents?

"Are you sure he'll make it, Melinda?" asked Stu.

"I know Charles can make it," Melinda replied. "Remember, it's just appendicitis."

But Drew said, "He can't make it, Stu! Remember, it's appendicitis."

"Drew!" exclaimed Lou. "Charles' life could be in imminent danger, so you shouldn't taunt Stu about that!"

And as the group walked down the hallway (Lou with Stu, Trixie with Drew, and Christopher with Melinda), the parents overheard Chas' doctor talking to Marvin and Shirley.

"Will he be all right, doctor?" asked Shirley.

"He had appendicitis," the doctor replied. "But consider him lucky that we removed the appendix in time. A ruptured appendix has been known to _kill_ a child."

Both Marvin and Shirley quivered with fear upon hearing this. And somehow, when Stu saw them, he didn't understand why.

Finally, the group got to Chas' recovery room, and the first to approach him was Stu, who asked, "Chas? Chas, are you okay?"

Chas smiled and said, "Am I okay? Am I okay? Are you kidding? I never felt better in my life!"

Melinda smiled, but Drew did not.

"Now pay up," she said to Drew, and Drew begrudgingly paid her the two Winger-Dingers.

"Not all kids are bullies," said Melinda to herself, "but all bullies are chumps."

Then, she told Chas, "You were a big, brave knight, Charles."

Presently, Marvin and Shirley entered the room as well.

Marvin asked, "Are you all right, slugger?"

Chas replied, "I'm fine. All they did was remove my appendix, and now I'm all better."

Overjoyed, Shirley cried out, "Oh, Charles, I'm so glad you're safe!"

"Mom, it's not like I was in some rapids or an avalanche. I just had appendicitis."

"But you could have died of it!"

"What do you mean? Melinda was right. I was brave."

His face betraying more than a hint of concern, Marvin said, "But being brave doesn't mean you have to put your life at risk."

Chas was amazed. "But you're never scared."

"Hardly ever. I _was_ scared when the doctors sent you down the hallway and into the emergency room. Your mother and I feared we might lose you."

And with that, Marvin and Shirley both embraced their brave little boy, who returned the favor and hugged them back.

Marvin smiled as he said, "You were very brave, my boy."

Chas returned the smile, and he replied, "Yeah, I really am a big, brave knight!"

And Lou, Trixie, Stu, Christopher, and Melinda were all happy upon seeing this touching scene.

Suffering from appendicitis was a sorrow for young Charles Finster, but he would soon recover from his surgery. After a few days, he would be free to return home, on the conditions that he would not undergo strenuous activity for the next four weeks. And in September of 1968, Chas, who had known childhood joys all his life, would enter sixth grade and learn all about growing pains.


	26. Sixth Grade (season finale)

_During their sixth-grade year, Charles, Drew, and Melinda learn that a child only comes of age emotionally when he has first wept like an adult, which, according to the teacher, usually happens when the child is 11 or 12, hence elementary school ends in sixth grade. Charles tries to prevent himself from weeping, but he hasn't counted on a certain Italian opera by Giacomo Puccini…_

September 1968: Charles Finster was now in sixth grade, his final year of elementary school and the perks that came with it, including recess. Growing up was to be a major sorrow for young Charles Finster.

What didn't help was that when Chas, Drew, and Melinda went to their sixth-grade classroom, their new teacher described coming-of-age as follows: "You who are only children now, one day, you will grow up, and it will not be anywhere near as joyful as your parents make it out to be! For whereas childhood is a time of innocence, a time of joy, adulthood is a time of unspeakable, unrelenting tragedy…"

The sixth graders all silenced themselves. They hadn't thought about that before.

The teacher continued, "During puberty, changes occur as powerful chemicals called hormones are released into the bloodstream from glands in your body, such as the pituitary gland. The process typically occurs earlier in girls than in boys, but it causes physical changes in and emotional damages to any child!

"During this year, you will experience an increase in your appetite, which could result in you gaining weight! You may become more active during the day and require more sleep at night! In time, you will even experience a very rapid change in height and weight called a growth spurt! Your muscles and bones will get larger, and your favorite clothes won't fit anymore! You may feel awkward because your hands and feet will grow faster than other parts of your body!

"Girls will develop breasts, and their hips will begin to round out! Boys' shoulders will widen, and their voices will change, sometimes cracking as they deepen! But grown-ups tend to overlook the one thing that truly separates adults from you kids: unlike children, adults weep. The first time you weep is the exact point where your childhood innocence ends… forever!"

"Our childhood innocence?" whimpered Melinda.

"Ends?" whined Drew, who had just been fitted with braces.

"Forever?!" screamed Chas.

"Yes," said the teacher. "This typically happens to a child aged 11 or 12, and the worst part is… it can happen to anybody, so you'd better be careful… It could happen to you, or you, or…"

Chas gestured his finger to his chest with a fearful look in his eyes.

The teacher replied, "Yes. It could even happen to you before this year is out! And when it does, you have to write an essay on what adulthood means… for extra credit."

"Well, it's not gonna happen to me!" said Chas to Drew and Melinda.

"Me neither," said Drew.

"Me neither," said Melinda.

"Instead," said Chas, "we're gonna maintain our childhood innocence well into our teens."

Chas, Drew, and Melinda's classmates also accepted the challenge not to weep during their sixth-grade year. But, over the course of the school year, the fates would conspire to reduce them to their first adult tears…

* * *

During recess, Chas Finster, Drew Pickles, and Melinda Cavanaugh were among the oldest kids on the playground. This meant that they got to mentor the younger kids, including fourth graders Stu Pickles and Betty Giselle, fifth graders Howard DeVille and Charlotte, and third grader Didi Kropotkin.

The younger kids were shocked when Chas, Drew, and Melinda told them what their sixth-grade teacher had told them.

"So, you're saying that you have to cry to become a man?" asked Stu.

"The correct term is 'weep,' Stu," replied Drew. "There is a difference!"

Chas said, "But none of us want to weep because we don't want to grow up. Therefore, I've set up a list for what we sixth graders shouldn't do." And as he pulled out a piece of paper, he read, "We sixth graders must not: watch any sad movies, pray before an altar, lose a beloved family member, let anyone younger than ten die, let anyone hurt our feelings, or go to the opera. All these circumstances could make a sixth grader weep like a grown man."

Stu, Betty, Charlotte, and Didi were amazed at Chas' recitation of the list, but this made Howard uncomfortable. But then, Betty's prodding him with her index finger had also made him uncomfortable.

Presently, Didi's younger brother Ben Kropotkin, now six years old and in first grade, ran across the playground, wearing short pants and screaming. Upon seeing this, Didi knelt down by Ben and said, "What's the matter, Ben?"

"There's a monster in the jungle gym!" cried Ben. "I saw his big glowing eyes gazing at me!"

Chas then whispered to Stu, "I sure hope Ben doesn't run around in short pants like that when he gets to be my age, let alone during his bachelor party…"

Didi said to her younger brother, "Look, Ben. It's not that bad. Take me to the jungle gym, and I'll show you there's nothing to worry about."

Ben nodded, and he led Didi to the jungle gym, and following them were Chas, Melinda, Drew, Charlotte, Stu, Howard, and Betty.

Underneath the jungle gym, Ben and Didi indeed saw two large eyes.

"You see, Didi?" cried Ben. "There really is a monster under the jungle gym!"

Didi took a closer look at the eyes, and she replied, "Oh, Ben. It's just a little girl, and I think she's about your age."

Upon closer inspection, Ben saw that it was indeed a girl. Her name was Elaine, and like him, she was six and in first grade. In fact, he soon recognized her, and she recognized him, and they both turned around, Elaine scrunching up into a fetal position under the jungle gym and Ben clutching his chest while breathing heavily.

"Do you think she could be in love with you?" asked Didi.

"What do you mean?" cried Ben. "This is a girl we're talking about!"

"And aren't I a girl?"

"Yeah, but you don't make me all nervous and sweaty when I see you!"

"Well, just say hello to her."

Feeling very nervous, Ben turned to Elaine and, seeing her turn to him, heard her say, "Hello…"

But, lost for words, Ben could only gasp out, "Hi!" And then, he fled from the jungle gym.

Chas and his friends all overheard Elaine say to herself, "He spoke to me. He likes me!"

And they also heard Ben say to himself, "She looked at me. She likes me!"

Chas sighed, "Ah, youth…"

Melinda was taken aback. "Charles, we're supposed to maintain our childhood! Remember?"

Chas smiled and said, "Oh, yeah, Melinda!"

Drew then said to Chas and Melinda, "All right, Finster, Cavanaugh! Since sixth grade's gonna be a tumultuous year, we gotta raise our right hands and swear the oath before we start the race to the finish line, the race where if a sixth grader weeps, he will drop out of the race and end up graduating as a grown-up! So, let's swear the oath."

Melinda enthusiastically raised her right hand and said, "I, Melinda Cavanaugh, solemnly swear not to weep until after I have completed sixth grade. So help me Klasky."

Chas in turn raised his right hand and said, "I, Charles Finster, solemnly swear not to weep until after I have completed sixth grade. So help me Csupo."

Finally, Drew raised his right hand and said, "I, Andrew Pickles, solemnly swear not to weep until after I have completed sixth grade. So help me Germain."

And Chas, Melinda, and Drew began to play tag with Stu, Didi, Betty, Howard, Charlotte, and Ben. But little did any of the sixth graders know that these fun times were not to last, for what they had sworn would be easier said than done.

* * *

And so, the race was on! In the lead was the sixth-grade king, of course, but not far behind him were Chas, Melinda, and Drew, each one determined to maintain their childhood even after graduating.

"You think we're gonna make it to the finish line, Melinda?" asked Chas.

"Don't worry, Charles," Melinda replied. "Before my mom went to the hospital, she told me that adulthood was nothing to worry about."

This made Chas feel uneasy. He didn't want to tell Melinda that her mother had died because, not only had he promised his parents not to tell, but he didn't want Melinda to weep and let go of her childhood.

Presently, Drew shouted to Melinda, "Come on, Cavanaugh! Are we flappin' our yaps or runnin' to the finish line?"

And so, they raced.

However, as the school year wore on, Chas, Melinda, and Drew were to see their classmates, one by one, weep like adults. These classmates would tell them about an old adage that the circumstances that make a sixth grader weep foretell the kind of adult life he will live.

As for Chas, Melinda, and Drew, they continued to play around as all kids do. From the fourth grade upward, Melinda would invite Chas and the other kids to play all sorts of fun games. These games included tag, kickball, capture the flag, four square, and so on. Chas had always been wary about playing high-energy games, for during one game of dodgeball, Chas was hit with so many balls he had to be sent to the school nurse, and he returned to school with his arm in a cast.

During the next recess, as Chas sat on a bench watching his friends play kickball, Melinda came up to him shouting, "Hello, Charles!"

This startled Chas a little, but when he saw that it was only Melinda, he was relieved.

Melinda then said to Chas, "I'm so sorry about your broken arm."

"Nothing to cry over," said Chas. "I'll be better in a few weeks."

"In that case…" And with that, she took a red marker from her pack and drew a heart on Chas' cast.

Chas was charmed. His feelings for Melinda and vice versa were deepening…

"Come on, Melinda!" exclaimed Betty. "You're up next!"

Melinda then said to Chas, "I gotta go, Charles. Duty calls."

And she ran into the kickball diamond to kick the ball to kingdom come! As he watched this, Chas thought to himself, "If only I had as much energy as she does…"

* * *

All through the school year, one by one, Chas, Drew, and Melinda's classmates wept and dropped out of the Non-Teary Race. In fact, by February 1969, more than half of Chas' classmates had already wept. Fortunately, this did not include Drew, Melinda, or Chas himself. All three had been dodging teenagers (so as to avoid getting their feelings hurt), behaving very well (so they wouldn't have to feel guilt), and avoiding sad movies (so _Bambi_ and _Old Yeller_ were out of the question). In fact, they made every effort to avoid weeping like an adult.

Yes. Chas, Melinda, and Drew all held firm.

"Remember, Finster," said Drew. "Don't get distracted by anything remotely adult!"

"Okay, Drew," said Chas uneasily.

"Don't worry, guys," Melinda chimed in. "None of us will get distracted! All the others may fall, but not I!"

And so, the three continued to race, periodically stopping for ball games…

* * *

But one fateful day, Friday to be exact, the kids of the school between first and sixth grade went on a field trip to the Multiplex Opera House. This included not only Chas, Drew, and Melinda, but also Stu, Betty, Charlotte, Didi, and Ben, and among the responsible adult chaperones was Stu and Drew's father: "Private First Class Lou Pickles reportin' for duty!"

Didi and Ben's parents, Boris and Minka Kropotkin, joined as chaperones too.

On the way to the opera house, however, Chas noticed an absence in the bus seats.

"Where's Howard?" he asked.

Charlotte replied, "Our fifth-grade teacher told us he's home sick with the flu."

"Lucky him!" said Stu. "I hear the opera house is the best place for a sixth-grade boy to break into manly tears."

Drew then sharply stated, "Well, for your information, I'm planning to see an opera by Gilbert and Sullivan! Chas and Melinda will do the same thing. Right?"

"Actually," said Melinda, "a Mozart opera will be fun! Won't it, Charles?"

Chas replied, "Uh, yeah. At least, I won't end up crying at the end like if I were seeing a tragic opera."

"Of course not. Many of Mozart's operas are comedies."

"Coming to think of it, I'd be surprised if anyone wanted to see a tragedy."

* * *

Once they got to the opera house, the kids looked around to see which opera they wanted to see.

"There must be ten operas going on here," said Stu to himself.

As a matter of fact, there _were_ ten operas being staged. These operas were Verdi's _Aida_, Puccini's _La Bohême_, Bizet's _Carmen_, Gounod's _Faust_, Wagner's _Lohengrin_, Mozart's _Magic Flute_, Mozart's _Marriage of Figaro_, Verdi's _Rigoletto_, Puccini's _Madame Butterfly_, and Gilbert and Sullivan's _Pirates of Penzanze_.

Lou, Boris, and Minka gave the children their sage advice on which opera to see.

Lou said to them, "You may see any opera you want, but I recommend that you see one of the ABC operas: _Aida_, _La Bohême_, or _Carmen_."

"If it's a comic opera you want," said Minka, "try _The Magic Flute_, _The Marriage of Figaro_, or _The Pirates of Penzanze_."

"Just don't see anything by Wagner," said Boris. "He's trash!"

As the adults spoke, the kids were having their own conversation. Stu was conversing with Chas, and Didi was conversing with Betty.

"I don't get it, Chas," said Stu. "How do you sixth graders know when you've wept?"

Chas replied, "I don't know. That's really the hard part. Lots of sixth graders have tried not to weep, but they wept anyway."

"Maybe you should attend _Pirates of Penzanze_ with Drew and me. It's very comedic, I hear."

Meanwhile, Didi and Betty were talking about the Kropotkins.

"Didi," said Betty, "your parents are neat."

"Yeah," Didi replied, "but sometimes they embarrass me. One time, my mom made me wear a troll costume that I hated."

"It was just for your third-grade play. You'll be fine. Why don't we see _The Marriage of Figaro_?"

"Nah, I'd rather see _The Magic Flute_. I promised my brother we would."

Then, Didi said to her little brother, "Come on, Ben. Wanna see a man in feathers dancing and playing the panpipes on stage?"

"Yes!" exclaimed Ben.

And so, here's the breakdown on what Chas' friends ended up seeing: Stu and Drew saw _The Pirates of Penzanze_, Melinda and Betty saw _The Marriage of Figaro_, Didi and Ben saw _The Magic Flute_ with their parents, and Charlotte saw _Carmen_.

As for Chas himself, he couldn't decide which opera to see.

Presently, he overheard Lou say to himself, "Well, my boys may be seeing some Gilbert and Sullivan play, but true art comes in the form of Puccini!"

And as Chas saw Lou enter the room staging _La Bohême_, Chas thought to himself, "Well, I did want to see _The Marriage of Figaro_ with Melinda. But those two people on the poster for _La Bohême_ remind me of myself and Melinda. I wonder why she didn't know about it…"

And so, Chas followed Lou to see _La Bohême_.

* * *

Inside the auditorium where _La Bohême_ was being staged, the house was packed. Chas seated himself in one of the orchestra seats, right next to Lou, who quickly noticed him.

"Charles?" asked Lou. "What are you doing here? I thought you wanted to see _The Marriage of Figaro_ with Melinda."

Chas replied, "I noticed that the guy on the poster looked an awful lot like myself, but with dark hair and a mustache."

Lou smiled and said, "That guy you're referring to is Rodolfo. He's a poet, and you'll see him shortly."

Chas sighed nervously.

"What's wrong?" asked Lou.

Chas answered, "It's just that I don't know if this opera's gonna end happily or sadly."

"Well, I'm not gonna spoil the ending then, but everybody has to see _La Bohême_ at least once in their life. Might as well be when you're eleven years old."

"Okay, Mr. Pickles."

It was then when the opening music played, and the curtain rose to show two men in a Parisian garret in the 19th century. One of them, Rodolfo, was writing something by his desk, while the other guy, Rodolfo's friend, was painting upon an easel, singing:

"_Questo Mar Rosso mi ammollisce  
e assidera come se addosso  
mi piovesse in stille.  
Per vendicarmi affogo un Faraon._"

Suddenly, the painter noticed that Rodolfo was gazing out the window and asked, "_Che fai?_"

Rodolfo replied in song:

"_Nei cieli bigi  
guardo fumar dai mille  
comignoli Parigi,  
e penso a quel poltrone  
d'un vecchio caminetto ingannatore  
che vive in ozio come un gran signor…_"

Chas was immediately enraptured by the musical score of the opera.

* * *

Later, Rodolfo was searching all over the floor for a key that a pretty young woman had dropped when he clasped her hand and sang to her tenderly in his engaging, silvery voice:

"_Che gelida manina!  
Se la lasci riscaldar.  
Cercar che giova?  
Al buio non si trova.  
Ma per fortuna  
è una notte di luna,  
e qui la luna l'abbiamo vicina…_"

The woman in turn introduced herself as Mimi, and she sang an aria in her warm, smiling voice:

"…_Ma quando vien lo sgelo  
il primo sole è mio,  
il primo bacio dell'aprile è mio!  
Il primo sole è mio.  
Germoglia in un vaso una rosa,  
foglia a foglia l'aspiro.  
Così gentil è il profumo d'un fior.  
Ma i fior ch'io faccio, ahimè,  
i fior ch'io faccio,  
ahimè non hanno odore…_"

And during the duet that ended Act I, Rodolfo and Mimi's voices blended in musical harmony that appealed to the audience:

"_Fremon già nell'anima  
le dolcezze estreme…_"

"_Tu sol comandi, amore…_"

"Brilliance! Sheer brilliance!" Lou whispered.

Chas overheard, and he couldn't agree more. In fact, for some reason, Rodolfo and Mimi reminded him of himself and Melinda.

* * *

During Act II, a woman named Musetta, who was the painter's girlfriend (the painter's name was Marcello, by the way), sang a waltz that went something like this:

"_Quando men' vo,  
quando men' vo soletta  
per la via,  
la gente sosta e mira,  
e la bellezza mia  
tutta ricerca in me,  
ricerca in me da capo a piè._"

Chas and Lou both smiled, amazed, at Musetta's Waltz, and Lou said, "Now that's entertainment!"

* * *

But in Act III, Rodolfo had figured out that Mimi was very ill, so they had to break up. Mimi sang this tear-jerkingly beautiful aria:

"_Involgi tutto quanto in un grembiale  
e manderò il portiere…  
Bada, sotto il guanciale  
c'è la cuffietta rosa.  
Se vuoi… se vuoi…  
se vuoi serbarla a ricordo d'amor…  
Addio, addio senza rancor._"

As Mimi sang, Chas felt very sad. When he looked at Lou, he saw that the older man had tears running down his face. Chas was shocked. Up until that time, he had never seen a grown man cry before.

Lou wiped his eyes as Rodolfo sang to Mimi:

"_Dunque è proprio finita?  
Te ne vai, te ne vai, la mia piccina?_"

* * *

Finally, Act IV saw Mimi lying in bed, with Rodolfo, Marcello, Musetta, and two other men surrounding her. Mimi sang to Rodolfo:

"_Qui, amor… sempre con te!  
Le mani… al caldo… e dormire…_"

And so, she closed her eyes. By now, Lou was weeping as Rodolfo commented, "_Vedi, è tranquilla. Che vuol dire? Quell'andare e venire… Quel guardarmi cosi?_"

Rodolfo came to realize the sad truth: Mimi had died. Devastated, he cried out, "MIMI! MIMI!" And he began to weep.

Soon, Chas himself started weeping with Lou. The death of Mimi so overwhelmed him that, try as he might, he could no longer hold back the tears, now streaming down his face.

"Poor Mimi…" he sobbed.

Not yet twelve years old, and Chas' childhood was over.

* * *

The following Monday, at school, Chas was determined to not expose his newfound maturity to his non-weeping classmates.

Therefore, he, having written his essay on what adulthood might be like for him, turned it in to his teacher first thing in the morning, before any of his classmates came into the classroom.

But as Chas sat by his desk pensively, Drew came along and noticed that something was odd about him.

* * *

And out on the playground, Melinda said to Drew, "Where's Charles?"

"I don't know," Drew replied. "I haven't been able to speak to him since Friday, and he's been acting weird all morning."

"I hope he didn't see a tragic opera last Friday," said Didi.

Stu said, "If he did, we gotta be real nice to him, so he'll be a child again."

"Good idea, Stu," said Betty.

Chas came in and said, "Hi, guys. Boy! You kids are playing some fun games!" But he stopped himself and said, "Uh, did I just exclude myself from you? Sorry."

"We're just gonna play kickball, Charles," said Didi. "Wanna join us?"

Chas replied, "I'd love to! What are friends for?"

And so, Chas played some kickball with Melinda, Drew, Stu, Didi, Betty, and Ben.

But again, Drew noticed that Chas was acting funny. When Stu kicked the ball, Chas would say, "Whoa! Nice kick, Stu! It's just about the best kick I ever saw!"

"Uh, gee, Chas," said Stu modestly. "I just kicked a kickball."

"No really! That was a great kick!"

After the kickball game, Melinda asked, "Would you like to do something else?"

"Gee, I'd love to, but…" Chas stopped himself. Any normal kid wouldn't pass up a fun activity. "May I join in?"

"Sure. We could go play in the jungle gym," said Betty.

"Or we could play circus," said Didi.

Then Melinda told Chas, "We're gonna have a huge dodgeball tournament this Friday! Wanna come join us?"

Chas replied, "But I'm gonna see _Carmen_ this Friday!" That's when he stopped. Did he just put his own foot in his mouth again?

That's when Drew became really suspicious. "Any normal kid wouldn't pass up dodgeball for an opera," he whispered to Stu. "I think Finster's hiding something."

"His name is Chas, and he is not!" cried Stu.

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

Chas became sick and tired of Stu and Drew's arguments, so he left for the benches to sit and ponder on his departed childhood.

Once he had sat down, he noticed that Ben approached him.

"Hey, Mr. Finster," said Ben.

"Hi, Ben," said Chas. "By the way, my name is Chas. We've known each other since you were in preschool. Will you quit calling me Mr. Finster?"

"Okay, Mr. Finster. It's just that, since you're a sixth grader, you're older and wiser than me, a mere first grader. My mom, my dad, and my big sister Didi all tell me that all kinds of things—chores, lost teeth, whatever—are all part of growing up. Is this true?"

Chas smiled and replied, "Well, Ben. I've lost all my baby teeth, but new ones have taken their place. They're more durable and should stay in place all my life provided I take good care of them. But growing up is more than losing baby teeth. It also means losing a part of yourself that you value very much."

Ben was startled. "What do you mean?"

"What I mean is, you may have to lose your childhood when you're in sixth grade. And once you do, you can't have fun anymore. And you won't cry about it either. When you're in sixth grade and something bad happens to you, you'll weep as bitterly as a man who has lost the woman he loves!"

At first, Ben was so upset he gulped, and it wasn't a very satisfied gulp.

But then he said to Chas, "Wait a minute, Mr. Finster! My dad always says that even a grown-up doesn't have to act like a grown-up all the time! I mean, look at me! I'm pushing seven, and I still enjoy the music of Mozart's _Magic Flute_!"

Upon hearing this, Chas smiled and said, "You know, Ben. You also taught me that even when you're the elementary-school equivalent to a senior citizen, you're never too old to stop learning."

With that, Chas ruffled Ben's hair, and Ben ran to his friends with a smile.

Afterwards, Chas looked all around him. Out on the playground, younger kids were playing four square, dodgeball, kickball, as well as playing on the jungle gym and the swing set. Presently, however, he also noticed some listless sixth graders.

One of the boys asked Chas, "What are you doing here, kid?"

"Pay no mind to him," said another boy. "He's a cheerful child. Very common."

"You're right. I'm almost glad we're all grown up now."

One of the girls sighed sadly, "Will you stop bickering? Bickering is depressing. Life is pointless. Leave me to grapple with my own irrelevance as I confront young adulthood, and with it junior high."

"These must be the kids who have already wept," he said to himself. Suddenly, he cried out, "WHAT AM I DOING HERE!?"

And he ran off to the amazement of all the sixth graders who were seated there.

Chas was hiding himself under the jungle gym, thinking about his lost childhood, when all of a sudden, Drew spotted him and shouted, "YOU!"

Chas yelped before Drew said, "What are you doing here, Finster?"

"I-I was just hiding," said Chas.

"Why are you hiding? And _what_ are you hiding?"

"What do you mean, what am I hiding? I'm not hiding anything! _You're_ hiding something! Who went and saw a Puccini opera?"

Chas stopped himself as Drew gazed at him, shocked, and asked, "What did you say? You didn't see Puccini's _La Bohême_, did you?"

Chas nodded, clearly ashamed of himself for failing the challenge. "I saw your dad go into the auditorium that was staging _La Bohême_, and I followed him there out of curiosity, so no one is at fault for doing so but me."

"But how?"

"I guess I got caught up in the beauty of Puccini's music, and in the tragic storyline."

"You mean you…"

"Yep. I'm no longer a child, but a young man, for I have wept over the final scene of _La Bohême_."

"Then, you've grown up…" Drew looked at Chas for a moment, and Chas looked at Drew. Chas didn't know that Drew was thinking about all the times the latter had picked on the former, from the time they were two and undergoing potty-training to the time just before sixth grade when Chas was about to undergo an appendectomy. Then, Drew felt something he hadn't before: sympathy for the loss of Charles Norbert Finster's childhood and remorse over how he, Drew, had wasted his whole childhood acting like a bully. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he uttered these words: "Let me grow up too… Chas."

Yes, Drew also wept his first manly tears. But with that first time Drew ever called Chas by his first name, Chas smiled and, seized with real joy for the first time since that fateful Friday, he embraced Drew, who returned it with a tearful pat on the back.

Although his first manly tears were a major sorrow for young Charles Finster, his classmate Drew Pickles also stopped being a bully and started being a real friend. In fact, as soon Drew wiped away his tears, he said to Chas, "Come on, let's go see Melinda!"

And the two boys ran to play kickball with Melinda, who was waiting for them.

And thus began Chas and Drew's new lives as young adults. No matter what perils they and Melinda would face in the future, they would always face them together. And even after they had already wept, Chas and Drew would never forget their boyhood, sometimes feeling like kids at heart themselves. For as the great movie producer Walt Disney once said, "Adults are only kids grown up, anyway."

* * *

_And that's the end of Season 1 of "The Joys and Sorrows of Young Charles Finster." And in case you're wondering, the opera scene was inspired by the Beecham recording of Puccini's immortal "La Boheme."_

_Season 2, which will encompass Chas' junior-high and high-school years, will come around as soon as I have the time._


End file.
